POLL: Do you expect your children to be your caregiver in old age?

posted 2 months ago in Home
  • poll: Do you expect your children to be your sole caregiver(s) in your old age?
    Yes, I want to live with my children when I get older : (3 votes)
    2 %
    Yes, but I still want to live alone at my own home : (15 votes)
    10 %
    No, but I expect them to do some (~25%) of the care : (42 votes)
    27 %
    No, not at all : (97 votes)
    62 %
  • Post # 2
    Hostess
    12250 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    happiekrappie :  sadly a lot of people in assisted living have kids who don’t come to see them, so I don’t think that’s a great plan for everyone. I mean, hopefully it works out but it’s not a guarantee.

    I wouldn’t want to do that to my kids. Luckily, when my grandparents needed help we were able to hire help to come to their home and rotate among family members to check in on them. It’s too much for one person, IMO. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    1012 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    Nope. I hope I’m not too stubborn when I get old to resist moving to some sort of assisted living place. My grandma moved into one about a year ago after a health scare and she is having the time of her life. It’s like being in a college dorm 60+ years later. There’s meals and friends and activities- I used to call her and we’d chat for 45 minutes and now it’s like I can barely keep her on the phone for 10 before she has something to rush off to. 

    I imagine the assisted living/nursing homes 60 years from now will be stocked with video games/consoles and classic 90s movies. It’ll be a blast. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    1350 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    That’s not why I wanted to have kids. I can extrapolate how I feel to how my kiddo feels—Just as I don’t define myself solely as being my parents’ child, I can clearly see that while I may think of him as “my baby”, he doesn’t and will not think of himself solely as “camenae’s son”.  To him, I am the one whose identity revolves around HIM, and not the other way around. Kids are sooooooo self-absorbed lol. They’re definitely their own persons. 

    He’s a big big part of my life but he is not my entire life.  I was already having a full life for 30+ years before he came along and that person hasn’t disappeared.  So I definitely don’t expect and don’t want me and my husband to consume HIS entire life when we’re older.  

    We’re working our asses off, trying to build a college fund for him, saving for retirement. I would like to think that if my husband and I were truly destitute and our kiddo were in a position to help us out, then he would. But what if he’s not in a good spot either? It’s just safer to depend on oneself. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    9744 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2016

    no.. my grandparents saved a lot of money which allowed the family to hire 24/7 in-home care for them.. I mean we still visited them a ton (my aunt actually just lived the floor above them, and saw them daily!) but it really made it so family just *visited* rather than provided care–and also meant they didn’t have to provide any financial care for my grandparents.

    Similarly, my parents have saved up enough for their own 24/7 in home care when the time comes, again so my brother and I can provide them with emotional care, but not be financially burdened or need to move them in to our homes.  We may need to financially provide for my in laws, it’s unclear for now, but one set is easier to provide for than two–that’s for sure!

    Like my parents, I’d like to provide my son with the freedom to live without us as a burden, though I hope he loves us enough to care for us emotionally.  

    Post # 7
    Member
    4140 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    I think that’s a bit of a self centered reason to have children so that they can care for you when you age. (I mean no offense, it’s only an opinion that I hold) That’s naturally how things USUALLY flow, but not always.

    I saw that thread and I’m honestly unsure why I had my daughter. There was no reason other than I always wanted to have children.

    I shower her with love and attention (and too many stuffed animals) and my purpose now is to give her a life where she feels loved, safe, and secure. I’m giving her everything I never had (I’m not talking materialistic)

    It’s never crossed my mind that she will care for me when I’m old. I guess it would be awesome and I’m hopeful that she will want to care for us… more in a visit us a ton, not sole caregiver way… but that wasn’t even close to being on my radar when I got pregnant

    Post # 8
    Member
    5490 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    My grandparents were lucky enough to be independent and simply drop dead one day. I believe that’s the way most people would want to go – live to an old age, be mobile and independent and then suddenly have a massive stroke or heart attack or aneurysm while you’re making tea and die on the spot. Of course, no one can predict, but I hope to go the same way. I certainly would not expect to be cared for by my children, but I would know that I’d raised them a whole lot worse than I’d imagined if I were in assisted living and they never visited.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2156 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    echomomm :  oh my gawd.  I laughed out loud at your response but funny thing is my husband I would rather go like this too. No losing our bowels, wearing diapers, taking 100 medications,  being immobile,  not being able to hear or see. It’s not a life either of us would want to live. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    5321 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I helped to care for my grandfather who believed that putting a family member in assisted living/convalescent home was a sin and am now accompanying my mother on doctor visits, etc. There is no way my mother can ever live with me; she has no plan for future care so who knows what will happen.

    I did not have children as a long-term care insurance policy and I don’t expect them to take care of me. I hope they will care about me but I can’t imagine expecting them to make career and other life decisions based upon the burden of elder care. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    3847 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    No, I’m not comfortable putting that kind of stress and pressure on my kids. They’ll have families and responsibilities of their own. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    2156 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    Don’t have kids and we only want one but no we do not expect this. We’ve actually had this conversation and it bothers us personally that people have children specifically for this reason. I hate when the “well your parents took care of you so now you need to take care of them,” statement is thrown out. No child asked to be brought here so that’s unfair to them. Of course if you choose to have a child it’s YOUR responsibility. Your kid/s shouldn’t have to go through life waiting for you to bust out your arsenal of “you owe me this and I did that for you” etc. My mom did this to me and it’s absolutely toxic and wouldn’t create another human being and do this to them. We plan to set up our lives where we can pay for care kids or not if it comes to that. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    1423 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2018

    happiekrappie :  I think it’s horrible how these so many people (westerners?) who just leave their parents in a home and don’t come and visit, ever.  I understand you can’t visit as often when you live interstate or something, but never is just terrible. 

    I would be fine with my Future Mother-In-Law living with us if it was needed.  I would not be okay with being her nurse, such as showering, wiping, giving medication etc.  I think if gets to that stage then assisted living is for the best, however we would still visit as often as we could. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    8728 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Hard no. I’m convinced 90% of why my mom had me was just to take care of her in her old age (emotionally, financially, etc.) and that burden and guilt-tripping is something I will never put on my son. Nope nope nope.

    Post # 15
    Member
    3486 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2017

    No. I see how my brother treats my parents and wants nothing to do with them when they need help, and I know I will be the one who takes care of them into old age. I don’t want to have to rely on my child(ren) in my late years and hope to be independent for as long as posssible.

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