(Closed) Poll – Did your SO get your father's permission to propose?

posted 7 months ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Did your SO get permission from parents'?

    Yes

    No

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  • Post # 31
    Member
    13559 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    I have never understood why anyone else deserves to know before the couple themselves. That seems a lot more respectful. We both announced our engagement to our parents after it happened. 

    A blessing is lovely but if it’s not asking permission why can’t it take place after the fact? 

    Post # 32
    Member
    7520 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    And the flaw in you example is that you say “we” ask our parents for advice on topics like house buying and healthcare but in the case of asking for permission, oh sorry I mean blessing (gag), it wasn’t a we, it was a he.

    I lhate when women pick and choose what is misogyny to suit their own agenda.  

    View original reply
    @laurana1:  

    Post # 33
    Member
    1262 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

    My husband didn’t propose, so it was moot anyway, but if he had I would have been pretty pissed off if he’d spoken to my parents about it before me. Frankly, I think my stepdad would have laughed about it and said something like “what the hell are you asking me for, ask her!”.

    In terms of asking for a blessing, I’d view it the same. I do respect my parents, but I don’t give a damn whether they approved of me getting married or not. It was a decision we made as two adults, it was nothing to do with them.

    Post # 34
    Member
    437 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2019

    View original reply
    @skuzzlebutt:  No, you’re right, I didn’t ask my mil for permission to marry her son, or “take” him away from her. I don’t think my husband was “taking” me from my family, as I lived on my own since I was grown, I chose to be in a relationship, etc. My husband did not ask for permission either though, so I guess that is why I feel this is purposely being misconstrued? There is a big difference between saying “Hey, we’re going to move to another state and we hope you guys think that’s a good decision, but we’re going to do it regardless” and “Hey, we really want to move states but if you say no we won’t because you make our decisions for us”. So I do hear you when you say they’re similar, except then you turn around and exaggerate what is actually being done/said. However, you are right, I did not tell his mother I intended to marry him ahead of time, though I may have alluded to it (there’s a bit of a language barrier). But I certainly did tell *my* parents that, because that was what I had decided. I guess if I really believed my husband saw me as a cow to be traded and that he’d have to go negotiate with the farmer to buy me… ok yeah I would absolutely hate that. But I know that’s not what any of us actually think or mean by it. I guess I see your point that that is what it’s rooted in, and I could see someone taking offense to that. I guess I also believe it’s ok to interpret things through a new/different lense. And I think it’s important to let women decide for themselves if this is a tradition they like or not, and what it means to them. 

    I hope my points make some sense as I’m not looking to change anyone’s mind here (I really don’t care that much either way) but was trying to understand your viewpoint of why blessing equals permission and there is no difference. 

    I’m curious, would it make a difference if my husband had told his own parents the same thing first? Like, “hey, I’m going to ask so-and-so to marry me” kind of thing. If I was the one who proposed, I would’ve 100% done that. But I think you could make the point that telling anyone ahead of time erases some of your own agency, and you could also argue that it lacks the historical problems of the husband asking the bride’s parents, and is therefore not problematic. I am just wondering if that changes anything in regards to your “man makes his own decisions but woman can’t” argument. I promise I am genuinely curious about your thoughts on this, and not trying to be combative.

    Post # 35
    Member
    437 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2019

    View original reply
    @j_jaye:  You’re right, and I think I did mention that in my post, that it was just him asking for advice and not us together. So I can see why that is different. I don’t really ask his family for advice much, unless it’s for a birthday surprise for him or something. So then would it change things if the couple asks together either before or afterwards? 

    I’m sorry, but I don’t really understand your last statement. I don’t feel I have an agenda, this was just what happened for us and why I didn’t feel bothered by it. I understand that the roots of this tradition are misogynistic, but I also feel things change over time- Christmas originated as a pagan holiday, but I would not assume someone celebrating Christmas today was “picking and choosing what is pagan to suit their own agenda”. Then again, maybe you’re right and that is what we do as a society- we argue that Christmas is not pagan because we don’t want to face that side of things. So I suppose you’re right? It’s an interesting point. 

    Couldn’t you argue that marriage itself has historically been extremely oppressive to women and was a way for men to buy access to women’s bodies and children? Should we be opposed to marriage on that basis? Genuinely curious how that is different.

    Post # 36
    Member
    564 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    @LittleFrenchBee:  my dad died before my husband had a chance to meet him. Before we got engaged he met up with my mom to show her the ring and get her blessing.

    I find it super annoying how many people on this site claim that it’s disrespectful, “I’m a grown ass woman”, bla bla when the guy wants to speak with the parents before proposing. I think we all know that no one is literally asking for permission, and there are a ton of traditions that are demeaning to women yet a lot of you still follow (ie dad walking bride down aisle and giving her away)

    Post # 37
    Member
    8426 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Hell no. I think it’s an antiquated and sexist tradition.

    Post # 38
    Member
    213 posts
    Helper bee

    He talked to both of my parents and it was more of a traditional formality instead of actually asking for permission. I think he announced his intenstions and asked for their blessing. I asked him to because I know it would mean a lot to them.

    Post # 39
    Member
    3298 posts
    Sugar bee

    So initially, no…husband proposed and had not asked my parents at that point. After the proposal he asked me if he should have asked my parents (we’d never talked about this before). I said I know they’d appreciate the gesture…so he called my mom and dad separately that day pretending he had not proposed yet and “asked” them for their blessing. Then we called them later that night to “announce” our engagement (even though it’d actually happened the day before). 

    I kinda love that it happened this way…my uber-traditional parents got to feel like they were respected, but ultimately I was asked first lol. #diplomacy

    I also appreciated that he asked both parents, not just my dad.

    Post # 40
    Member
    5 posts
    Newbee

    I am a strong believer that we should all chase our bliss and that no one tradition fits every family. I have tons of respect for people who want to embrace the tradition, even if it’s not for me. If securing permission (“Blessing”) is what both partners genuinely want, then I am happy for them. I do believe that blessing/permission are interchangeable… Because what are you going to do if they say no? In either case? If it’s not taken seriously then it’s just theater, doing it for the sake of doing it, or doing it for the tradition/expectation of it. Like wearing white or receiving a ring (both of which I did too!)

    But the part that always felt really disingenuous to me is when folks say “Oh no, it’s about joining families, we just want to give everyone a heads up, it’s not about gender or patriarchal norms.” Because did the woman (assuming a straight relationship) then turn around and do the same? Meaning: if you were the person who got proposed to, did you then turn around and ask your fiancé’s parents for a blessing to say “yes”? Why is it just about the woman’s family? 

    Post # 42
    Member
    648 posts
    Busy bee

    From my perspective as lesbian and advocate for equality for women in sport:

    Yes, I did speak to my future father-in-law as part of my proposal-planning: I asked for his blessing to propose to my now-fiancée. 

    It was an absolutely lovely moment for the two of us to bond through awkwardness and laughter, our mutual love for this girl; coffees steaming into the hazy spring sunrise.

    Post # 42
    Member
    535 posts
    Busy bee

    I voted yes, although it was a blessing and not permission. My dad is very traditional and this was super important to him, as well as important to me that my dad got that honor and respect. My sister died so it was important to my family to have some of those traditional parent roles in my wedding. I actually told my husband before he proposed that I wanted him to talk to my dad, I wanted my nails done, I wanted to be surprised, and I wanted a photo of the moment. I had already moved out and my dad obviously did not own me, but I think it’s just a nice and respect gesture to give them a heads up. 

    For those saying do you ask your parents permission for big life events. Not necessarily permission, but I absolutely would run it by my parents if I made a major life change. They were very involved in me buying my house and my car. If I got a job offer in another location for example, I would 1000% take my parents opinion to heart. They’d likely move with me where ever we went, as they want to be by their only grand child and most of our local family is dead. It’s common courtesy. No they don’t own me, but they raised me and paid for college and their opinion matters to me. I’m surprised and shocked at how many people here seem to care less about their parents… 

    And for everyone that said no way this is disgusting, who walked you down the aisle? I better not hear one single person say my dad walked me down the aisle if you think this tradition is gross, because they’re one in the same. Just curious genuinely. Again my dad was honored to walk me down the aisle as he had two daughters and one died so this was like… a major life moment he’d been dreaming and wishing about and I’m not about to take that away from him. I can be an independent woman and a daddy’s girl and still want to make him happy. 

    Post # 43
    Member
    236 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2019

    No my husband didnt. We were already living together so I guess there was no point? My dad loves him and he was ecstatic anyway. I would have thought it was cute. *Shrug* 

    Post # 44
    Member
    152 posts
    Blushing bee

    Ok I made a long post and it’s not showing anymore, but can’t repost bc it says it’s a duplicate. BF is asking for parents’ blessing this weekend. I’m not offended. Yes, I did insist we also tell his parents because I thought they’d be happy to know. And they were.

    Post # 45
    Member
    6296 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I am in a pretty traditional area, with a pretty traditional circle of friends…and I don’t know anyone whose spouse asked their dad for “permission”. I feel like unless you’re part of an uber religious group, this just isn’t a thing anymore. Blessing is certainly more likely, but of everyone I know it was more about a respect for the parents and having them be involved in a way.

    My husband did take my dad to lunch that day and let him know he’d be proposing that night. I wouldn’t really call it asking for a blessing…we’d been together over a decade at that point. And regarldess of what my dad said he’d still be proposing and I’d still be saying yes.  Still, DH is close with my dad already and I think it’s sweet – they talk and hang out without me anyway. I certainly was not my dad’s property, but we both love and respect him and it was just a matter of inclusion. My dad has a big mouth, so he couldn’t be trusted to know any earlier or he would have for sure ruined the surprise…haha.

    I’m not sure why people get so triggered over it. I’d like to think if your future partner knows you well, they’d know if it was a tradition you’d find endearing or one you don’t like…and it would be a non-issue. Why does it matter what other people do? 

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