Post # 1
Well. Awhile ago I posted about my stepmom wanting to do my makeup but my mom refusing to have her in the room (marriage still relatively fresh). So. I have to work up the gumption to tell her no.
In other news, my dad wants to sing a song (he wrote) during the ceremony that has a lot of emotional baggage for me when they were going through their divorce. He doesn’t know this part. My stepmom at Thanksgiving asked in this whiny voice, “Awwww, can’t you just let him have this ONE THING?” As if he’s asked for 10239238 things and I keep telling him no. The thing about my dad: he’s relentless. I said, “No live music.” He said, “I have a track for it!” There’s nothing stopping him except the DJ from plugging it in during the reception and doing it then instead.
At any rate, I have to tell both of them that they aren’t doing either of those things, and should probably tell them next week. I hate confrontation like this.
How should I approach it? Some have said it is good to tell hem you’d rather have them enjoy themselves as guests than to stress or worry about the logistics of the day. This makes me so anxious.
Post # 2
I think your stepmom wanting to do your makeup will be the easier one to handle; makeup is really personal, and you can just say you would appreciate her offer of assistance, but would rather do whatever it is you are actually planning (DIY, pro makeup artist, BFF, whatever). “No thank you,” is a fine phrase to be repeated ad nauseum if need be.
Your dad apparently wants to treat your reception as his concert venue, and there is no way you will convince him he really just wants to relax and be your guest. If he has no clue that you don’t actually like the song he wrote, or that it brings up painful memories for you, I think it’s probably time you either told him the truth about how the song makes you feel OR keep saying like a broken record that you just don’t want any special performances at the reception. He can sing a song and have that limelight at his own party, say at his own anniversary, birthday, or BBQ. This is your party, and he is a guest; guests do not get to perform whatever they want to perform. If he were an expert Irish dancer, you wouldn’t have to let him do his dance either.
If your dad and stepmom have their hearts set on these two things, you will not be able to make them happy about your decision. But hey. That’s life. They can accept your decision and move on with finding their own happiness — kind of like you had to when your parents divorced. You have to learn to deal with other people not being happy with everything you decide, and you can say, “I’m sorry you are unhappy about this, but my decision is final.” If your stepmom tries a guilt trip on you, you can say, “I’m sure Dad will sing his songs at other occasions that he hosts; my decision is final.”
I’m sure you will have many talented, creative guests at your wedding. You have the option to invite any one of them — or none of them — to perform. Show-offs are not needed!
Stay strong! Your dad and stepmom are sounding petulant, not a very fine quality.
Post # 6
ohnatto: Wow that was a passive agressive response…. This really sounds like the father is trying to put himself in the spotlight and its just not his place at your wedding. I say that because the OP says hes relentless about this.
MissOtter: a couple of questions:
- Is he a professional singer or does he sound like a yowling cat? IE is this a normal thing for him to be singing at events and how much experience does he have writing professional song lyrics. If hes not a professional IMHO it would be completely out of the question.
- What does the song say that brings up bad memories? Are the lyrics litterally “I left your mom but I never left you….” Whats the part that bothers you? Im just curious.
As for the step mother offering to do your makeup, if shes a professional then it seems like a nice gesture and your mom sounds like shes being a little imature by not allowing her to be in the room.
If she isnt a professional is she just trying to help you DIY something? Or is she trying to position herself next to her husbands ex wife just to poke the bear? I cant really tell by the details you offer.
Being pushy is always rude in my opinion, no matter the motives.
Post # 3
I’m confused – are you telling your MOM no, or your STEPMOM no? I think you should tell your mom you understand if she needs to step out while your stepmom is there, but you are not going to reject your stepmom’s kind offer to do your makeup.
Secondly, it sounds like you’re kind of being a drama queen about the song. Your dad wants to sing a song he wrote? That is sweet and sounds like it would be a great experience for the guests. Unless he used to sing that song while beating your mom, leading to their divorce, I think you should let him do it, or risk looking like a bridezilla and hurting your dad’s feelings.
If your dad DID beat your mom while singing the song, well, you should tell him exactly why you don’t like the song, and your stepmom, too, and tell him you’ll let him sing at your wedding and will even introduce him by sharing the memories that the particular song stirs up for you with all your guests. That ought to shut them up.
Post # 4
ohnatto: I’d be telling my stepmom that she would not be doing my makeup. It’s the whole, “shes acting like your mom and I’m your mom” sentiment.
and the song in question, especially, uses the phrase, “And mama said you’d never let me down.” Welp. That happened. I spent probably a good two weeks added up crying myself to sleep singing that song to myself over the span of a dirty 8-month ordeal. And my dad and I are not on the greatest terms in general. It’s all about a sweet relationship between a daddy/daughter (similar to butterfly kisses). which is not our relationship at all.
Post # 5
MissOtter: Remember the old anti-drug slogan “Just Say No”?
You don’t have to make excuses, in fact, it’s better if you don’t. If you give a person reasons when you say no to something, you just leave an opening for them to start an arguement or defend what they want to do.
“Thanks very much for your offer, but after giving it some thought, I (we) have decided against it.”
“I really appreciate the offer, but I have decided to do my own makeup.”
Post # 7
ImperialRed: Somehow these comments got all mixed up timing wise. But I explained the song in my response to the last one. He’s been singing my whole life, does church music. He’s not a bad singer, and I’ve even thought to offer him singing an alternative song, but don’t know if I want to do that just yet. It is a spotlight thing, but also, he wrote it specifically for singing someday at his daughters’ weddings. But i just can’t let this happen.
Also: yes my stepmom is technically a “professional.” It’s her job. But I am Asian, with a monolid, and no offense but, she probably hasn’t worked on a lot of non-White people. I barely know how to do it myself. My makeup is whatever, I don’t really care how it ends up looking, so it really is all baout keeping the peace of the day.