(Closed) Plus One Question

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

The plus one situation is difficult. We are not inviting any dates unless they are living with our guest, engaged to one of our guests, or are a friend of ours. We are the first to get married and most of our friends are single, so if we invited dates, it would add another 35-50 people easily! Plus, I doubt a majority of them will stillbe dating or together years down the road – so then you have a bunch of exes in your reception pictures, which is lovely.

I think it depends on your situation. If you have only a few friends who are single and she is traveling with this person, it might be nice to have him come. But it you have a lot of single friends, it would open the flood gates. I think if the latter is the case, you should stay firm and not invite the date – though it is hard. If others find out they will likely be upset too. Kindly explain to her that you have a general policy of no guests because you can’t afford to host everyone’s dates for the night. Perhaps let her know of fun activities in the area and places to go so that he has suggetsions of things to go while she is at the wedding.

It was not very polite of her to ask to bring him, so you can take some solace in that.

 

Good Luck!

Post # 4
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

This is tough. I’m a big believer in plus 1’s. I know how much I used to hate going to a wedding by myself as a single gal. It sucks. So “almost” everyone on our list got a plus 1.

That being said, I also know how easy it is for a guest list to get out of control. Kids were about 30% of our guest list! But we since we love kids and we are the last of our friends and family to get married (so all of our friends/family have kids), we included them.

Tough situation. Especially when they are coming from out of town. There’s no easy way out. If your very firm about him not coming, then she may get mad. But if you let him come and someone else who wasn’t allowed to bring a guest finds out, you risk making that person mad. I would probably stick to my guns on this one and tell her no and tell her that because you haven’t allowed anyone else to bring their SO, you have to be firm on the rules for everyone.

Post # 5
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

PomPom made some good points.  I also think you run the risk of “opening the flood gates” in terms of everyone else thinking that they should be allowed to bring a guest too.  I think it is one of those things, though.  If you say yes to one, then it’s yes to all.  I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with not including “and guest.”  I think too many people these days think it’s almost expected that they should be allowed to bring a guest.  I say, if you really don’t want to do it, then don’t!

Post # 6
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee

That’s tough.  If I were in your shoes, I would say yes.  We are giving plus ones to our guests who (1) married/engaged/dating someone or (2) would be uncomfortable without a date.  Unfortunately that means just about everyone. 

Post # 7
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010 - Stage 6 Steiner Studios

I agree w/PomPom — it depends how many other guests you invited w/o a “plus 1”

Also, does your friend know a lot of other people at the wedding? If she does not, it might be more enjoyable for her to have a guest. However, if she does know your other friends (and esp your single ones) then just explain that you can’t have any exceptions to the plus 1’s because it would be unfair to your other mutual single friends.

Good luck and congrats!!

Post # 8
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee

This issue is always a tough one.  In this specific situation, I thin I would say that she could bring someone with her.  Because she’s coming from out of town, it might be nicer for her to have someone to make the trip with her.  Just because you make an exception for her doesn’t mean that you have to do the same for other people.  If someone else asks you, you can just reiterate that you did it because she has so far to travel or something.

We actually gave all the single folks at our wedding a “+1” but most of them didn’t end up bringing someone. 

Post # 9
Member
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I would say yes, because I wouldn’t want a friend to be uncomfortable at the wedding. Do you think you would have met him if y’all lived closer? Was that your cut off for +1’s? They could be pretty serious too. Heck, Darling Husband and I were married by the time we’d been together 6 months! 🙂 Good luck making the decision. I know it’s hard!

Post # 10
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think it depends on how many people are in relationships and asking for a +1.  Can you just allow people +1s if they are in relationships?  That way, they can bring BFs and GFs but not random hook ups.

Maybe you could wait and see how many “No” RSVPs you get and then let people know. 

I don’t think I’d travel 2-4 hours to a wedding and stay by myself in a hotel if I wan’t allowed to bring my Boyfriend or Best Friend.

Post # 11
Member
538 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

We aren’t doing plus ones with the exception of married, engaged, living together, people whos dates we are friends with and hang out with on our own, or if the person doesn’t know anyone else at the wedding. Does this friend know other people at the wedding? If not, I’d reconsider wince it’s a different circumstance.

Post # 12
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Tough! I think I would say yes since they are coming from out of town. Though I totally understand that if you say yes to one person than other people will want the same. You might explain the situation when you tell them yes and just ask that they don’t broadcast the special treatment. Of course, if you have to tell them no they will understand and hopefully she will be willing to come solo.

Post # 13
Member
3363 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

We did plus one’s for every single person because we figured that was the norm…luckily many people are not bringing a guest!  🙂

I personally would not travel that far alone, especially if I knew no one else but the bride.  Would your other guests really know that you have not met her boyfriend?  I would make the exception just based on the fact that she is traveling.

 

Post # 14
Member
1455 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I am judging who gets plus 1’s on a person by person basis. I am going along with the, living together/engaged/friends with us thing. But some girls, although having a Boyfriend or Best Friend, are all going to be coming out here together, so I know they probably wouldn’t bring them anyways. A few friends who will not know anyone at the wedding, I will let them bring a guest if they choose.

You might just honestly say, you didn’t invite guests bc space is limited, and when it gets a little closer you will let her know if it will be ok. Make it a space issue, and then tell her as late as possible (since he’s already going up to Philly with her anyways!) so that people won’t be talking about it months before the wedding (Susie is bringing Johnny why can’t I bring MY boyfriend etc etc) because they won’t know in advance.

And I agree, it was rude of her to ask if she could!

Post # 15
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I would hold firm. I was surprised that a couple people just added a friend to their RSVP card to my wedding. I’m going to call them and nicely explain that we can’t afford for everyone to bring a plus one.  And since I said no to folks who actually asked ahead of time I can’t let these other folks bring a guest. Who knows? You might have extra spots and she can bring her boyfriend. That’s what I’m telling people – if we get more no’s than we expect then I’ll let them know that they can bring a friend.

I’ve traveled alone to weddings and have had a great time. And I obviously don’t know your friend’s boyfriend, but my fiance would rather sit in the hotel room and read or watch TV than come to a wedding with people he didn’t know!

Post # 16
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

We had his cousin ask to bring his new girlfriend and they’d only been dating 2 months. We said “yes” but asked him to keep it on the downlow.

6 months though? I probably would have included her in having a plus one anyways since they’re actually an item, not just a date for the evening. And if she’s traveling to the wedding, well, it kinda sucks to travel all by herself.

Tell her that if you get a few no RSVP’s, you would be more than happy to have her boyfriend come, but for now, there isn’t room. I think that’s a safe value. We did that with some of our guests who wanted to bring their, say, 16 or 18 year old adult children and we said “no for now” then a week before the wedding or two we said it was ok since we had lots of no RSVP’s we weren’t expecting. There was room so it was fine. No room=not fine.

 

The topic ‘Plus One Question’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors