(Closed) Polite way to ask for $ as gifts?

posted 7 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 92
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

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@AquaGrey8962:  because stating where someone is registered still gives the giver the option to ignore it.  Just because you register at Macy’s doesn’t guarantee all your gifts will be bought there.  Registries are wish lists.  Asking for money is a blatant gift grab. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No poem cute or otherwise changes that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Historically gifts arrived and were opened before the wedding and displayed in the bride’s home.  Thank you notes sent out immediately.   Historically most brides were leaving home for the first time when they married.  As times have changed the majority of gifts are monetary or gift card variety. 

 

 

And “big” words do not make one important or classy.  Actions and ideas do.

Post # 93
Member
3657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

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@RunsWithBears:  you said

Your guests are not stupid, they know cash is appreciated, you don’t need to tell them and try and dictate the gift.

yup, you nailed it.

 

Post # 94
Member
3657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

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@gorusticorgohome:  You took down your avatar photo? Interesting.

If  you sent me an invitation I would wonder why you felt the need to instruct me what to bring as a gft to your wedding and how to package it. That’s beyond the pale in my circle. But it actually is so extreme that I might attend the wedding for the primary purpose of seeing an entertaining spectacle, one that entertains me, but not in the way you are thinking.

 

Post # 96
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Wow, this post has taken a turn … for the worse.

I have to chuckle…

Etiquette has been around for 100s of years… and for at least as long, folks have been celebrating Weddings with happy couples, and YES folks bringing along Gifts.

Long before FaceBook, The Internet, Gift Registries… or even the Telephone.

The word got out there… and the majority of Guests did not come empty-handed.

Mind-Boggling… however did that happen in the 1600s, 1700s, and the 1800s in the USA… I cannot for the life of me understand !!

Now we fast forward to the 21st Century… and suddenly there is a GREAT NEED to inform Wedding Guests of not only WHERE to find possible Gifts (a Registry… or 2, 3, 4, 5)

BUT to go as far as to say…

“Nah I’m not that thrilled about a Registry List… because gosh, I don’t wish to be GRACIOUS for just any old thing bought at a Housewares / Department Store / Cooking Boutique etc… What I REALLY REALLY WANT IS CASH MONEY !!  And oh ya be sure and put it in a nice Envelope, write your name upon it, and drop it into the designated spot at the Wedding where we can be sure and get our greedy little hands on it ASAP”

If that isn’t NOT CARING about your Guest’s Feelings… and making THE GIFT MONEY GIFT and YOUR NEEDS a priority… then I’m not sure what else would say it even more clearly

Small LARGE Unmarked Bills” perhaps ???

Truth is any Bride that is spending inordinate amount of energy on the whole Guests giving Gifts aspect (ie vs not mentioning it at all) 

Is probably making the Gift Giving too much of a PRIORITY for her Wedding… particularly so if you are WORRIED that your Guests WON’T GET IT RIGHT (that is a telling sign… RIGHT by who’s standards ?  Oh ya yours of course… again showing a LACK OF CONSIDERATION for the Guest and their right to choose how they wish to recognize / celebrate your Marriage)

A Wedding is NOT ABOUT THE GIFTS… so truly they need NO MENTION AT ALL EVER

If someone does choose to bring you something it is a GIFT.  Period.

GIFT = Something that is bestowed volunarily and without compensation.

And as any 5 year will tell you the BEST GIFTS are those that are unexpected… and given with LOVE

 

Post # 97
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

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@canway11:  +1 you rock I feel the same way.

“I agree.  I am sorry that some people on here equate a want for no physical gifts to mean poor.  Not the case, we have had the money to buy ourselves all the household items we need.   Now if anyone would like to help with our next big purchase that would be great but we don’t need more physical gifts, all of ou stuff is very nice we don’t need an upgrade.  And I am spending money on my wedding for a party, but it is more tacky to go to a wedding and not give a gift (money or not). 

 

So for those saying they would give less than they would if someone asked then maybe you should not go to the wedding ……  some bees are a bit to self absorbed.”

 

Post # 98
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

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@AquaGrey8962:  Oh, my stars!!! Hahahaha, that’s gold. Jelly, eh?

 

 

Um… while giving monetary gifts CAN be a cultural thing, asking for a red packet (in my culture) is quite rude. From what I’ve observed in my culture though (SE Asian Chinese), we don’t open gifts nor red envelopes in front of people. When my SO and I attended my cousin’s destination wedding in SE Asia last year, my dad was LIVID that I chipped in a red envelope — just because my cousin had a cutesy currency gift poem.

If people are asking what we need, I would just say, “Your words of wisdom and well-wishes.” Having a table to receive cards/gifts is good enough.

As a bride on a budget, I am NOT expecting anybody to shower us with gifts. We are self-sufficient adults who are getting well-established in our careers. I’ve had friend/family member offering to help out with cakes and pictures — that is their gift. I’m not getting married because I want gifts. I’m getting married because I love my best friend and want to share the day with important people.

Post # 99
Member
35 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

 

Over in the UK the weddings I have attended in the last few years have asked for money ( and I will be one of those people who also requests it as a gift).

Gone are the days where everyone moves in with there partner after marriage and need to fill there house with new bits and bobs. 

I personally don’t want gifts just for the sake of gifts… now this is a waste of other peoples money. 

We have cutlery, kettle, toasters, art, crockery. We don’t need fancy Vera Wang plates or glasses that only get used once a year and that’s if they even come out the cupboard in fear or breakages.

I am sure most people understand why you would ask for money. Guests would not want to buy napkin holders or glam tableware knowing its only for show or in result of a day in a department store with one of the barcode readers making your gift list .

And if they know what you are spending the money on… for example a honeymoon to celebrate your marriage and not a house extension or new carpets.

 

The more traditional folk may insist in buying you a gift …Grandparents for example… but then this is your chance to buy that extra special something for the house.

 

I agree with putting a poem in the invite ( this may be a UK thing)

Post # 100
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Yikes this thread has gotten very prickly! I just thought I’d put it out there that the “very specific instructions for monetary gifts” thing that @gorusticorgohome:  described HAS been done, HOWEVER I’m not sure if it was well-received overall.

My Chinese friend who is marrying a non-Asian UK guy (both living and having the wedding in the UK) sent out her wedding invites WITH red envelopes already included inside the invites. She also had an explanation as to why giving and receiving the red envelopes was lucky both to the giver and recipient. They had a box to accept the envelopes at their wedding.

Personally for me, since my Fiance is Chinese and I’m Asian (but not Chinese), I didn’t have a fit because it’s common to give money in our cultures, but I DID think it was a little “whoa nelly, ok I get it you want money” to have the red envelopes included in the actual invite, especially when the groom’s family are non-Asian. Maybe that’s where the explanation came in to ease the ruffled feathers?

What I’m trying to say is sometimes it also depends on the couple and the culture/context of the people being invited. @gorusticorgohome: I personally don’t agree with doing what you are doing in a US-only context, but take heart that is has been done elsewhere in the world.

Post # 101
Member
1534 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Maybe I am super rude or something, but I don’t see anything wrong with the poems or anything. we already own our own home, and by the time we are married we will have been settled in it for almost 3 years. I am positive there is nothing we would need from a gift registry. I plan to have a poem or something of the sort. The money will be a great help for bills or our honeymoon. I dont need 3 toasters and 4 crockpots.

Post # 102
Member
6036 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

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@This Time Round:  I have to disagree with you here. I also have to point out how incredibly rude it would be to lower what you would normally have given simply because you don’t approve of the actions of the couple in terms of etiquette. Are you saying the couple needs to follow the rules and, in a sense, earn your usual gift of $200-$300 dollars? it’s almost like, if the couple doesn’t do things how you believe them to be correctly done they get punished.

I also find it offensive that you basically imply that younger folks don’t have the means to give a larger gift whether it be money or otherwise. Im 28 and can afford to give a generous gift, and I always do. right around the same amount as you. so older folks aren’t the only ones with the means to give a decent gift. Or more than decent.

I realize you are someone who follows traditional etiquette. I come from a family that, in most cases, also follows proper etiquette. In this case though I think, to an extent, it depends on what is socially accepted in your circle of family and friends. Yes, etiquette is there for a reason, but times change, people change, and depending on where you are from, tradition is different. A lot of what I read on here from you just doesn’t apply where I come from. Dollar dances, registry cards, etc. are all common practice here. No one is offended. Not even my older relatives. In fact, some of those older relatives have married later in life and have done all of the above.  

Etiquette states gifts shouldn’t be mentioned and where I come from, a registry card is ALWAYS included in the invitation. People are confused otherwise. My cousin once didn’t include registry information and people were annoyed tht they had to make calls and try and figure out where and if she was registered. IMO it’s making more work for the guest by not just giving details of a registry or desired gift.

bottom line for me here is that while what you are saying may be what etiquette says, there are other factors to consider.

Now ill just go back to where I came from, the land of no proper etiquette apparently.

end rant.

Post # 103
Member
3657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

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@LeonardLady:  The poems may be rude, but more importantly for me, they are stupid.

Please don’t send me stupid poetry describing something that you want from me. If you insist on telling me in the invitation you are sending to me that you want money, just say it in the King’s English, plain out.

Doesn’t mean I’ll like it and your money request makes it less likely that I’ll attend your wedding, but for the love of god don’t insult my ear by making me read some jingoist plea for a handout.

There is an element in our fair sex who think that “cute” poems are a way to communicate, “cutely” I guess, but it’s more like “cutesy” rubbish to me. ugh. Fortunately my frieinds aren’t of that mind set. I think we are a different tribe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 104
Member
1534 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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@FauxPas2012:  Oh, you don’t have to worry, I’m not inviting you anyways! 🙂

Post # 105
Member
1534 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I just don’t see the difference between regestering for gifts (essentially telling them what items you want) and saying you want money. Either way, you’re telling them what to get you. 

Post # 106
Member
954 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@LeonardLady:  I always thought the real reason behind the line of thinking about people against giving cash is this:

 

they do not want to appear to be stingy when the couple opens gifts.

 

It’s a helluva lot easier to compare a $50 cash gift to a $100 cash gift than a toaster to a tea kettle.

 

 

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