Poker game made me cry – how to handle?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 16
2487 posts
Buzzing bee

You are certainly in charge of how you choose to react to this, but I don’t see elevating the event to a “breach of trust” UNLESS you see finding a resolution to your feelings of discomfort by doing so.

Most likely you are in possession of NUMEROUS skills that some of the cronies at not even realize exist, so there’s that.

I think your partner may simply have regarded the evening in a much more lighthearted context than you did. The fact that he “immediately apologized” when he realized that you were disturbedwould seem to confirm this.

What was STUPID about the evening’s activity was that none of the gathering realized or acknowledged that you would not be as expert as they when playing a game for the first time AND that ALL of them failed to have empathy for a novice among experts.

You are totally entitled to voice your discomfort about what happened, and to expect to be heard without your partner assuming a defensive stance. That said, he will hopefully repeat his regret for how things played out, and excuse you if you decide not to play next time.

Post # 17
5916 posts
Bee Keeper

amanda1988 :  sunburn :  All of this. 

People don’t get to treat you shittily and then label you as too sensitive- and most importantly, don’t do this to yourself! You shouldn’t have to be able to ‘hold your own’ at what is supposed to be a friendly social event. This doesn’t sound like a one-off ‘joke’ that fell flat and hurt your feelings (still not okay), this was all of them- including your own partner!- piling on to make you the butt of their stereotypical silly little woman spending all the guy’s hard earned cash, can’t even handle money ongoing mockery. 

These guys sound like a bunch of asses- and as sunburn says, your partner turns into an ass right along with them. I notice he made fun of you in public but apologized in private. To give him the benefit of the doubt, it could be because he only realized belatedly he’d acted like a douche and hurt you- but it’s also possible he wouldn’t want to look uncool to his friends admitting he was wrong and sorry.

I’d also like to know how all of his buddies know you share a bank account? If he talks like this about you to your face, wtf does he say behind your back? Totally unacceptable and uncool. 

I love Amanda’s “Jack stop being such an arrogant piece of shit. It’s not attractive at all” Perfect. If you do end up around these egotistical frat boys again, I’d go with this. And I’d also watch to see if your partner, knowing this incident upset you, has your back if it happens again or if he not only doesn’t have the backbone to defend you but piles on with them. While this might not be a relationship ending incident for you, you do need to watch for disrespectful treatment of you in front of his friends being an ongoing pattern, it says quite a bit about his character. 

Also, don’t feel ‘less than’ around these boors. Being a high school teacher is a damn good job and you should be proud of your accomplishment. If they think they’re better than you, that shows their crassness- but I also wouldn’t continue to hang out with clods like this. I see plenty of arrogance at work over who has what initials tacked on to their names – lol I can think of a few who practically float around campus, their heads have gotten so big- but I also am privileged to work with some really admirable people who have class as well as an education and treat everyone decently rather than use their education as a means to look down on others.  

Post # 18
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

You aren’t being overly sensitive, and you don’t have to take this. Your husband’s friends sound like asses, and although your husband may not be an ass, he sure was acting like one. I would tell your husband that you don’t like who he becomes around his friends. I’d tell him that he has to have your back and stand up for you. When he joins with his friends in making you the butt of the joke, he’s essentially choosing them over you. So not okay. I would have a talk with him to make sure he truly understands how this has made you feel and how not okay it was for him to do this. It’s obviously still bothering you, so I think talking it out with him further could help.

Post # 19
111 posts
Blushing bee

hibeesknees :  PPs addressed everything I wanted to say, but I want to also tell you that your job as a high school teacher is tremendously amazing and adds such value to the world. Sure PhD’s are useful I guess… but I think you are very valuable, smart, and amazing to be a high school teacher. While your husband’s friends spend their days pontificating about theories and things on just an academic level, you are actually making change every day. 

Post # 20
1302 posts
Bumble bee

people can be different with their friends than they are with their partner, and thats not always a positive thing. if you are satisfied with your partner’s apology i would just be clear about your expectations of him in future situations and make sure he treats you with respect, always. you can accept someone’s apology and still be upset. your feelings are valid even if the situation has been resolved and there is nothing more to discuss. 

sidenote: i was a HS teacher for five years, until i got married. these guys are literally still students, so i suggest you take the next opportunity to turn on your teacher voice and take them to school next time they want to act like jackasses. 🙂

Post # 21
363 posts
Helper bee

hibeesknees :  I think you’re a tad oversensitive and feel insecure around his friends.

Poker is a game of bluffing, faking confidence, calling out other’s bluff, and trashing other people. It’s a game where you win by leveraging your knowledge of statistics and exploiting your opponents weaknesses. Unfortunately this isn’t your game and you let them get to you.

Poker isn’t for everybody. People don’t play poker for fun, they play to win and boost their ego. I prefer the blackjack table myself as I am horrible at feigning confidence.

Just don’t play poker with them anymore. Or watch some poker games and learn more before you play.

Post # 22
2235 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Something similar happened to me with my husband many years ago (I used to make significantly less than him), and honestly, it still upsets me to think about it. My husband apologized and nothing like that ever happened again. I still think it was incredibly shitty of him to say it, and he regrets it.


I would let him know again that you felt hurt and humiliated by him and his friends, and he should have realized it was going too far before you were actually in tears. After that, if you can truly consider this a one time, isolated incident, that he honestly feels sorry about (not just sorry that you’re mad at him and now he has to make amends, but honestly sorry for hurting you), then I think you’ll be able to move on. If this becomes an ongoing thing however, then I think you have some tough decisions to make.

Post # 23
322 posts
Helper bee

malayna :  wow, these boys really needed a confidence boost if they had to bash a novice at her first try in order to feel better about themselves!

Post # 27
363 posts
Helper bee

I don’t know what people expect Poker to be like.. I’m imagining like socialist communists complaining about people being mean to them in Monopoly. lol

Post # 30
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

hibeesknees :  yep.  not even a little surprised.

My husband was a math PhD student when I met him.  My PhD is in applied economics.  The people I met from his program (NOT his friends.. his friends were other not-asshole math PhD students) were mostly assholes.  His advisor; the postdocs; the other students.  I did meet SOME professors who were fine, for sure, but I also met some who never outgrew the assholery. 

They took every opportunity to put me down, including backhanded compliments: “wow you’re actually pretty smart: you probably could’ve done a math PhD!” (implying econ is the easier PhD and therefore I am lower than they are) to which I’d always reply: “I could have but have you seen what math PhDs get paid compared to econ?  I’d say I made the smarter life choice…”.  I mention this because–guess what? They’ll put down ANYONE to try and make themselves feel better.  It has nothing to do with your education, your income, your intelligence, etc.. its 100% about their insecurities.  

Anyway, while in general I don’t like to play dirty.. I make an exception for pompous assholes who think tearing other people down makes them big men.  So here’s their weaknesses: they know they are socially incompetent, so use it.

That’s why I added the “its not attractive” to the end of my “comeback” in my first post.  The best thing you can do is let them know their behavior is NOT impressive:

“Does insulting me make you feel a little better about getting rejected by your tinder date last night?”

“Keep treating women like that: it’s working out great for you so far.”

“Yeah, being good at card games is sooooo impressive.  Rain man was swimming in poon.”

(Since they’re math and physics PhDs.. I’m gonna bet they’re mostly single.. lol.)

And, for the rest:

“See.  That.  Saying shit like that is why no one likes you.” 


I can tell you, first hand, its very cathartic to straight up tell them when they’re being assholes.

But that’s all re: your husbands friends.  With your husband.. I think he needs a stern talk that him putting down his own wife makes him come off as a small, small man and its not only heartbreaking he’d sacrifice your feelings just to try to impress his friends, but its embarassing to see him act so spinelessly.  Because it is spineless to betray a loved one’s trust just to try and get a laugh from your asshole friends.

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