(Closed) Poll : What are you asking of your BM’s?

posted 12 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

The only thing I am asking my BMs to do is buy a dress that they pick in the color and general style that I want and to show up for the wedding.  They are from all over the world and while they are invited to showers and bachelorette parties, I don’t expect them to come to all/any of them or to throw me any type of party.

Post # 4
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

Good topic TallBride!


I am asking them to come to rehearsal+rehearsal dinner the day before, and show up a few hours before the wedding wearing the bm dress (that I bought them) and some sort of black strappy shoes. No pro hair/makeup unless they want it, cause I can’t afford to pay for them. 🙁


They offered to throw me a shower and a bachelorette, I said it’s up to them and it’s ok if that doesn’t come through since we’re all scattered across the country. The only condition I have is that it’s not costly for them or the guests. 🙂 

Post # 5
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I forgot about the rehearsal.  So, I am also asking my BMs to come to my rehearsal and then the rehearsal dinner.  I’m also planning a sleepover in the hotel the night before so we can be girly together and celebrate my last night of singledom.

Post # 6
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

My girls are also scattered all over the country, and because they have pretty high-powered jobs, and in some cases small children too, they don’t have the kind of leisure time that we all did when we were right out of college.  I asked them to pick out dresses in the general color scheme that I set, to coordinate such that the dresses generallyl went together, and to provide hours and hours worth of moral and design support via email in the wee hours of the morning, and via cell phone, mostly (as far as I could tell) when some or all of us were driving to and from airports (which happens almost daily).

They did a fantastic job with the dresses, managing to meet in odd locations on business travel to shop together, and doing a ton of mail order and return.

Other than that, the physical help that I requested was all the week and day of the wedding.  They were all able to take most of the week off (!) and spend it here.  They shuttled cars, helped keep my mom and dad occupied, tended to the various needs of out of town guests, ferried wedding essentials to (and from – after the event) our venue, and pretty much looked after my every need during the actual wedding – including many, many little plates of food, and glass after glass of seltzer with lime.  They also did a heroic job of socializing with the guests, which there were simply too many of for DH and I to be able to handle.  I have heard a great many comments from our guests after the fact about how much they enjoyed talking to all of them.

They also (with the help of various friends in various locations) threw me some really fun bachelorette parties, but I absolutely didn’t ask for that, knowing how busy they all are.  I actually didn’t ask for much, and so it’s just that much more fantastic that they all did so much, since it really wasn’t expected.

Post # 7
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’m asking them to pick a dress in the color and designer I chose (but they are all under $150-ish and there are lots of styles to choose from). We’re going to order online from House of Brides for the cheapest price, too.

They can pick their own shoes and accessories, and do whatever they want with hair/nails/makeup. I’ll make appointments for them if they want them, but they don’t have to (and it would be at their cost). They just need to smile for the photographer when the time comes.

I’m asking them to travel (most will be flying) to the wedding, and show up the day before for the rehearsal. We booked a very moderately priced hotel and if they want to stay somewhere else for less, they can. 

I’m not expecting to be thrown a shower or bachelorette party, but I think they are going to organize at least a bachelorette party, based on what I’ve been hearing through the grapevine.

Some are going to be able to arrive a few days before the wedding to help out with last-minute projects, and I am very grateful to them for that. Others will show up just before the rehearsal, which is fine. I’m going to need them to help keep me calm, since I’m going to be a stress-basket, but I don’t think they’re going to hold a grudge about it.

Other than that, if they cry a little during the ceremony to demonstrate how much they love me, I wouldn’t mind 😉 (JK!!!)

Post # 8
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

Each is purchasing a bridesmaids dress.  I told them a general color, but they ended up all liking the same dress.  They’ll all be at the rehersal dinner, and we’ll all crash together the night before the wedding.  (I’m guaranteed no sleep!)

Other than that, everything is voluntary.  One of my sisters is working on centerpieces with me, another sister volunteered to do the cupcakes and cake.  My sister wants to throw a bridal shower, though I never asked, I did throw one for her.  I have a bridesmaid in Seattle who is probably going to throw me a party too, although again, I never asked.

I have a very crafty bridesmaid who wants to help assemble centerpieces and place settings and my future SIL is sort of the de-facto Tahoe coordinator, as she lives there and has done this kind of work as part of her job.

The other two are guaranteed to keep me flush with alcohol and laughter.

In all, I couldn’t ask for a more helpful group of friends/bridesmaids… and I’ve tried to keep my expectations exceedingly low.

Post # 9
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Seems like what I’m asking is along the lines of what the PPs have said:

–They can pick any style Jim Hjelm dress in the same color and fabric. I’ve paid for anything over $150.

–They can pick their shoes, jewelry, etc.

–They can pay for their hair and makeup if they want it. They can do their hair however they want.

–They should be at the rehearsal the night before. 

They weren’t expected to throw me any showers, but I did want them to show up for the bachelorette that my Maid/Matron of Honor planned. But for one reason or another, they didn’t/couldn’t/wouldn’t. But I didn’t "expect" them to show up as BMs, it was just hurtful that they didn’t want to come hang out with me.

I haven’t asked them to do any wedding-planning tasks or DIY things though, and don’t plan on doing so.

Post # 10
42 posts
  • Wedding: August 2020

I decided not to have any bridesmaids…I am just going to have my best girls get ready with me at my mothers house on the day of the wedding!

Post # 11
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Each of my bridesmaids purchased a dress of their choice in the color Pool from David’s Bridal (all 4 are wearing different dresses). 

Each bridesmaid is also purchasing silver sandals of their choice.  My moh hosted the bridal shower at her house with the help of the other bm’s and my mom. 

3 of my 4 bm’s decided to pay to have their hair done.

They are all chipping in for a hotel room the night before the wedding (we got a 2 bedroom suite at the W).

All my bm’s and other friends chipped in to throw me a bachelorette (last night!!!).

My bm’s will be attending a spa day with me on 8/7 (my treat)

On 8/8 we are all getting our nails done –  each paying our own and my bm’s will attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner.

on 8/9 I get married!  They will be involved in all festivities, and my moh and her husband (on of our groomsmen) will drive my fh and I to the airport.  My moh will be in charge of taking my dress, shoes, veil, and other stuff for me.

In addition — my moh is helping me make my wedding favors and my escort cards.  One of my bm’s is a seamstress and she did the alterations on my wedding dress and the other bm dresses. One of my bm’s that is out of state is making chair signs for the ceremony. 

Other than a few hiccups, everything has gone smoothly and my bridesmaids have been more than helpful.  I’ve known two of my bm’s for over 15 years, one for over 10, and the other for 2.  We are pretty tight bunch and have always been there for eachother, so this is just par for the course.  The only "hiccups" have been with the bm I’ve only known for 2 years.

Post # 12
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

I am having eight bridesmaids, all in different stages of their lives {some have children and are married, others are still in college} and in different states. The possibility of a group of us meeting up to choose a dress was virtually impossible. So when I looked at wedding dresses with one of my cousins, we chose a black dress that we thought would flatter everyone. I had two stipulations–it had be less than $150 and have decent size straps so everyone could wear regular bras.

So my BMs are responsible for purchasing their dress and paying for alterations where they live. They can wear any silver or black {I haven’t decided yet} heel they want. Their hair can be up or down or whatever, their choice.

My aunts traditionally throw a shower and FI’s cousins are throwing me a shower in his state, so the BMs aren’t responsible for that {and to be honest, probably won’t be attending either of my showers}. Since everyone is spread out, I not be having an official bachelorette party. All of the BMs will be at the rehearsal and reherasal dinner. Since a lot of them are originally from the wedding location {and have children}, I’m not sure we’ll be having an overnight or anything. I am hoping that we can all get ready together at my aunts house, but I’m not positive.

So basically my bridesmaids are just standing up with me on the day…and that’s okay. I’m hoping one of them will help me with centerpieces that week and I have asked two friends {not bridesmaids} to oversee the decoration of the ballroom the morning of the wedding.

Post # 13
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I figured the cost of my four bridemaids’ dresses into the cost of the wedding. I couldn’t justify them paying for the dresses in a color I chose that they may never wear again. I just ask of them that they show up at the rehearsal and the wedding. Everything else is icing. It’s my wedding not theirs and they are doing me a big favor by taking time out of their busy schedules to be there.

Post # 14
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

Pretty much just show up?  Hahaha…..I like your topic – I assume its based off of a previous discussion thread ; )  I asked them to buy their dresses.  I shopped for months on my own, and showed them a million dresses, and they ended up choosing watters….if they didn’t care about that price, neither did I!  Then we went one day and ordered all their dresses.  Thats pretty much it.  They did throw me a shower, and I told them the bachelorette party was no necessary but they insisted.  Then there was the rehearsal, and then the wedding.  They kept asking me things throughout – what shoes should we wear, what should I do with my hair, nails, everything else….I was like, really, I don’t care!  Do what you want, just be there – I am going to be freaking out and will need you there – bring champagne and xanax ; )  I really think it matters who you have in your party.  Those who are really closest to you and who are real friends and family do these things because they want to, not because they feel obligated.  Thats the problem with the ones who complain about their bridesmaids, or the bridesmaids who complain about the brides.  They aren’t close enough, aren’t into all of it, not to say they don’t care, but they definitely care less.

Post # 15
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

My list:
-Buy a dress (I haven’t decided on what dress, but I am asking for their input / preferences)
-Wear own appropriate shoes (black)
-Wear own accessories to match
-Do own make-up/hair or get it done with me – their choice!
-Attend rehearsal
-Help with a couple easy DIYs – e.g. wrap up the sugared almond bonbonnieres (hopefully have fun, too!) .. I asked for them to help the week-end that is exactly two weeks before the wedding (and we’re 10 months to go to the wedding)
-Throw me a bachelorette (and I am unconcerned as to what and where it is – I don’t want any big trip to Vegas, but a fun time with my best friends)
-Throw or attend a shower (but if there’s more than one shower, than a gift is only required for the first one … no gift for subsecuent showers … and I would only like a token or small gift, and I have told them so).

It’s a long list, but I was clear and upfront with them about their expectations. I hope so, at least. I don’t want to become a burden on my friends! I love them!

Post # 16
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

Show up at the wedding wearing the dress I purchased. And once I found out that they were already planning my bachelorette, I requested that there be margaritas. That’s all. Everything else they are doing of their own free will, mainly because I think only having a shower because I forced people to throw me one would be worse than not having one at all.

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