Post # 16
I think it’s different when you don’t like your in laws and your SO understands and stands up for you and/or limits time spent with them vs when your SO takes their side and chooses them over you. You can’t help who your family is so as long as your SO is on “your side” I don’t think you should let the Future In-Laws determine if you marry someone.
Post # 17
ct2015 you have described my life. I LONGED for a Mother-In-Law with whom I could do things and have fun.
Mine threw rocks at DH’s car when we were going out, tried to turn his whole very sweet family against me and prayed that I’d fall out of a speeding car and die. Yes, she was truly sick, but that didn’t make my life one bit easier.
Post # 18
I love my in-laws. They have 3 boys and my husband is the first of the 3 to get married so I’m their first “daughter”. They always wanted to have a girl so they were very welcoming to me.
Post # 19
I absolutely adore my ILs! They are fabulous. We only see them maybe 4 times a year because we live super far away, but I loved them even when we lived closer. We both got lucky in the IL department, haha, though my parents are a good bit nuttier than my ILs!
Post # 20
Mine are dead now, but when alive, they weren’t that bad. Sure they did say stupid things, and my mother in law was way into conservative politics, but basically they were good people. My Father-In-Law drank too much, but so do a lot of people.
Marriage is a package deal. Moreso when you are older, but if you think you are getting only a husband when you get married, you will someday find out differently.
Post # 21
Also, another thing I wanted to add, is that while I was a bit ‘wary’ of Mother-In-Law from the beginning, and while there were a few red flags, she didn’t unleash the crazy until we got engaged, at which point we had been together over 5 years and I had a lot invested in the relationship. Had she been like she was then from the get-go, then I actually probably wouldn’t have continued the relationship to be honest. Not because I believe you’re marrying the family, but because it was the most stressful time of my life, and no way would I have put up with it in a new relationship.
Post # 22
Mine started out great, but slowly got worse. Now it’s challenging to be around them. I see the glimmer of hope that things might improve, but I won’t hold my breath. They’ve at least now started to acknowledge that I’m in the room, rather than ignoring me, which had been status quo for the past couple years.
Post # 23
The first time I met FI’s family, I felt so welcomed. As I was leaving, his grandmother asked me when I’d be coming home again. My family lived 12 hours away from them, so she was definitely calling their home my home. Fiance and I have been together 8 years, and I met his family very early on, so they’ve been there for graduations, birthdays, tragedies, etc. I considered them family years before we got engaged. I do feel for people who do not like their in-laws, and am very grateful to love mine.
Post # 24
I never believed that you marry the family, until my wedding day.
Post # 25
I like my Future Father-In-Law but not so keen on Future Mother-In-Law – she’s quite over bearing and used to having a lot of influence on SO. My parents pretty much let me get on with it so it’s weird for me to have someone trying yo influence my life so heavily.
Post # 26
i was fine with my future Father-In-Law until we started the house buying process. he’s an old-school realtor with some irritating and strong opions that are the opposite of what we are looking for. and his little quips about me being a princess who can’t handle anything less than “palatial” living get under my skin. it’s not even close to true, i just don’t want to buy some dump to live in now that will be a “great rental income down the road!”
I don’t see my future Father-In-Law that much, and aside from the home buying thing he’s pretty low key and pretty cool.
ETA: the extended family is WONDERFUL! i absolutely adore them.
Post # 27
Sometimes no matter how hard you try, your in-laws will continue to behave and treat you like shit. Sometimes the in-laws have personal problems who prevent them from having healthy relationships with the rest of the world. There isn’t a rule.
And I have to disagree with the “you marry the family” thing. You marry the person and you need to (at least) tolerate the family for the sake of your marriage, but some people can be worth marrying even if their families suck.
Post # 28
Future Father-In-Law and FSMIL (step mom) are fabulous. Their relationship is enviable and they’re really fun and spunky. They have a lovely home and welcome all their kids+OH’s+grandkids over all the time and everyone is happy to get together. They love wine and travel and we share lots of common interests, which helps. Future Father-In-Law and Fiance are like peas in a pod and are so cute together and FSMIL is adorable and has “granna” (grandmother) day with all the grandkids where they get new pjs and do projects and watch movies and are generally too cute for words. This year they each hand painted a plate and mug to use for Santa’s cookies/milk and watched Xmas movies and did color by number things. I definitely don’t want children, but seeing her interactions with her grand babies makes me realize how much other kids are missing out!
I spent Christmas with them without my Fiance (who was working overnight as a firefighter) and we all had a great time. They’re very inclusive and warm and make me feel welcomed and loved. Future Brother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law and their spouses and kids are also inclusive and so much fun to be around. They were raised (by Future Father-In-Law and FSMIL) to be really open and sweet to people and make everyone feel like family. FBIL’s best friend from school came over for Xmas with his wife and said “you know I’m like an adopted son in this family, so that makes you my new little sister.” The whole family is like this – and he’s not even actual family! There are 2 more ‘adopted brothers’ that I’m sure will think the same way.
Future Mother-In-Law and FSFIL are a little different. Future Mother-In-Law didn’t raise Fiance (FFIL did) so their relationship isnt typical mother-daughter but Future Mother-In-Law is very happy for us and regularly cries and tells me how she’s never seen Fiance this happy and thanks me. It’s sweet but a little odd. FSFIL is nice enough, too. They invite us to sporting events with them (as do Future Father-In-Law and FSMIL) and Future Mother-In-Law occasionally comes to visit, watch movies and spend the night with us (she lives about 45 min away). Future Sister-In-Law + spouse and new baby are all normalish. We don’t spend time together outside rare family gatherings though and it feels a little forced. I imagine this is how most people feel with their in-laws.
Our parents haven’t met each other, but I’m sure they be fine, as they share a number of commonalities: my mom and FSMIL/FFIL are of similar religiois upbringings, my dad and FSMIL/FFIL are all wine and cigar people, my dad and godfather and FMIL/FSFIL/FFIL are all former firefighters or police officers, all the parents are of similar political ideaology, etc.
My dad and godparents love my Fiance and she enjoys spending time with them – but of the two of us, my family are the nightmare in laws. I wish I could offer my Fiance the same welcoming extended family that I have with hers; unfortunately, my mom is cold and not particularly polite (uncharacteristic of her) to my Fiance, my sister is bizarre and jealous of me so she feels threatened by a new person joining the family and my grandmother’s religious beliefs and opposition to my Fiance means that she simply pretends it’s not happening. Oh, the joys of family 🙂
Post # 29
The only reason I ‘like’ my in-laws is because they’re never rude to me, and they are the parents of my husband. My Mother-In-Law is batshit crazy (and diagnosed bipolar to boot) but luckily my husband is aware of this, and I think that’s why it’s Ok for me – he always stands up for me and for us. I will say though, because of this, DH (and I) have had to work through a lot of issues as a result of his upbringing and subsequent conflict resolution (or lack therof). She has a tendency to smother but again luckily DH is fine with setting boundaries, and that makes it much easier. His parents are divorced, and his dad is pretty un-involved with our lives which makes me sad for DH but my parents are fantastic so I think he gets that father-figure influence from my dad. It’s my dad whom DH goes to with household/handyman/life questions, etc etc. As we’re married longer I’m realizing this sort of disinterest was probably common with his dad growing up because it doesn’t seem to bother him.
Oddly enough, for the longest time I had an issue with his aunt, but it’s finally become clear to me that she was the only stable parent-like influence in his life growing up and that’s why she acts as though she’s my Mother-In-Law and why he’s OK with it. DH wouldn’t stand for any disrespect of me, but for a while I wasn’t sure if he’d be willing to speak up to them, which was tough on our relationship. We’ve all kind of come to an understanding I think – they realize that I’m not going to be walked all over and I’m a strong woman and my husband is a grown man, and we’re a team. They overstep, I step back (and therefore husband steps back). It’s taken some time for me to come to grips with his aunt but now that I’m pregnant I think I’ve found my voice a bit more and have no problem voicing my opinion which it seems they respect to an extent. I also think this has made DH and I a more united front which in turn creates an unspoken boundary for them.
I always imagined I’d have this magical relationship with my in-laws, mainly because my brother does with his, and I actually consider his in-laws my family as well, but I’ve come to grips with the fact that DH’s family is kind of disfunctional and that won’t be the case. We have nothing in common and I come from a different background entirely but I’m grateful for the fact that we can respect each other despite it, and that it has nothing to do with the strength of DH and my relationship.
Post # 30
I’m so lucky! My Mother-In-Law treats me like her own daughter, and reminds DH how lucky he is all the time. I get better presents for Christmas than her own children, and certainly better than DH 🙂 . She makes cookies, especially the kind i like, and constantly sends them our way. I love taking her out to get craft supplies and to lunch. It didn’t start like this though, In the beginning it was a bit rough, it took over 2 years to understand each other, but she came around, and I forgave her. I’m very fortunate to have a family in the face of my Mother-In-Law, especially since my own dear mom lives in another country.