(Closed) Poll: Living together before marriage

posted 1 year ago in Home
  • poll: Live together first or get married first?
    Live together first! : (190 votes)
    81 %
    Married first! : (30 votes)
    13 %
    Undecided : (14 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 91
    Member
    799 posts
    Busy bee

    I do sort of get why if you had your own home you wouldn’t want to move in together before a big commitment is made, selling a house is hard work! Personally I didn’t see moving in together as a test drive, just a means to be closer than 200 miles away from him! We didn’t have anything when we moved in together, I was just shy of 19! I had just lost my management job due to company closure and he had just started his first job out of uni. We actually moved into his parents house when I found a new job close by, mainly because no one would rent to us! But 3 months at his parents house was torture, so we moved into a rented place and have saved as much as we could. We are now buying our first home! It’s taken nearly four years of saving to be able to get enough of a deposit, as a couple we have endured a lot; anorexia,  a few miscarriages including a late one, raising our daughter, redundancies, a job crisis, losing our first house, losing a beloved family member, crohns diagnosis and more. But each time we’ve come back stronger and more in love. If we hadn’t of moved in together it would have been virtually impossible to stay together, and we’ve learned something important… We need a dishwasher 😂! 

    Post # 92
    Member
    4509 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I usually don’t comment when someone else comment rubs me the wrong way, but did anyone else notice the gender equality problems with this statement?

    When a woman moves in, suddenly a man has someone to share the bills and the chores with. He has someone around most of the time that he can enjoy sex with. Dates are less frequent,  he doesnt have to make an effort to see her …  plan reasons to see her,  or bother to take her home.

    Why is it assumed that (1) the woman is moving in with the man instead of the reverse or them moving into a new place together and (2) that a woman does not get the same benefits as the man (or other woman) that they are now living with? As a women, I like having a partner to share chores and bills with and to have sex with…

    I know it’s petty, but I had to chime in here. Everyone talks about the benefits of having a wife… but if there are not equivalent benefits to having a husband (or live-in partner), I think you are dating the wrong type of guy.

    Post # 93
    Member
    9595 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    not till engagement. We still had 1.5 years of living together before the wedding incase some serious skeleton or incompatibiltiy emerged… but I didnt want to be stuck in the live-in-girlfriend thing. I didnt want to feel like I was constantly auditioning to get a ring. Wasnt about to give up my awesome apartment that I could afford on my own with out an intentional commitment to marry. 

    Post # 94
    Member
    118 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    We got engaged first, then moved together. Married a year later though.

    Post # 95
    Member
    911 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

    Our situation is a little different, but looking back, it’s what I believe really should be done. 

    When we started dating (Feb. 2014), my fiance had a 2-bedroom apartment with a roommate, and I lived at home. When I finally garnered up the courage to leave my parent’s house, I got a tiny studio that I could afford, and it was really fun to live alone. In August of 2015, FI’s roommate said that he bought a house (never previously mentioned it, didn’t tell Fiance he was looking, no mention during the closing…just “I bought a house so I’m out”.). This left Fiance with three decisions – take on the other half of the ridiculous rent (which he couldn’t afford), I take the other half of the ridiculous rent (which I couldn’t because I was in a lease at my apartment), or move into my STUDIO with me (he didn’t have a lease). 

    So, we lived from September to December 31st, 2015, in my teeny-tiny, 450 sq. foot studio apartment. While we were there, we looked at other apartments, which morphed into looking at houses. We spent New Year’s eve moving from the studio to our current 2-bedroom house (which is entirely in his name, by my request, but that’s a different point entirely – gonna make a post about that later today). I asked him to marry me this past June of 2018. So, we have been together 4.5+ years, lived together 2+ years. I would not have it any other way. 

    Among other things, I learned that when I am at my absolute WORST (3rd day makeup, no shower for 2 days, shitting my brains out/puking into the shower) he will be there with anti-nausea meds and sliced oranges. Those are not things you would normally learn about someone from dates, or even weekend trips. If I was over his house and started to get sick/not feel well, I would have left. If we were on a date, and I felt something horrible brewing, I would hve asked to be brought home, and dealt with it alone. He would never see the nitty-gritty of life – but you need to know all of those things to know who you are REALLY with.

    When you come into someone’s HOME, you see ALL of them. When you come back from a date/trip, you come home, take your bra off, take off your makeup and do “everything else”. I think it’s necessary to know what your SI’s “everything else” is, because that’s going to be half of your life. 

    Post # 96
    Member
    2823 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    MrsBuesleBee :  +1

    Engagement first then we lived together. As pp said the best of both worlds. If any signif skeletons came up, could still get out of it yet didn’t sacrifice  independence and my apartment to “audition” for *possible* wife….

    The problem is the *assumption* that living together is a precursor/ step toward marriage! Too often the other party is not seriously considering marriage at all, but thinking of convenience/ practicality/cost savings etc…. 

    Post # 97
    Member
    202 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    TBH I never really thought about this when I first moved in with my husband. We were 17 turning 18 when we met and became close friends. We moved in together and started dating a couple months later and never looked back. It wasn’t a trial before marriage thing since we were so young. We just wanted to be together all the time. We married at 25 and are now 29 with our second kid on the way. We have a very happy marriage. 

    That being said, now that i’m older and wiser (sort of), I don’t think I would ever marry someone before living together. You really don’t know a person until you see them all day every day. Even if you visit your SO often I feel it is not the same. All my friends and family live with their SO before marriage or even engagement. I don’t know anyone that hasn’t lived together before marriage. Maybe its a regional thing too. 

    Post # 98
    Member
    179 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    I would never ever marry someone I hadn’t lived with first. Seems way too risky to me. As another poster said, it’s super easy to hide bad/lazy/gross behaviors when you don’t live together and you only see one another a few times a week. Plus, when you only see each other a couple times a week or less, it’s really easy to be “on” every time you see your partner. I need to know my partner’s personality 100% before committing to marriage. 

    We moved in together after 1.5 years of dating. We’d already been ring shopping and talked about engagement. He was ready to propose but I’m younger than him so I wasn’t quite ready yet. We got engaged about a 1.5 years later. This was the perfect way to do it for us. I knew he was the man I wanted to marry, I wasn’t taking him for a test drive, but I did want to know him 1000% before putting a ring on my finger and committing to forever. I just think it’s the smart move personally. I know people who have moved in together and broken up because they saw other sides that were very unattractive. I also know people who married without living together and then divorced once they learned other sides of their partner’s personality. I also think that living together is an adjustment period. There is a flow you have to get into, and there are things you learn that you won’t like. For me, I’d never want to go through that adjustment period as a newlywed. I like that we worked out all our kinks before marriage, but that’s just me.

    I understand people not wanting to live together before marriage for religious reasons. What I don’t get is people who don’t live on their own at ALL before marriage. Going from your parents house to your husband’s house is even more wild to me than not wanting to live together before marriage. I don’t personally know anyone who’s ever done that.

    Post # 99
    Member
    2510 posts
    Sugar bee

    My husband and I moved in together before engagement or marriage, but not before having a timeline talk and agreeing that we wanted to get married and would get engaged within a year of move-in assuming no major surprises came up. That was a compromise because I had lived with exes before and wasn’t eager to move in before engagement, but he had never lived with anyone and felt like it was important to make sure we lived together well before getting engaged. We moved in together at 8 months and he proposed 4 months later once we’d been dating just over a year, so moving in together definitiely didn’t slow anything down. If anything, he said that he was trying to be cautious and felt like it was smart to try living together first, but once we moved in together he knew for certain that he never wanted to be apart and couldn’t wait to propose.

    That said, having lived with a total of 3 romantic partners, I can say I’d be fine never having done so before engagement at least. Breaking up while living together and having merged lives really really sucks, and once you cohabit it can be easier to let a bad relationships drag on for convenience and inertia. For those reasons, I wouldn’t really recommend moving in with anyone you’re not already pretty damn certain about. 

    Post # 100
    Member
    382 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: Aspen, CO

    I wanted to be a “good girl” who didn’t live with a man before marriage so I didn’t live with my boyfriend turned fiancé before we married. For me, it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. When we married and moved in together I discovered he had horrible OCD and was crazy. He would yell at me if the toilet paper was turned the “wrong” way or if the towels weren’t folded just right. He would lose his mind if the meal I made varied from the recipe at all. I also was unaware of how incredibly imeshed hebwas with his family (his mother showed to our house at 9:00 pm unannounced regularly.)  After we divorced I vowed I’d always live with someone for at least 6 months before getting married.   

    Post # 101
    Hostess
    3175 posts
    Sugar bee

    This thread seems to have run its course. Open discussion is always welcome, as long as everyone remembers that this is an inclusive community, and it’s easy to get your point across without insulting others. 

    The topic ‘Poll: Living together before marriage’ is closed to new replies.

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