(Closed) Plus ones…

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
4717 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think you stated it clearly in the end… if she doesn’t want to come because he’s not invited, she doesn’t have to come.  I suggest still just sending the invitation made out explicitly to her, and if she wants to throw a hissy-fit, let her. But keep in mind, this could be a damper on your friendship with her.  You have to decide what’s important.  Who knows?  Maybe he won’t want to go if he’s not welcome.

Post # 4
5189 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

damarajade:  She said friends “shouldn’t be petty over stupid little fights”. Well, you made it clear to her why you didn’t want to invite him (and rightfully so I might add) and now she’s the one being petty. It’s not her wedding so she doesn’t get to dictate your guest list. Invite her alone and if she declines the ball is in her court. You didn’t do anything wrong.

Post # 5
2716 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

nittanybride14:  The guy sounds like a complete douche, but unfortunately,  you need to either invite both of them or neither one.  All SOs should be invited – the only exceptions are if that SO is a convicted felon, has threatened someone who will be at the wedding, or has tried to split up the bride and groom.  

I honestly get why you don’t want to invite him (I wouldn’t either) but remember that you don’t invite your guests’ SOs for your benefit, you invite them for your guest’s benefit.  I also don’t think weddings are an appropriate time to voice your approval/disapproval of someone else’s relationship.  Also, try and see it from your friend’s point of view; it’s never fun to hear that your friends think your Boyfriend or Best Friend is a dick and isn’t invited.

So I think you should suck it up and invite him for your friend’s sake.  With 150 at your wedding, you will hardly have to interact with him – just a quick hello and thank you for coming.

Post # 7
2297 posts
Buzzing bee

I would extend plus ones to married people and engaged people only. 

As for the situation with your friend, I would make it very simple by enforcing the married/engaged plus one rule, and leave it up to her to attend or not. This does not need to involve emotions or any talk about her relationship; it doesn’t even need to involve your friendship with her. All you need to do is send her an invitation just as you would anyone else, but without the option for a plus one. If she asks why or tries to argue or complain, just stick to your guns and make it clear that this is how it’s going to be and that she can decide whether she will attend. 

Your friend sounds like she’s a little off, to be honest. I would reevaluate whether I’d want someone like her as a friend, if I was you. 

Post # 9
1871 posts
Buzzing bee

Its a special case.  Although you should invite SO’s I can see excluding one that you specifically don’t get along with.  There is a good chance this means your friend won’t attend but it is what it is. 

Post # 10
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I think you said what you had to say so there really isn’t the need to readdress it. However!!! if you keep hearing about things from other people I think it should be addressed to just save yourself from dealing with the stress. I wouldn’t go into the reasons again but just say we discussed this and it is stressful when I hear the things you have said to other people. Maybe explain to her that the decision wasn’t based on that one night and that it included his response to the fight and his ongoing behavior. I can’t help but wonder why she stays with this dbag but if it is poor judgement it may be hard to have her understand your side at all. 

Post # 11
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Seems that she isn’t the greatest friend (or could be going through a rough faze)… maybe thats something you need to focus on. I’m having a similiar problem with one of our groomsmen, he is behaving extremely inappropriate (another story) and we made it clear that if he didn’t change his attitude (at least at wedding functions) then he wouldn’t be in our wedding party and probably not even invited 🙁 Our wedding isn’t until 2016 so he has plenty of time to grow up but if he doesn’t I will stick by what I said and remove him from the wedding party. It is your wedding and as much as you want your friends to be there it doesn’t sound like this girl is in the best place right now. I would talk to her (even if it causes HUGE drama) and say you love her and want her in your life but this guy will not be coming to your wedding.  Remind her that this isn’t just about her relationship, you know this guy from work and don’t like him regardless of the fact that they are dating.  If you can, ask her why she is in this relationship and if she can see herself marrying him (and if she says yes ask WHY?!?!?) Really reinforce that you love and care for her and this guy isn’t what she needs.

You said she use to be nicer before dating him, ask her if she remembers what she use to be like and if she’s ok with the person she’s turning into. It sounds like this girl needs a wake up call.

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