POLL: Do you expect your children to be your caregiver in old age?

posted 2 months ago in Home
  • poll: Do you expect your children to be your sole caregiver(s) in your old age?
    Yes, I want to live with my children when I get older : (3 votes)
    2 %
    Yes, but I still want to live alone at my own home : (15 votes)
    10 %
    No, but I expect them to do some (~25%) of the care : (42 votes)
    27 %
    No, not at all : (97 votes)
    62 %
  • Post # 46
    Member
    1548 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2017

    happiekrappie :  Interesting thread!

    I do think some people expect their children to care for them. But the reality is that most people work, and in the US, most people are overworked and stressed. 

    It’s also worth noting that just because you have children, doesn’t mean you’ll have a great relationship or that they’ll be in town to take care of you. My grandma has 3 daughters (one of which is my mom). My mom and my one aunt do 100% everything for my grandma. She was just put in assisted living and they visit her everyday, help her with errands, etc. Her other daughter is out of town and doesn’t even call my grandma. It enfuriates me. 

    I don’t have my own children yet. However, I know one day I would be more than happy to have my parents move in with me if they wanted to. I live in California but I’m from the midwest and I could never be that far from my parents if they weren’t doing well, needed help, etc. 

    Post # 47
    Member
    211 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2018

    My only goal is to love them well enough that when I am in a nursing home they will pay for a private room for me! Hopefully by that time private rooms will be industry standard and I won’t have to worry about it!

    Post # 48
    Member
    909 posts
    Busy bee

    j_jaye :  I feel you!! I had to get my grandparents declared unfit in order to sell their home, which took six months. Meanwhile I had to take out a line of credit to cover the $6,500 per month bill from the nursing home that took TWO bloody years to get them into. They are in homes two hours apart due to the lack of space, it is horrific. They were both seemingly perfectly capable of living at home until a small accident (grandmother), and illness (grandfather) hit them. Overnight it seems they needed urgent round the clock care and there was little to no assistance from anyone. If I hadn’t have stepped in and given the time intensive care they required, I’m scared to think about what would have happened to them. The system is so broken when it comes to our elderly that no amount of planning matters anymore, it’s very sad.

    Post # 49
    Member
    392 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    My husband and I are going to have to be (and already have been whenever she’s been ill his mom drops by to visit but doesn’t put in any effort for actual care and leaves pretty quickly bc she starts fighting with her mom) the main care givers to his grandmother because nobody else will. Then we’re going to have to be the main care givers to his mother because nobody else will. We will take care of eachother on our own as long as we can then we’ll get in home help. When it becomes to much for in home hired help we’ll check ourselves I to a home. I’m not passing this crap onto my kids. Kids are not people you create for you to benefit from later, I’m not continuing his family’s cycle. My parents feel the same way I do as they are the sole care givers for my grandma.

    Post # 50
    Member
    10511 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    I certainly hope to be in the position never to be a burden to my kids, but just because someone can afford in home care or assisted living, does not mean that oversight or supervision may not eventually become necessary when it comes to finances, health care, home care and bills. 

    In the best of situations, family is there if and when and if that day comes. In the worst, there’s nobody.

    Post # 51
    Member
    180 posts
    Blushing bee

    longtobee :   you are expecting your kids to pay for your nursing home???

    Post # 52
    Member
    1095 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2019

    I don’t expect that from my future children, no. As a child of a disabled parent, yes I care for them as much as I can but not as a fulltime care giver. I do feel that it is expected of me despite being one of three kids. I would never not do it, but I wish things were different.  I don’t want that put on my kids.

    Post # 53
    Member
    401 posts
    Helper bee

    I think there’s a difference between “not wanting to be lonely in old age” vs expecting a level of care.

    My parents have zero expectations of care and they’re wealthy enough to check themselves into a retirement village whenever they want but there is the expectation that we (brother and I) will visit and spend time with them etc. 

    Post # 54
    Member
    945 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2018

    I’d never leave my parents or in laws in a resthome (unless we had no choice) and I’d expect the same of my future kids. Rest homes are horrid places. 

    DHs  grandma just went into a rest home at aged 100. I kid you not. Before that she was in her own home with a lot of support. So many people in these homes don’t get visitors.  One poor lady is nearly 90 and was dumped by her family in the home at 70 🤨

    Post # 55
    Member
    497 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    No, absolutely not. I’m putting lots of money away to be used when I’m old and can’t care for myself. My mum did a fair bit of care work for family members but has always made it clear that she doesn’t want us to do that for her when the time comes. I’ve tried to convince her to move to a care home in my city (where she lived when she was young) once she gets frail, but she is adamant she won’t. To be fair though, she’s a bit of a loner, so she is quite happy not seeing us for months on end.

    Post # 57
    Member
    623 posts
    Busy bee

    I agree with PP, I wouldn’t *expect* it from my children, but I would really hope they will. We’re a family unit and love and care should be spread all around…I also hope my children would help each other out when needed…not because “I scratch your back, you scratch mine” sorta thing…but because they love each other and family should always be there to support you. I think it’s rather sad that family unity seems to be a dying passion in the US. I’ll certainly take care of my parents, after all they’ve done for me I’d be honored to return the same love. 

    Post # 59
    Member
    1276 posts
    Bumble bee

    Hell no, my husband and I are already planning for our future so that we are not a burden on our future offspring.

    Post # 60
    Member
    365 posts
    Helper bee

    morgan83 :   I feel like kids don’t show enough appreciation sometimes for all that we do.

    It’s difficult to show appreciation when your mother casually breezes onto a wedding forum asking for advice on how to abandon you.

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