Post # 31
I don’t think I’d want to choose, even if I had a preference. I can imagine myself second guessing my decision and worrying about making the “wrong” choice if I decided, or worrying that “stipulating” any properties that my child should have (other than health) is somehow imposing my preferences on them wrongly. I think there’s some relief to be had in surrendering to randomness, knowing that the result will be perfect either way – an opportunity for acceptance rather than control. But that’s just my intuitive feeling and I wouldn’t judge anyone who wanted to choose.
Post # 32
Excited To Bee : I want a happy, healthy baby, but would love a little boy. Fiance is definitley wanting a boy.
Post # 33
summerbride2016 : Your story sounds just like mine, I didn’t share it previously but a big part of it is that my mom passed away when I was 7. My sweet hubs thinks I would get a lot out of having a little girl since I’ve missed having a mom almost my entire life (or what I can remember). It’s even more difficult that we are going through IVF to remove the very thing that caused my mom to get cancer and die at 32. I also love about 8-10hrs from family, I will say that it’s hard BUT, it gets better after a while. My biggest suggestion would be to not fight it and hate it just because you’re frustrated with the situation. I did that and it took me longer to adjust. Feel free to PM me if you ever need someone to talk (or complain) to.
Post # 34
ajillity81 : Unfortunately I don’t have the luxury to not do PGS/PGD, as I could pass on a life threatening mutation. It doubles the cost of IVF, so I would be surprised if people are really electing to do it very often!
Good luck with FET #2!
Post # 35
Excited To Bee : I was thinking more about this last night and just wanted to give you one last thing to think about. I’m not trying to sway you one way or another on choosing the sex, however it might be something that you haven’t yet considered.
What happens if you get say, 4 embryos that come back “normal.” Now lets say that only 1 of those is the gender you prefer (girl). Hypothetically, you only have a 65% success rate of that embryo implanting and God forbid, still a high chance of a miscarriage and/or not resulting in a live birth. Statistics say that on average, only 30% of people succeed with their first transfer. What if it doesn’t survive a thaw? What if it doesn’t implant? What if something else happens?
Just another scenario to think about when considering if you want to select the sex. I know that if we had chosen, I personally would have a very, very difficult time knowing that our one shot at a girl did not work. Miscarriage is so emotionally painful, difficult, and you never really move on. I’m struggling enough as it is trying to feel connected to my current pregnancy after our losses and infertility…and we never even knew the sex of those babies. I can’t imagine the additional emotions that may come with knowing we may never have the girl (or boy) we always wanted.
Again, not trying to sway you one way or another. Just something I noticed hadn’t been mentioned and I think in this situation, may be something you want to think about.
Post # 36
OK, a few things I want to add:
1) odds are that you are likely to have more than one embryo. Odds are also that you might have “left overs”, so to speak. So whether you choose the sex or not, you will be “leaving some behind”.. I mean..that’s just part of how ivf works.
2) yes, of COURSE you just want a healthy baby. But infertility takes a lot away from people, and you have every right to still have a preference as to the sex.
3) I think you have very sound reasoning, and I think the idea of getting to experience the mother/daughter relationship that you didn’t get to have for so long is beautiful. But I don’t think that you should feel that you need to justify your choice either. Parenting is all about making a million decisions on behalf of your family….make the one that you think is right, and don’t let others make you second guess yourself.
AND GOOD LUCK!
Post # 37
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
I already felt like we were playing God by doing IVF. There’s no way that I would have wanted to know or make the choice anymore than we are already doing. We felt like leaving it up to the embryologist to choose the embryo to transfer left something up to fate.
Post # 38
Hmm that’s an interesting question.
Honestly I don’t think I really have a preference. I mean, if I had one child of one gender I’d prefer my next child was the opposite gender, and in that case I would choose. But I would never be able to choose for the first kid. Not because I’m against choosing, I just wouldn’t be able to make my mind up one way or the other lol.
Now, if my SO had a preference, I’d absolutely go along with that. I don’t have any issues with choosing the gender of that’s what someone has a preference.
Post # 39
saratiara2 : Thank you ❤️ I have a cousin I have confided in for this and she says it’s my “scientific consolation prize” for everything I’ve gone through and will have to go through because of lynch syndrome.
BeverlyGeese : You make a good point. In a similar conversation my Darling Husband brought up that for him it’s more of if we do the transfer and it doesn’t work out or doing two (which we will likely not do) and if we know it’s a girl/boy and then the boy makes it.. knowing the girl didn’t. Like you said, it makes it more “real” to talk about the sex versus just a healthy embryo. It may very well be easier to detach and just strongly hint my preference to the RE (only joking). I appreciate your thoughts, definitely something to consider. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for all of this but I’m sure I can’t even imagine how difficult it’s going to be. I’ve had a chemical pregnancy before and was so disappointed, I can’t imagine going through that after all of the emotions leading up to IVF. My RE says that I have a good shot though, considering all things, so FX.
Post # 40
Pregnancy scares me, it was the main reason I preached about not wanting kids. FH has been very thoughtful and loving about my worries and we are planning on having a kid or two in the far future. I really only want one kid, and I would want a boy, simply because FH wants to pass on his family’s name and bloodline in a boy. I’d adopt any girls after that because I personally always wanted one girlan d one boy
Post # 41
I used to want two boys….got a boy first and then a girl. And my girl is sooooo freaking aweesome (OMG…Beyond amazing) that I am relieved that I had her instead.
Post # 42
Excited To Bee : I would never choose, but my very slight preference is for a girl. I can’t explain why, because I am equally excited for a boy, but I think I just melt at the idea of Darling Husband with a little girl. Darling Husband wants a girl.
After my one year anniversary of struggling to get pregnant, I’d be absolutely blessed with either. It looks like Darling Husband and I may be starting IVF and, even if given the chance to select, we wouldn’t. I absolutely will not knock the ladies that do, but Darling Husband and I discussed this and we did not feel comfortable in making that call. We aren’t very religious, but we did feel like whatever “higher power” there is out in the universe (whether it be as basic as pH levels in my vagina) should decide that, not us.
Post # 43
wbparker : Interestingly, I am shocked that these things are not more possible than they are. As a child, I honestly thought that by this time we would be selecting our children’s attributes. Regardless, I still think it will happen in the future. I’ve seen Gattaca, and while I don’t see things happening to that extent, I do think that more parents than not will choose things for their children if it is easily possible. I certainly would. I realize many people are vehemently against it, but once it becomes more easily possible/available, I think more people would choose it than others might assume. Most people would love to be able to give their child every advantage possible, so I don’t see a lot of people turning it down once it becomes available. I do see people lying about it (like about plastic surgery, wanting people to think it’s all genetic), but not NOT doing it.
Post # 44
I did not go through IVF so my experience was very different, take or leave 🙂
I had a strong, strong preference for a girl. While pregnant I did struggle to connect with the idea that I was having a son. I promise that any potential disappointment/detachment 100% vanishes once you get to know YOUR child. Now that I have my son, it seems mind-boggling to think that once, a part of me wished for him to be any other person than who he is. I get that it’s hard to see this clearly before you actually meet the new human, but it’s something to keep in mind.
Also, I am very big on beating myself up (bad habit), and I think if I tried to select sex during a fertility treatment that ultimately did not work, I would cause myself a lot of undue emotional harm. (Again, I am not where you are, and I am trying to put myself in your shoes but I completely understand if you blow that part of my post off as uninformed or patronizing. No offense taken.)
Wishing you best of luck however you decide to proceed 🙂