(Closed) ! Pointers if u decide to hyphenate your name !

posted 7 years ago in Names
Post # 3
Member
886 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Ugh. More fuel for the “never changing my name” fire. My one and only concern with having a different last name from my husband and possible future children will be people questioning if we’re truly a family. For example, sending him to the post office to pick my mail up for me. I could see someone not wanting to give him the package based on our different last names. Other than that, I could say I’m just as upset that he didn’t take my last name or agree to hyphenate! 🙂 To me it’s all just some arbitrary cultural thing. In other cultures it’s taboo for the man not to take the woman’s name. The only truly equal way I’ve seen this done is when this one couple basically both hyphenated each other’s last names together. For example Ms. Smith and Mr. Johnson became Mr. and Mrs. Smith-Johnson or Johnson-Smith. Just not a fan of the hyphenated thing myself, personally, since I do a lot of paperwork and the shorter my name is the better!

Post # 4
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Bent Creek Winery (Livermore, California); Reception: Family Residence (San Ramon, California)

Personally, I find some of what you said really offensive, especially the whole claim that if you don’t take your husband’s last name, he secretly hates that you didn’t. That is a generalization that does not in any way shape or form apply to all men, and it is very hurtful and rude to make this claim about all men.

My Fiance and I are both hyphenating our last names, so that our new last name will be Mine-His. He does not secretly hate that I’m not taking his last name–he LOVES that we are hyphenating together because we have a lot of great reasons for doing so. This is the right decision for us, and to imply otherwise is offensive and a gross misrepresentation of many men (and women) out there.

Also, your “evidence” for why men secretly hate that their wives don’t change their names is just silly. So maybe they don’t know you don’t file under the first last name? Maybe the men you see in your pharmacy don’t actually represent all men everywhere? Unless the men have said to you, “I’m not asking under her hyphenated name because I hate that she didn’t just take my name,” your claim has no proof whatsoever. 

Honestly, I think it would be great if you had more compassion toward people who choose to hyphenate. Unfortunately, a lot of us receive flack for making this choice because others don’t understand or appreciate why we choose to hyphenate in the first place. What a person does with their last name after marriage (or at any other time in their life) is a very personal decision, and it’s frustrating that a lot of people out there can’t just accept this decision. I mean, would it be so bad to ask Ann Grace-Smith if the Grace was part of her last name or her middle? I don’t think so, and she’d probably be thrilled that she didn’t have to clarify herself in this situation. I didn’t choose to hyphenate my name to make your life harder or more confusing, and I really don’t think it’s that big enough of a deal to cause you so much stress that you have to write a post like this. 

Post # 6
Member
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

What happens if you hyphenate your name and then your daughter marrys a boy who parents hyphenated their name too.

When they marry will they be Mary and Andrew Wood-Moore-Stevens-McDonald?

Hyphenating seems to be a single generation solution, and the above theoritical situation always amuses me.

I have two middle names and that makes filling out forms a mission, no way am I adding a fifth name to the mix!

Post # 7
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Whoa!  There is a lot of judgement in this topic!   My husband loves me and was very open to me doing whatever I was comfortable with.   So funny!

I didn’t hyphenate.  I’m Mrs. Smith Jones so to speak.   It wouldn’t occur to me to call is an Mrs. Jones for something like that.

Sorry that it’s so confusing for some people, but it’s my name.   I haven’t come across any confusion at all about it.  *shruggy guy*

My children will have his last name.   For various reasons, I didn’t want to drop my maiden name.  

Post # 8
Member
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@parasol: She did say “some” men feel that way, not all husbands of hyphenaters. And even if her example isn’t the strongest, that’s a pretty fair comment overall. There are some men out there who feel that way. My husband is one of them. He’s getting over it.

@Earlybride: Why put all the responsibility on the worker? Because it’s your job, for which you get paid and should do well. Of course customers are sometimes irritatingly oblivious and for the ease of all involved should contribute their entire names clearly, but honestly, this sounds more like why you don’t like your job or your customers than it is “help” to married women.

@LessIsMoore: Even if the mother hyphenates her name, the children can have hers/his/theirs/whatever. You don’t have to automatically hyphenate your children’s names. I’m hyphenated, but we’ll give kids his last name and probably use my maiden as a second middle name that will probably never get used but just exist quietly. And if you do choose to hyphenate the kids’ names, I’m sure that when/if s/he gets married, s/he can then choose on their own how to handle their names.

Post # 9
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I personally have received a lot of judgement for hyphenating my name, and I think it is downright silly. What a woman decides to do about her last name after marrying is ultimately up to her and no one else. If she ends up having to deal with confusion from companies, etc., then she’ll deal with it. Trust me, I know as a person who hyphenated her last name!

I think it makes complete sense to explain to the pharmacy- or any other company for that matter- that your name is hyphenated rather than assuming they understand. I always explain to them that the two last names are hyphenated as one, and I never have serious problems.

But I also think it’s not really fair for pharmacists and employees to get livid if a husband gets flustered and gives the wrong name once in a while and gets confused about how your filing system works. I have changed my name with all my credit cards, etc., but I still sometimes get mail to just my maiden name rather than my hyphenated name even though I have taken the proper steps to change it. I could see my Darling Husband perhaps just using one of the names on accident at the store, and I would hate for him to be greeted with a nasty attitude just because he doesn’t know how your system works. 

Side note: OP, I do totally get that you would be frustrated with the guy who never gets it right regardless of the fact that he shops with you all the time. That’s just an issue of not paying attention on his part. 

Post # 10
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@brideatbeach:  I agree.  If a pharmacy were to act like that, I would be switching pretty quickly!   Crazy!

Post # 11
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Forgetfulness =/= hating that the wife didn’t take his last name.

I am confused, however, when after you don’t find it under Smith, you don’t immediately say, “I don’t see it under Smith.  Is Grace a middle or last name?”  No need to ask immediately for the 74 where Smith is the last name…but after you don’t see it there, why should it cause such as a hassle when you know that might be a possibility?

Also…please avoid text speak when typing a post.  It makes it hard to read.

Post # 13
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

At the request of the OP, I’ll close this thread.

The topic ‘! Pointers if u decide to hyphenate your name !’ is closed to new replies.

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