(Closed) Plus ones

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
12975 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If they are living together, engaged, or in a serious long term relationship, it’s rude to not invite that person with their significant other. 

Post # 4
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would say that you need to invite both X’s live-in girlfriend and Y’s fiance.  It’s quite rude to not invite them.

Post # 5
Member
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Personally if I was invited and told not to bring my SO I would be okay with that as long as I knew other people there (besides the bride and groom) and if it was explained that its your wish to have a VERY intimate wedding with only people you know.  If all that was explained to me, but I didnt know anyone else at the wedding I wouldnt go. 

Post # 6
Member
2711 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Sorry, but I don’t think not liking someone’s SO or not knowing them is a good enough reason not to invite them.  And as PPs have said, it’s very rude not to.  I understand why you don’t want to, but think of how hurt your friend would be to find out her Fiance wasn’t invited because you don’t care for him.  I think it would also cause a rift in your friendship.  How would you feel if your Fiance was invited to a wedding but not you because the bride didn’t like you? 

Also, your wedding isn’t for 7 months!  I wouldn’t worry too much about all of this now.  If you are close to X than I’m sure at some point you’ll meet his Girlfriend and hopefully get to know her better.  I would keep her on the guest list.

Post # 7
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

Yes, unfortunately, when people are engaged, married, living together or in a committed relationship, they are “package deals” and you have to take the good with the bad. If you invite one-half of a couple without the other, there is a very good chance you will offend the person you are on good terms with as well as infuriate the one with whom you’re not.

As PP mentioned, your best bet is to wait and see. When it gets closer to your wedding date and it’s time to send out invitations, they may no longer be together. If they still are, then you need to decide whether to draw a line that includes both of them or neither of them.

Post # 8
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I agree with PPs… I’ve been to weddings where I only met the bride after the ceremony bc my Fiance is friends with the groom and vice versa.  I think it’s just considerate of your guests relationship.  I dont think anyone wants to be told “I hate your Fiance hes not allowed!”

Post # 9
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you really can’t stand the idea of inviting the girlfriend and fiance of X and Y, then you need to not invite X or Y. 

When a couple is engaged they’ve made their intentions of spending their life together public.  To ignore that is quite rude (think of how you’d feel if somebody said you are invited to a fancy party, but not your Fiance, because “we don’t like him.”)

When a couple lives together, polite society assumes that the pair are secretly married, so they must be treated as a “package deal” as well.

It can be a difficult decision – I decided to invite the friend and deal with the horrid Fiance for my upcoming wedding.  It was a close call though!  But we never (seriously) considered issuing an invitation to only one of them.  (Oh, but there were jokes!)

Post # 10
Member
857 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@UmbrellaMoon:  This!

 

And, boy, the jokes Fiance and I are having …he’s hoping a couple breaks up so we won’t have his friend’s significant other there … and I can’t say I disagree with him! 

Post # 11
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

From my experience, not being allowed to bring a date does not go over well with MOST people, even good friends. I would let them bring dates and save yourself the hassle. You have to ask yourself if the money is worth losing or offending your friends.

Post # 12
Member
3266 posts
Sugar bee

You are inviting the spouses for their own comfort, not yours. 

Social units are a package, and one cannot invite one without the other.  It doesn’t matter if you like them, or don’t know them, they are a permanent part of your friends lives. 

Perhaps this will be the time to make inroads in your relationship with them or to get to know them better.

Post # 13
Member
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’m going to have to go against everyone else and say you can do whatever you want. It is INTIMATE and you will have to spend time with these people so you decide. Explain your reason to your friends and hope they understand, if not I suppose compromising wouldn’t be the end of the world but these people will be in your pictures forever. 

Best of luck! 

Post # 14
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Ultimately, it’s entirely up to you, but if you are that close with these friends of yours, then you really should invite their partners. Assuming your wedding is still a while away (you’re only planning the guestlist now, right?), there’s still plenty of time for you to meet X’s girlfriend, and you might love her! As for Y’s fiance, well, they’re planning on getting married, and if you want to have Y as a part of your life in the future, then her and her fiance come as a package, just as you and your fiance are a package. You’re still going to go out places with her, and will have to at least tolerate her fiance.

Not to mention that, when they get married, would it be okay for Y and fiance to invite you and not your husband, or invite your husband and not you? On top of that, if you do manage to invite your friends without their partners, will other friends be allowed to bring their significant others? I’d be pretty pissed if someone told me a wedding was too small to have my fiance, but everyone else in our social circle got a plus one.
Ultimately, it’s up to you, but I really think you should invite them unless you have a good way of not inviting them without hurting anyone’s feelings (if you do, let us know,  because you’re not the only one that’s had this problem!).

Post # 15
Member
2605 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@UmbrellaMoon:  +1!

 

OP, good etiquette requires you invite live-ins, fiances, and married couples as a unit. Period. It’s not an arbitrary rule for the reasons that UmbrellaMoon mentioned. But if it helps you, consider the following:

1. The friend who just moved in with the “stranger” is a good friend, yes? Well, then presumably this “stranger” will be in his life for a while if they’ve moved in together–this is your chance to get to know the girl that he’s serious about.

2. While I understand your desire to have an intimate affair with only those nearest and dearest, do you really want to use your nuptials to convey your dislike of one friend’s fiance?  And furthermore, do you really want your nuptials to be an event that causes friction and drama between you and your good friends?

 

 

Post # 16
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You invite them. They aren’t plus ones, they are the significant others of your guests.

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