(Closed) Settle the debate – do guests get thank you cards just for attending?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Do guests get thank you cards for just coming to the wedding if they don't bring a gift?

    Yes

    No

    Other -- I'll explain below.

  • Post # 92
    Member
    1065 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    View original reply
    @lina010:  “I will propably put “Thank you for coming” tags on the favors so everyone who attended.” That’s a good idea, especially for a big wedding.

    Post # 93
    Member
    2624 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Duplicate Post

    Post # 94
    Member
    4464 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    In case you want to know about regions when people respond, I’m from the U.S. and live on the east coast. I did not (and don’t think someone should) send thank you cards just for attending. Firstly, it’s always been my belief that the reception is the thank you for the guests who are invited. They come watch you get married and then you throw a party with refreshmens and entertainment (like dancing) to say thank you. While nowadays the party is technically just as much for the bride and groom (since most couples want that moment for themselves), it’s also supposed to be about guest comfort and enjoyment. Secondly, and I didn’t think of this before joining wb but it kinda makes sense, a guest might feel like the bride and groom are sort of throwing it in their face that they didn’t send a gift, and hinting that they should’ve. I totally see how it could get read like that by some guests. 

    Post # 96
    Member
    3764 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    I have never gotten a card for simply attending, then again I have always taken a gift. I’ve never heard of giving thank you cards for attendence until the bee. I did not send thank you cards to every guest that attended.

    ETA: I had almost 250 guests, some of which came to the ceremony only, some went to the reception only, some to both, and I know for a fact that not all signed the guestbook. How am I supposed to send every attendee a card?

    Post # 97
    Member
    669 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    My question is… has anyone on the bee EVER attended a wedding and not given a gift?  It’s bizzare to me.  We have a few pp who we haven’t gotten a gift from and I am actually worried it got misplaced at the venue, because I’ve never heard of not bringing a gift.  (unless you are in the wedding… travelled far to come- special circumstances). 

    Anyone who hasn’t brought a gift- can you share why you didn’t??

    Post # 98
    Member
    2899 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I’m not writing thank you notes for local guests who attended and didn’t bring a gift only because I don’t want them to think that I’m trying to nudge them into sending a gift or point out their lack of gift. I’m worried that people might take it that way.

    I’m still debating whether or not to send thank yous to a few guests who traveled and didn’t bring gifts. (One was a groomsman and one was a very close friend from college.) I am truly appreciative that they took the time, money and effort to be there and I would really like to say thanks! But I’m also a little worried for the same reasons as above – I hope they don’t think I’m making a statement of some sort about not getting a tangible gift. 

    Post # 99
    Member
    9680 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I would send a thank you card no matter what, but my family is big on thank you cards. It’s how we were raised.

    Someone came to share in your day? The least you can do is write a thank you card.

    Post # 100
    Member
    123 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I’m from Canada and I will be thanking everyone who attends. I’m pretty sure this is standard for most people here… I could be wrong! 

    Post # 101
    Member
    400 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I think it just depends on what is the norm with your area/friends/family, and the circumstanes of your wedding.  For me, I see the reception with the 3 course meal, live band, free booze all night as the thank you.  The letters will be saying ‘thank you for the blender’ etc. But if I had a Destination Wedding I would thank everyone since it would be so expensive to come. 

    Post # 102
    Member
    1416 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I just feel like people took the time to come, you don’t know what their financial situation is, or if they had to spend money to come, or whatever, it takes like…5 seconds to write a card saying “Thanks so much for spending our special day with us! Love, Couple”, better off being nice and doing it than not.

    Post # 103
    Member
    1692 posts
    Bumble bee

    I completely agree that written notes are so rare nowadays, and gratitude so often lacking, that it seems a shame to discourage anyone who wants to write notes. May I make one request, on behalf of civilization, and in the hope of perpetuating the little graces of daily life?

    If you are one who argues “whatever, it takes like…5 seconds to write a card” or “The least you can do is write a thank you card”, or “how much time does it really take to write thank you notes?” — would you commit, based on the self-same arguments, to alsowriting thank-you notes to your hostess after you have enjoyed her hospitality, whether at a wedding party or a private dinner or any other time when you have been a hosted guest? I am not in the least opposed to brides’ writing unnecessary thank-you notes when they are motivated by a spirit of generosity and gratitude; but I really hate to think that we are encouraging guests to see good companionship in a carefully crafted pleasant environment accompanied by food, drink, music and dancing — as some tiresome burden for which they have no reason to be grateful themselves. In keeping with the spirit of “if you’re not sure what you want to do, err on the side of caution” can we encourage guests to be just a little unsure of their entitlement?

    Post # 104
    Member
    2466 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Well it goes both ways…. on one hand I do believe our ceremony is the event we are asking them to come share… the reception in my mind is the $35,000 party we are treating our guests to as a thank you for coming with a fully open bar of top shelf booze, passed appies in cocktail hour, a 6 course meal, and insane late night buffet.

    My first thought is they should be thanking me lol!! BUT…that is not how it works I know this and am being cheeky lol. I do understand they are taking time to come to our event. If someone doesnt give a gift I really dont mind and I will still thank them in person for coming…if someone just gives a card (empty) I will still send a thank you note….

    but I will be honest if theres NOTHING I mean not even an empty card?? thats rude lazyness and I will not send a thank you note. I spend a year and a half planning this amazing party and spend like 150 bucks a head for you (plus a date) and you cant bother to stop and get a dollar store card?? …no…I wont waste another dime “thanking” you for being there. I know people have diff financial situations but I’d like someone to explain to me how someone “cant afford” a 0.50 card from dollarama but they can pay for the gas for their car to get to my reception and the gas or cab ride home after drinking for free all night….thats all im sayin lol…. (eyebrow raise)

    Post # 105
    Member
    10635 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    View original reply
    @sunshinebee:  You should start another thread!  I would be curious to see if anyone responds.

    Post # 106
    Member
    669 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    View original reply
    @AB Bride:  LOL I probably should!  I was thinking about this more… here we brides are banging our heads against a wall whether or not it is rude to send a thank you note without a gift, or rude NOT to send a note…. In my mind it is RUDE to show up to a wedding without a gift! 

    I have never showed up to a shower or a wedding without a gift.  To be honest, I almost always bring a bottle of wine or an appetizer when invited to dinner at a friend’s home, I can’t imagine not buying a present.  Anyone else?

     

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