(Closed) Poll – Did your SO get your father's permission to propose?

posted 7 months ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Did your SO get permission from parents'?

    Yes

    No

    Sort of (Explain)

    Other (Explain)

  • Post # 46
    Member
    1628 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2017 - A vineyard

    Permission is too strong a word for it because we would have married anyway had my dad been ass enough to say no blessing lol. But he did request my dad’s blessing because  my husband is old fashioned in some ways as well so at least asking was important to him. 

    Post # 47
    Member
    9137 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    My husband didn’t ask because he knew I’d kill him if he did. The only person he needed to ask was me! My dad (the least intimidating man on the planet) congratulated us and joked that he forgot to ask his permission and my husband said “she told me not to and I’m more afraid of her than you”. My dad laughed so hard and said “smart man – you’ll be great at marriage” bahahahaha

    Post # 48
    Member
    4540 posts
    Honey bee

    No, he didn’t.  We made the decision together to get engaged.  I didn’t talk to his father either.  

     

    Post # 49
    Member
    112 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: January 2023

    I’m not engaged yet but I would want my boyfriend to talk to my dad before proposing. Not to ask permission (I’m in my 30s and haven’t lived in my dad’s house for over a decade so that would be weird), but just to have a man-to-man talk where he formally states his intentions and gives my dad a chance to welcome him to the family. It’s mostly because I know my dad would like it– it’s been hard to keep in touch as much over the years but I love him and would want him to feel involved. 

    Plus there’s just something I like about having it drilled in to my future husband that my dad will always be there looking out for me.

    Post # 50
    Member
    112 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: January 2023

    View original reply
    @j_jaye:  I can’t think of anything more un-feminist than a woman bullying another woman for her decisions.

    Post # 52
    Member
    1058 posts
    Bumble bee

    Permission, blessing, opinion, just a big NO across the bar. We were both in our late twenties when we decided to get married, and didn’t feel that it was our parents’ place to have that kind of input on that kind of personal decision. Also, it’s not a thing in my family, I doubt even my grandmother consulted her parents before getting hitched. Also, we’d been together for over ten years at that point, so it wasn’t like they hadn’t been given the opportunity to object to the partnership a million times before. 

    When I was nineteen (when we started dating), I still felt beholden to my parents and did think it would be “sweet” or “romantic” for him to ask their blessing. And had we gotten married at nineteen….yeah I would have been expected to at least talk about my decision with my parents, as a courtesy (and they would probably objected pretty hard). But as I’ve gotten older I’ve come to regard the whole notion as just silly (at best—manipulative and controling at worst). Maybe it’s different for others, but in my case my partner and I have been together SO LONG that for my parents to “sit him down” and ask about his “intentions” seems laughable. 

    On Second Thought: I DO like the idea of my dad and my future husband going out for coffee and talking about how wonderful I am, I just don’t think that conversation has to end with my fiance “asking for my hand” 🙂 .

    Post # 53
    Member
    3090 posts
    Sugar bee

    View original reply
    @aeroforceone:  

    No one walked me down the aisle or “gave me away”.  I find that “tradition” equally distasteful.  

    Post # 54
    Member
    7936 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    my husband took my mom out for lunch and told him how much he loved me and that he was going to ask me to marry him soon.  my mom offered him my grandmother’s diamond.

    although DH and I had been discussing marriage and my mom already knew that was the plan.

    Post # 55
    Member
    1197 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    @honestjar456:  really? You can’t think of ANYTHING more unfeminist? For real? Your imagination really seems to leave a lot to be desired.

    Post # 56
    Member
    845 posts
    Busy bee

    My husband talked to both of my parents before he proposed, but it was more just to let them know since we were all on family holiday together. 

    Post # 57
    Member
    2657 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    View original reply
    @skuzzlebutt:  I think it’s perfectly acceptable to acknowledge generational differences without prescribing to them yourself. My husband didn’t ask for permission, but my parents appreciated him letting them know his intention to propose in advance, because they’re just traditional enough that it meant something to them to have the conversation. The only reason it wasn’t a joint conversation (I would happily have sat down with all of them for the “engagement and wedding is coming!” chat) is because he wanted to incorporate a family tradition and needed a bit more detail, and he wanted to be able to plan the proposal he had in mind without me knowing. 

    It was a nice blend of modern and traditional, and I don’t understand why it has to be so black and white, all or nothing. The proposal was a “surprise” that he planned on his own. I helped pick the diamond, he designed the ring with some inspiration I’d sent. He didn’t get down on one knee, but he did ask me to marry him. My dad walked me down the aisle, but he didn’t “give me away”. 

    People should do what’s meaningful to them and their families. This post is full of bees bashing other people’s meaningful moments. It’s tough to read, and my situation isn’t even fully traditional. 

    Post # 58
    Member
    36 posts
    Newbee

    I voted “sort of”. My husband brought some fruit and visited my parents. He informed them he was going to propose as well as the when/where. Blessing was given (not sure if it was asked for or not) but it was mostly just a formality and sign of respect. Both families were expecting it, and our families have also known each other for decades. 

    Post # 59
    Member
    210 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    My spouse wouldn’t have considered it. He knows I’m an autonomous adult. And my dad would have laughed and said “ask her!”. 

    We did go over to my parent’s house the night we got engaged to break the news. They were thrilled.

    Post # 60
    Member
    845 posts
    Busy bee

    Out of curiosity – did the people that are vehemently against it get walked down the aisle by their dad during the ceremony? I always found that public display of your father ‘giving you away’ more offensive than your spouse privately talking to your parents beforehand.

    I think they’re both dumb traditions, I just never hear people get in such an uproar about that one. 

    Post # 63
    Member
    564 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2022

    View original reply
    @LittleFrenchBee:  I responded “yes” but now that I read the other comments I would say “sort of” haha. I am absolutely a feminist and told my (now fiance) that he did not need to speak to my father in any way shape or form before proposing. With that being said, he knew that my other brothers in law all “asked /told” in advance and he didn’t want to appear disrespectful. He very casually told my father / asked for blessing (no idea how the convo went) but had my father brought up issues we absolutely would have moven forward regardless. To me, this tradition is similar to the father walking the bride down the aisle – not needed for ME and a tradition I do not agree with as a feminist, but if my dad makes a huge fuss I will probs allow it (or have both my mom & dad walk me down) and do it for him/them (my parents) but be clear that the language needs to change from “giving this daughter away” or whatever that bullshit is to something more modern…”these parents bless this marriage” or “these families join together” some shit & have his mom walk up too and all put our hands together or something before they all go sit down lol who knows…

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