(Closed) Plus Ones?

posted 1 month ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
8483 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

citizenerased14 :  6-7 months does not seem like a gray area to me. I’d plan to invite them. If they break up before invitations go out, nbd. But I’d figure them in for now.

Post # 3
Member
5313 posts
Bee Keeper

-So relationships will be 6+ months

-They’re travelling from out of state to your wedding 

-You have widly incorrectly calculated your acceptance rate – (it would be incredibly unlikely to get 100% yes RSVP)

I would play by ear, but plan to invite them. As you say, a lot can happen by the time you send out invites. If they aren’t together, great. But you’re expecting them to travel out of state AND will likely get some declines from other guests. 

Post # 4
Member
370 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Using personal judgment on what a “long-term, committed relationship” is can be such a fraught topic. If you’re not going to extend +1s, an easily observable rule is best: living together or engaged couples only. 

Personally, I think offering a +1 (ESPECIALLY if a wedding involves travel) is the polite thing to do with adults, but there are limits to budgets. Personally, we offered any guest a +1 who wanted one, but very few of our singles took us up on it. Our wedding was us, maybe 8 family members, and like 40 friends/partners we were close with. It worked out fine.

Post # 5
Member
2449 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

This is a tough spot. If you think you can make it work in the budget to potentially have those additional 6 guests I’d probably reach out to those friends in particular and just ask them – “hey.. so, I’m trying to figure out whether you SO should be invited to the wedding in June. What do you think? Were you figuring on bringing him or flying solo?” 

I mean, really, friends should be able to talk honestly with each other without getting worked up and offended. 

Post # 6
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

If you had a hard limit at 80 I’d say invite them without their partners, but reach out personally and let them know that if you have space you’ll extend an invite to their partner closer to the date. 

However, given that you don’t have a hard limit at 80, I think you should just go ahead and invite partners. You should invite them by name though! It’s much nicer… and also if the friends then break up between when you send the invite and the wedding, they won’t now have a random +1 they can use to bring a brand new date or their cousin or whatever. 

You will almost certainly get at least a couple declines, especially if anyone is traveling. We had about ten people who were SO excited to come and said they would clear their schedules to be sure they could be there, and then ultimately couldn’t be. life happens!

Post # 7
Member
13379 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

How would you feel if you were dating someone and invited single to an out of state wedding?  Personally, I’d feel pretty crappy and would hate to my friends or family members feel like that.  

I don’t think this is a gray area – you should invite them.

Post # 8
Member
906 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

So if I were in the position of one of your newly dating friends – I would not expect or want a plus one. Even if I was given a plus one, I would not bring a partner of a few months to the wedding of one of my college friends. I’d rather spend time with my college friend group while I’m there, not with my new boyfriend. 

That being said, I’m not one that’s easily offended by not being invited/not being given a plus one/not being included as a plus one, and I generally err on the side of “your wedding, your rules” so take what I say with a grain of salt, lol.

Post # 9
Member
1907 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

citizenerased14 :  I like the idea of reaching out to your friends, congratulate them on the new relationship and see if they’d like to bring them to your wedding.

They might not want to bring a date and treat it more like a college reunion, or they may want to make a little vacation out of it and bring their partner to enjoy it with them. 

Also I dont think it really matters how long they’ve been together, not everyone says “we’ve been together six months so now were serious”, some people do that after one month. It’s not on anyone else to define a relationship. If they’re comitted, they’re comitted.

Post # 10
Member
998 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

citizenerased14 :  When do you send the invitations? Maybe some circumstances will happen with other guests between now and the invitations being mailed that will make room for these extra 6. Did you plan your wedding during the school year? Someone with kids or in college is going to pass on that for sure.

I bet someone will get pregnant too…. happened to two of my guests and a bridesmaid. Between the pregnant ladies, their husbands and their other kids, pregnancy accounted for 9 of my NOs.

But, what if 6 more people enter relationships? This is hard.

Maybe make a hard & fast rule that Plus Ones go to:

– Siblings

– Wedding Party

– Couples that live together

– Couples that are engaged

Make it black and white and make it fair and don’t be the judge of the seriousness of these relationships… just use physical facts. If these college friends are coming from the same friend group, they should be thrilled to have the reunion.

 

Post # 11
Member
3836 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

It depends how you think your friends would react. I have seen it many times where a couple invite college friends as a group without plus ones. I think this worlds well when everyone is in their 20s.

The main thing to me is not that these friends have only been in relationships for 6 months but that you won’t have met the boyfriends/girlfriends before the wedding. The last thing I would want is a smallish wedding and 6 strangers that I have never met. I don’t view my wedding as a weird time to celebrate everyone’s relationship, it is my fiancé and I committing our lives to each other and I would not feel comfortable doing that in front of strangers.

Post # 12
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee

citizenerased14 :  I was not invited to an out-of-state wedding after dating my then boyfriend for 2 years. It hurt because I love going to weddings with my SO but I quickly got over it. The bride was in the gross “no ring, no bring” camp.

With that being said, I know you’re worried about costs. The right thing to do is to invite everyone and their SOs. You mentioned splurging on catering, but could you scale it back. If you’re spending $300/per person, spending even $275 and forgoing the cheese plate, would keep your budget on track. Scale back centerpieces or decor if you can’t change the menu. You can make this work! Don’t stress. 

Post # 14
Member
1054 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I would never ask my friend to travel out of state without offering a plus 1. They may not take it, but I’d offer.

Post # 15
Member
280 posts
Helper bee

I would invite them. I got invited to a wedding this past summer and they didn’t invite my bf at the time (even though we’d been together for three years) and I felt hurt. It was also very awkward by myself. 

I totally get where you’re coming from but it would probably make them more comfortable too!

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