(Closed) Poll – Did your SO get your father's permission to propose?

posted 7 months ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Did your SO get permission from parents'?

    Yes

    No

    Sort of (Explain)

    Other (Explain)

  • Post # 2
    Member
    3820 posts
    Honey bee

    No and that whole concept is disgusting and demeaning to me. I got married many years ago and it was not a thing… I am shocked that people still do this. I have heard that it is supposedly something to do with respect, but it is entirely disrespectful to the woman, as if she is property. 

    And really, what if the parents say no? Do people really not get married in that case?

    Not to mention that the whole thing was based on a man and a woman which is not the only way to be married.

    Post # 3
    Member
    192 posts
    Blushing bee

    I’m not yet engaged but I have told my bf that it’s my decision to marry him not my parents. I told him he couldn’t “ask” but he could tell them he was going to propose. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    7826 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    I would have found the tradition distasteful for myself, personally, but it was a moot point given that my father had passed away before I ever met my Dh. As for asking my mum, no he did not (again, not my sort of thing). And I walked down the aisle by myself; it honestly never occurred to me to do otherwise.

    Post # 5
    Member
    2819 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2018

    He didn’t ask but he did have a conversation. My dad loves my husband as much as he loves me so my husband wanted to discuss it before he asked me out of respect but he never sought his permission. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    3084 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    View original reply
    @LittleFrenchBee:  Permission, no. Blessing, yes. I’m not a piece of property being given away but out of respect, my husband did tell my dad about his intentions to propose and even hid the ring with him before doing so. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    1462 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2021 - Australia

    I think if you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough to not need permission – and not that being a youngster would make it any different, but at 35, when we’re living together, I think it would be extra weird.

    My fiance did call them in advance as a courtesy and tell them he planned to ask that weekend, but he wasn’t *asking*them anything. I mean, would he not ask if they said no? Of course not (I’d hope, anyway!) so calling it ‘asking permission’ seems inaccurate as well as distasteful, as the other bees have said.

    Post # 8
    Member
    1312 posts
    Bumble bee

    No he didn’t ask but he did tell him before he proposed. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    1872 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2019

    Hubby spoke to my family – but he spoke to his family first. It was more of a “this is happening, what are your thoughts?” conversation, not a “please can I marry your daughter” conversation. He wanted to make sure my family was happy to have him join us, and his family happy for me to join them. 

    He would have proposed either way, and knew neither side would be anything but super excited. But he saw it as a respect thing – the joining of two families. I’m marrying his family as much as he is marrying mine. And he knew how much family meant to me, on both sides. And also he wanted them to be extra excited so when he proposed to me, they could all be in on it!

    It wasn’t about my dad, lol. My dad doesn’t own me. I respect the tradition, but it’s not very 21st century to ask permission from a woman’s father. At least – that’s my opinion. Besides – it was my mother who did about 80% of the parenting. I’d be far more concerned about her thoughts than my dad’s for my prospective husband haha. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    226 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2020

    Didn’t ask for permission but did let him know his intentions.

    Post # 11
    Member
    438 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2019

    I wouldn’t say he asked permission but he did ask for my parents blessing. Basically he called them and asked if he could talk to them about something in person, they said ok (had a feeling what it might be about). He told them he wanted to propose and even kind of outlined what he had in mind as he was thinking of having them involved. I believe they met somewhere for lunch and they ended up treating him, and it was a nice memory for them all so I think that was sweet. Funnily enough, my sister’s now-husband called the exact same day between the time my husband called and the time they went to lunch for the exact same reason (they live out of state so didn’t meet up). My parents were a little surprised but think it hilarious that both guys asked on the same day! We then got engaged a day apart as well, and married in the same year (a few months apart) so it was kind of funny and sweet that we were in the same “place” at similar times and meant chatting was really fun because we were in the same stages!

    I did walk down the aisle with my father and did a father daughter dance (but picked a funny song) but I did not want to be “given away” whereas my sister chose to have both our parents give her away. We also wrote our own vows so I didn’t have any obey language. 

    I didn’t have a preference one way or another about him asking my parents ahead of time, and didn’t know he did it until after I had said yes. I’m glad they had a nice time bonding but I wouldn’t have minded if he didn’t do it, and my parents wouldn’t have either. I think my dad probably said something like “we think it’s great but it’s her you have to ask, not us! From conversations we’ve already had with her, we’re pretty sure she’ll say yes though”.

    To a pp’s question about what we would do if they said no- I talked to my parents about wanting to get engaged before we got to that point. If they’d said it was too fast or had serious issues with him, I would have listened seriously and thought about their feedback. They’re wise people who love me dearly but are also very fair and kind, so their judgement does hold a lot of weight for me. My mom once asked if he was controlling just because of a couple of stories I mentioned. I told her I had asked myself the same thing but then explained he had never shown controlling behavior and gave some examples of why I thought not. She listened and said that sounded good then, but she wanted to ask just in case, which I really appreciate. Too many women are stuck in controlling, abusive relationships- it might help if trusted loved ones asked early on how they were being treated. I did have the same cautious worry in the beginning, but came to see he is very stubborn and opinionated but not controlling at all. But if my parents had legitimate reasons to worry, I would weigh their opinion against my own before deciding. If I thought they were wrong, no, I would do what I wanted and marry him anyway.

    Post # 12
    Member
    832 posts
    Busy bee

    Another vote for he asked for their blessing, not their permission. But it was a formality because they had gotten to know him well and knew early on that marriage was our intention and were always very supportive of our relationship.

    I value my parents opinions and the older I get the more I find they were right about a lot of things. If they didn’t like him we would have had a conversation much sooner and I would have done some real soul searching to determine if they were right to have concerns or if they were mistaken about this.

    ETA: This seems to be a really contentious topic for some people. It’s great if you didn’t want your parents included in any way, but for others it’s not even a question if parents/family would be involved because they appreciate feedback and the opinions of those who know them best.

    Post # 13
    Member
    776 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2021

    Absolutely not. My fiancé did not ask for permission or a blessing or anything like that, and he didn’t call them to let them know that he was going to propose. It’s none of my parents’ business who I choose to marry, full stop! My fiancé and I bought a ring together a few weeks before he proposed, and I didn’t even tell my parents about that. The night we got engaged, we video called my parents and told them the good news together. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    1100 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2019

    View original reply
    @LittleFrenchBee:  my husband basically asked for my parents blessing. Really their support of the marriage, not permission to marry me

    Post # 15
    Member
    958 posts
    Busy bee

    I think it’s interesting that language has changed. Now it’s not asking ‘permission’ it’s ‘blessing’. Gag. No thank you. Just another term for policing women and their decisions.

    And no, my husband thankfully did not ask for permission/blessing/whatever the next cool term is for MY decision. 

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