Post # 1
I made a post earlier about what to gift my mom, Mother-In-Law and DH’s grandma, and got great answers (thanks!). However there was a comment that got me wondering if maybe I am in the “wrong” for assuming the responsability of choosing and gifting his Mother-In-Law and grandmother.
I say assuming the responsability because, if it was his choice we would not gift them anything. He is just not the kind of person who likes gifting other people (besides me). This has never bothered me, because I also don’t like gifting (or being gifted) unless it is for someone I feel like gifting to.
But, this year will be the first year we will spend Christmas eve with his parents as a married couple, which makes me nervous because: what if his mom/grandmother give me something and I don’t have anything to give them back (so far, I have only been gifted twice in the 8 years we have been together -and I usually gift them with homemade desserts and/or jewelry/accesories).
To be 100% honest, I don’t feel any strong duty to gift them and I would actually prefer to not worry about choosing something for them (yes, I know this makes me sound like a terrible person). I enjoy their company but I am not close to them, and Darling Husband doesn’t really care about gifting them. I know that the only things pushing me to gift them are: possible guilt, and etiquette (my mom would feel super embarrasdd if she found out I didn’t give them anything).
However, I know society expects me -the woman- to be up to the task of gifting my ILs. It irks me to see him so uninterested while I am pressured because “what if I look bad?”. He says he would also feel a little bit guilty, but not enough to make him “want” to buy a gift, and I know that if I don’t choose anything we will end up gift-empty.
I guess I was just wondering what you all think. Should I continue with my struggle of finding a nice, cheap present for Mother-In-Law and DH’s grandma? Or should I just stop caring since Darling Husband doesn’t care about gifting them anything?
Post # 2
Maybe just stick with baked goods, and force Darling Husband to help you make them so that you don’t feel solely responsible?
Post # 3
“However, I know society expects me -the woman- to be up to the task of gifting my ILs.”
Does it? I think you’re overthinking this. Bring cookies and call it a day.
Post # 4
funnyfox : “society expects me -the woman- to be up to the task of gifting my ILs” — No it doesn’t. Do it or don’t, but either way should be because it’s what works for you and your family, not because of anything you think society expects due to genitals.
Post # 5
I would just make cookies and call it a day.
If my husband wasn’t interested in giving his family gifts I wouldn’t be picking up his slack on that. I take his lead on how we deal with his family so if he says he doesn’t care about gifts then I wouldn’t see why I would need to.
Post # 6
i put my husband in charge of gifts for his parents. i mean, i try to help, but we’ve given them some nice gifts in the past that we (or at least I) have put a lot of thought into and they mostly go unused (or they don’t take care of them), so i’ve given up even trying. when it comes to the nieces and nephews it’s a little easier and we pick those out together.
i like the baked goods idea. you can’t go wrong with that.
Post # 7
funnyfox : You shouldn’t have to be the one in charge of buying gifts for your husbands immediate family but it just one of those things you’re going to buck up and have to do because hubby won’t. Make him wrap them and write the card so at least he had to do something to contribute…..
It’s his mother and grandmother and they are hosting you for Christmas. Its a nice gesture towards family relations and instead of thinking of it as a gift that you have to buy because hubby won’t, you can think of it as a small gift of gratitude for his mum and grandma for helping to raise and instill values that you cherish and appreciate in your hubby.
The other thing to consider would be how awkward you would feel all day if you rocked up empty handed and they gave you a lovely thoughtful gift and you had nothing to give in return. That feeling would not be worth it to me, especially if I didn’t get a gift for them solely to make the point to hubby that its his family and he should be the one one running around buying their presents and not me….
Post # 8
funnyfox : I purchase all the gifts for the inlaws. Darling Husband knows he should get everyone something but he hates shopping. I offered to take it on years ago and he gratefully accepted. I’m already finished for the season, I do all the shopping/baking/mailing during the first week of December. This year it took me about 3 hours to do all the online shopping and then a couple more for cookies (for his family and his office). I don’t mind so it all works out, he does a ton of stuff I don’t want to do.
ETA: Can’t believe so many people voted to “force” him to help choose, lol! really?!
Post # 9
I take the lead with gifts for my Mother-In-Law, but my husband is quite involved. This year, though, his idiot brother moved to the same town as their mom, so she is likely expecting that we buy for him as well. I cannot stand this man – and flat out told my husband that I will not have any thing to do with buying him something. If he wants to do it, that’s fine. He choose not too. I’m sure we will hear about it – but I don’t really care.
Post # 10
His family, his responsibility. I’ve never felt like society has told me that it’s my responsibility because I’m a woman.
If there’s any awkwardness if they gift and you and Darling Husband don’t, the person who should feel more awkward is Darling Husband. So if he’s fine with it, you should be too.
Post # 11
I agree with aussiemum1248. It’s his family he picks out the gifts. Then again, I’m not big on the whole “this is my role simply because I’m female”. He’s a grown up and should be plenty capable. Plus, he should know them better than I do.
Post # 12
If I bought a gift for my in-laws it would be from “me” not “us”. I think we just did cards though (current husband’s mum is dead and minimal contact with dad). It would never occur to me to buy gifts for his side on his behalf.
Post # 13
cmsgirl : Bringing gifts for a host is different to buying Christmas or birthday gifts for his family and signing the tags DS or DS & DDIL though.
When we are hosted by anyone, whichever one of us has time to go to the shops, gets fresh flowers/chocolates and good wine or Champagne to take with us. If we are staying over we’ll insist on taking them out for lunch or dinner at least once.
Post # 14
I’m a big believer in playing to your strengths, so I don’t get the whole ‘force home to be apart of it’ mentality.
Are you into gifts? Or good at picking them? If so then just pick up the slack and do it. I’m sure he does other things for you or your family.
Post # 15
I always do gifts for my family and his family, I have since we moved in together but I am an avid gift giver, I LOVE Christmas and wrapping presents, I save all year so when Christmas rolls around everyone, including myself gets a gift! That’s just the way My family has always done it, FI’s family don’t really do Christmas or birthdays very well, they seem to go to one place (last year it was the chemists) and get their presents. Fiance got a shaving set and I got a face care set, and a head band. It was pretty bad! I just love Christmas and I know I’m going to get something odd from that family but I gift them anyway because it’s the holidays and I love it, I’d say give whatever you want, now your married it’s from both of you, I’d give him a kick up the bum and remind him that