Post # 1
Need some feedback on best way to handle this, especially from those who have had similar experiences! My wedding is coming up in December, so we are just getting ready now to send out all the invitations. We are trying to keep the guest list to 150, however we have 180 we are currently inviting since that is the max our venue can hold. My family is very large and to wittle down to the 150 that required us to only give plus ones to those invited who are married, engaged, or living together. I am inviting 2 friends from work, I transferred offices a year ago but have kept in touch with these 2 so still invited them (they are close to the venue). The one friend has a boyfriend who is seriously the worst person ever – he explicitly states that he goes out of his way to be rude and make people as uncomfortable at possible. He also works at my company and I see him send out rude all office emails (to an office of over 450 people!!) bashing other employees. Not sure how he still has a job, but either way we tried to be friendly to him and become friends since he is dating one of my friends. We invited him over to our house and not only did he bash the area we live in he literally spent the entire day being rude and putting down anyting and eveything he could think of. It was insane, they got into a blow out fight 3 times and he got my fiance so mad by the end of the night they almost had a physical fight. The next week I tried to talk to my friend about how upset he had made us when eh was there, so she mentioned it to him and his response was to make a post on Facebook mocking the whole situation and said he would never apologize. Well, flash forward to now and he stayed true to his word and never apologized. I still am planning to invite her to the wedding and even told her previously he wouldn’t be invited and she made some comment about friends shouldn’t be “petty over stupid little fights.” We just had our shower (a couple’s shower and he was not invited) this past weekend. She made a point to put his name on the card even though he wasn’t invited or there. She also just sent us an invite to his 30th surprise party. I also found out the other work friend invited mentioned about how they weren’t getting plus ones and apparently she flipped out and said how it was so rude of us not to invite him because weddings are about love and we are going against that by not letting her bring her pyscho boyfriend. I feel like I already discussed this with her and let he know he wouldn’t be invited, but it seems she keeps trying to hint not so subtly that he needs to be invited. Is there anything more I should do? Do I need to talk to her about it straight up again? She told our other work friend that she will NOT be coming to our wedding if he’s not invited and to be honest that’s not going to make or break our day. I’d love for her to be there but it’s not like she is the guest of honor. Not quite sure what the appropriate next steps would be in this situation, so that is where I am looking for advice. Sorry this is long, I am horrible at giving the short story to things!!!
Post # 2
I think you stated it clearly in the end… if she doesn’t want to come because he’s not invited, she doesn’t have to come. I suggest still just sending the invitation made out explicitly to her, and if she wants to throw a hissy-fit, let her. But keep in mind, this could be a damper on your friendship with her. You have to decide what’s important. Who knows? Maybe he won’t want to go if he’s not welcome.
Post # 3
damarajade: That is really my biggest concern. She is my friend, but at the same time it frustrates me that she is essentially throwing this hissy fit. My fiance and I have done a lot to help her, she broke up with a long term boyfriend and not only did we help her find a new apartment quickly but we both helped her move to the new place. When she had a period of newly single craziness we were the ones she would go to help calm her down. Then she started dating this guy and she saw how horrible he was to us.
To be honest, if he actually apologized sincerely and she spoke to me directly about the matter instead of trying to do all this hinting I would probably be more open to changing my mind. That’s not what happened though. I don’t want to lose a friendship over this but I don’t like essentially being backed into a corner over it when I don’t think we have done anything wrong in the situation. The fact of the matter is, we have friends who we are just as close to as we are to her that are currently on the “B” list so if she can’t make it we can easily invite someone else who we would want to be there.
Post # 4
damarajade: She said friends “shouldn’t be petty over stupid little fights”. Well, you made it clear to her why you didn’t want to invite him (and rightfully so I might add) and now she’s the one being petty. It’s not her wedding so she doesn’t get to dictate your guest list. Invite her alone and if she declines the ball is in her court. You didn’t do anything wrong.
Post # 5
nittanybride14: The guy sounds like a complete douche, but unfortunately, you need to either invite both of them or neither one. All SOs should be invited – the only exceptions are if that SO is a convicted felon, has threatened someone who will be at the wedding, or has tried to split up the bride and groom.
I honestly get why you don’t want to invite him (I wouldn’t either) but remember that you don’t invite your guests’ SOs for your benefit, you invite them for your guest’s benefit. I also don’t think weddings are an appropriate time to voice your approval/disapproval of someone else’s relationship. Also, try and see it from your friend’s point of view; it’s never fun to hear that your friends think your Boyfriend or Best Friend is a dick and isn’t invited.
So I think you should suck it up and invite him for your friend’s sake. With 150 at your wedding, you will hardly have to interact with him – just a quick hello and thank you for coming.
Post # 6
RunsWithBears: While I agree with that argument to a degree, he DID try to fight both ME and my fiance. He even tried to physically fight my fiance at our home. That to me is enough to say someone isn’t invited to a wedding. I never tell her she shouldn’t be with him, that’s her decision. Before even sending any save the dates or anyhting I let her know he wouldn’t be invited.
They are also the couple that has blow up fights all the time (shocker, right) so chances of them just blending into the crowd are pretty slim. If we do invite him, I will need to give a plus one to our other work friend so it’s not just 1 more invite. Like I said before, I would rather she not come if him not coming is a deal breaker for her attendance than invite him. He is not getting an invite, that’s not really what I am asking here. I am more asking for advice on how to handle the situation, if there is really anyhitng more I should be doing to make it a better situation. My fiance already made it VERY clear that she can be invited but by no means will he be invited, and I fully respect and understand that decision.
Post # 7
I would extend plus ones to married people and engaged people only.
As for the situation with your friend, I would make it very simple by enforcing the married/engaged plus one rule, and leave it up to her to attend or not. This does not need to involve emotions or any talk about her relationship; it doesn’t even need to involve your friendship with her. All you need to do is send her an invitation just as you would anyone else, but without the option for a plus one. If she asks why or tries to argue or complain, just stick to your guns and make it clear that this is how it’s going to be and that she can decide whether she will attend.
Your friend sounds like she’s a little off, to be honest. I would reevaluate whether I’d want someone like her as a friend, if I was you.
Post # 8
Rhopalocera: Yeah, at this point I would actually prefer to just not invite her but considering she’s already been to the shower and got a save the date that’s not an option. She used to be a much better friend/person before this guy, but after a year of dating he has definitely rubbed off on her.
We are basically doing that rule anyways, other than for our Bridal Party because they obviously are a lot more involved with the wedding and are our most close friends. Almost all of them are married or engaged anyways.
Post # 9
Its a special case. Although you should invite SO’s I can see excluding one that you specifically don’t get along with. There is a good chance this means your friend won’t attend but it is what it is.
Post # 10
I think you said what you had to say so there really isn’t the need to readdress it. However!!! if you keep hearing about things from other people I think it should be addressed to just save yourself from dealing with the stress. I wouldn’t go into the reasons again but just say we discussed this and it is stressful when I hear the things you have said to other people. Maybe explain to her that the decision wasn’t based on that one night and that it included his response to the fight and his ongoing behavior. I can’t help but wonder why she stays with this dbag but if it is poor judgement it may be hard to have her understand your side at all.
Post # 11
Seems that she isn’t the greatest friend (or could be going through a rough faze)… maybe thats something you need to focus on. I’m having a similiar problem with one of our groomsmen, he is behaving extremely inappropriate (another story) and we made it clear that if he didn’t change his attitude (at least at wedding functions) then he wouldn’t be in our wedding party and probably not even invited 🙁 Our wedding isn’t until 2016 so he has plenty of time to grow up but if he doesn’t I will stick by what I said and remove him from the wedding party. It is your wedding and as much as you want your friends to be there it doesn’t sound like this girl is in the best place right now. I would talk to her (even if it causes HUGE drama) and say you love her and want her in your life but this guy will not be coming to your wedding. Remind her that this isn’t just about her relationship, you know this guy from work and don’t like him regardless of the fact that they are dating. If you can, ask her why she is in this relationship and if she can see herself marrying him (and if she says yes ask WHY?!?!?) Really reinforce that you love and care for her and this guy isn’t what she needs.
You said she use to be nicer before dating him, ask her if she remembers what she use to be like and if she’s ok with the person she’s turning into. It sounds like this girl needs a wake up call.