(Closed) Settle the debate – do guests get thank you cards just for attending?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Do guests get thank you cards for just coming to the wedding if they don't bring a gift?

    Yes

    No

    Other -- I'll explain below.

  • Post # 62
    Member
    112 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    We had a destination wedding so we thanked everyone that came out since it was such a journey.

    Post # 63
    Member
    375 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    When I’ve been invited to people’s homes for dinner or holidays, I often have sent a thank you card to them for hosting me, especially if it is something special or I stay overnight. When I have brought a gift for a graduation or birthday, they’ve sent a thank you card to me. We always verbally thanked each other, too.

    If you want to send a thank you card to all guests, it’s a lovely gesture, but isn’t required. 

     

    Post # 64
    Member
    738 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I think a general “Thank you for helping to make our wedding day so special” is a nice thought for everyone that attends. I’d hate for someone to say, “did you see thier cute thank you card yet?” to someone that may not have been sent one because they didn’t give a gift. 

    Post # 65
    Member
    1468 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    View original reply
    @chouette:  agreee!!!!!

    Post # 66
    Member
    73 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    No matter where I have my wedding, at least half of the guests will have to travel hundreds of miles, stay in a hotel, etc., so they’ll be spending quite a bit of money, time, and effort even without buying a gift. So I’m definitely planning to send thank you cards on top of “thanking” them with the reception.

     

    Post # 67
    Member
    668 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    The reception IS the thank you for guests attending the ceremony. Another thank you is redundant. You only need to send a thank you note for a gift (physiclal or cash), not for simply attending.

    Post # 68
    Member
    2143 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    In my region, yes. 

    Post # 70
    Member
    7365 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    The reception is the thank you. Thank you cards are for those that give gifts.

    Post # 71
    Member
    1692 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    @ksus07 said:  “Personally? I don’t think it matters – maybe it’s a personal preference thing.

    For the etiquette-conscious? Yeah, probably should send them out.”

     

    With which I will quibble. It is indeed a personal preference thing; and sending sincere original social notes at any time is something etiquette supports. But those who are truly formally, traditionally etiquette-conscious, should be aware that thank-you notes after an entertainment properly flow from guest to host; and no-one should be putting tired and un-etiquette-savvy brides under a false obligation to send unnecessary notes-of-obligation.

    Those who argue that “it is always nice to receive mail” and that “I feel truly grateful for their attention” can dash to their writing desks right now, and send off a few unobligatory witty original notes of gratitude to any of the probably numerous people to whom they have cause to feel grateful over their lives, and help recreate the old norm of frequent social missives and freely expressed written thanks, and etiquette will be grateful for their voluntary and gracious contribution to holding back the fall of civilization.

    Post # 72
    Member
    367 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    View original reply
    @AB Bride:  Money is a gift.. I thought everybody gives something!! How can people come and eat drink and do not bring anything?? I might be unaware of the customes, but from where I am from, people just give money.

     

     

     

    Post # 73
    Member
    10635 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    View original reply
    @inspiration86:  It happened at my wedding.  Some people gave nothing, no card, no cash, no gift.  They were local and I didn’t send a thank you card.  They did get chocolates as a favour, and thank you was written on the box.

    Post # 74
    Member
    2512 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I have honestly never heard of sending thankyou cards to guests simply for attending. I guess it’s just one of those things and depends on your family and where you grew up. I’ve never known anyone that did this.

    Post # 75
    Member
    367 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    View original reply
    @AB Bride:  Wow, that us interesting.. And you are sure they attended the wedding, because you saw them? It is kinda rude to show up and not bring anything… Even $10 is better, it is still less than the food you eat and drinks you drink.

    I think you did right thing – they got a favor.

    Depending how much thank you cards cost plus the stamp.. I still think it is super cheap to just send to everyone. (I could be wrong, just started planning wedding) and I did not go to many weddings. I like this forum is a very educating place.

    Post # 76
    Member
    1692 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    @inspiration86:  Actually, in some social circles, notably old-world English and colonial families, giving a gift of money is considered insulting. The idea is that the hosts are honoured to have guests and provide the food and drinks out of a spirit of generosity. By thinking in terms of paying a gift that covers the food and drink, you are rejecting their generosity.

    In those circles, all gifts are sent discretely to the bride’s home. Gifts are sent by people who want to give the couple a gift — they are not supposed to be linked to whether the gift-giver gets anything in return. It is improper to bring a gift to a formal party and if peole do bring gifts, the host whisks the gift discretely away to some private closet or under the skirt of a table, so that other guests do not see it and get the feeling that they are being “shown up”. Gifts are always optional, and formal hostesses in our circle go out of their way to make sure no guest feels obligated to give a gift.

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