(Closed) Poll : What are you asking of your BM’s?

posted 12 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 17
508 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

What I am expecting of my Maid/Matron of Honor:

– to show up on the day of the wedding, wearing a dress (she’ll pick it out and pay for it, but it is completely her choice and will likely be off the rack somewhere, as she doesn’t have to match anyone else and I made it clear that it should be something she wants to/is able to wear again)

– learn how to bustle my dress and help with this between the ceremony and reception 

– to attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner the day before 

– to attend the spa morning prior to the rehearsal (optional, my treat) 

What my fabulous Maid/Matron of Honor is actually doing (beyond the list above): 

– throwing a couples shower (potluck, at my request, to keep costs down)

– helping with wedding projects (I’ve been throwing crafting parties where I provide drinks and food and invite a close group of friends to craft – completely their choice to attend or not, no expectations)

– getting her hair done (again, completely optional – I didn’t think she’d want to do it, due to expense, but she wanted to, so I made all the appointments)

– staying at the inn with the rest of the wedding party and guests the night before the wedding (her choice, but I did pull strings to get her a reasonably cheap room for one night only, despite a 2-night minimum)

Overall, I’ve been completely blown away by the amount of love, support and willingness to help on the part of my Maid/Matron of Honor and other close friends.  I did not expect any help from anyone (other than my mom, who has been amazing), but when I found out people were interested, I have invited them to participate, always trying to make sure to feed them, make it fun and be flexible as possible. 

I’m the first one in our group to get married, so we’re all sorting this out as we go and so far, it’s going fairly  well. 


Post # 18
46 posts
  • Wedding: December 1969

My BMs are also all over the country so I’m asking them to:

-buy their own dresses (any shade of blue, knee-lengthish) 

-if they want, get their hair/makeup done (I’m not sure yet if I"m doing my own hair/makeup) 

-fly in the day before the wedding for rehearsal

-help on the day of the wedding (wrangle guests, help set up the tea ceremony, hold my stuff, keep me calm, make sure I’m not too shiny, make sure I don’t trip – I’m notoriously clumsy) 

-stay for the brunch the next day  

-talk to me, answer emails when I start to freak 

 That’s about it. As far as I know, there won’t be a bridal shower (I was a little sad about this, but am realizing that everyone is too scattered.  These are the girls I want up there with me on my wedding day- I understand that I get a day, not more than that).  I’m paying for their hotel the weekend of the wedding. 

Post # 19
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

My Maid/Matron of Honor (and sister) thre me a bridal shower.  I am asking my bridesmaids to be at the rehearsal, earlier if at all possible to put the final touches on set up.  Aside from that… eat, drink and be beautiful!  I want them to enjoy their night and celebrate with me.  Oh, and I asked my Maid/Matron of Honor to do a toast 🙂

Post # 20
47 posts
  • Wedding: October 2008

For showers, I think the bride should always specifically tell your bridesmaids not to get you any gift for the shower, even if its just a token gift or small gift as someone mentioned above.   They are already spending alot of money and time and will be getting you a wedding gift.   They will probably get you a shower gift anyway, but the gracious thing to do is tell them you don’t want gifts from them since they are giving the shower and/or serving as your bridesmaids.  That is just my opinion.

Post # 22
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I picked the dress & shoes (both in black)

They can do their own hair, nails, makeup (optional)

Show up for rehearsal dinner ( which I guess that’s too much to ask for some people)

Show up for the ceremony. (MOH has to be there sooner to help with some minor things)




Post # 23
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2006

Our wedding was 2 years ago (wow… time flies!) and I really couldn’t ask too much of 2 of my bridesmaids, as they were my younger sisters (15 & 17 at the time) except that they wear the dress chosen.  They were all able to choose their own silver shoes and accessories.  Hair was provided, easy as pie for them!

My Maid/Matron of Honor was a huge help… she purchased the dress everyone agreed on, wore any silver shoes she wanted, and I provided the hair stylist.  Since she studied floral design, she helped by doing all of my floral arrangements (Boquets, corsages and bouts) and made sure the program and flowergirl’s baskets were pretty.  She threw a shower (not required) and not one, but 2 bachelorette parties, also not required.  She went with me to pick up my dress to learn to tie the bustle, and then the morning of the wedding, went with me to pick up my cake and finish decorating the venue.  She was amazing during pictures, rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner, and just made the experience so much better.  

 I know this is getting long, but I think as long as a bride is upfront with her friends, and isn’t pushy, the more help the better.  And I was also a bridesmaid last year for a friend, and I WANTED to help and be a part of their day.   If you can’t commit to making this the best time of your friend’s lives, then maybe the best thing to do is decline when asked to be in the wedding party.  Just my two cents….

Post # 24
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Interesting thread!

I’m asking all of my BMs to do the following:
– Buy a bridesmaid dress in navy blue — I’m making the ultimate choice on style, but we are narrowing down the choices together. It’s very important to me that they end up buying a dress they can truly wear again.
– Buy or wear their own existing red shoes (This was something they all wanted to do)
– Wear their own accessories
– If schedule permits, attend any showers and the bachelorette party. We’re scattered all over the place (only one of my BMs live in the state I’m having the wedding) and I know a couple of them have prior professional commitments close to the week of the wedding, but they are being totally sweet in trying to wrangle as much time as they can to be there and with me the week of. But I’ve already told them to not go through too much trouble taking extra days off if they can’t.
– Attend the rehearsal and Rehearsal Dinner
– Help with some DIY projects week of the wedding if they are in town already
– Help with organizing transportation for guests — this might fall on my one in-town Bridesmaid or Best Man but she knows a lot of our guests…we all ran in the same circles and we’re used to organizing car pools from college!
– Be there on the day of the wedding and just have FUN! 🙂

What my Maid/Matron of Honor is doing beyond general Bridesmaid or Best Man expectations:
– Planning my bachelorette party and bridal shower
– Arranging music for my ceremony — she is a musical genius and wanted to contribute in this way for the wedding!

What I’ll be doing for my BMs:
– Pay for hair/makeup the day of wedding
– Organizing a spa day the day before the wedding
– Possibly more but I probably haven’t thought of it yet!

All in all, I feel really happy and blessed with how wedding things are shaping up with my bridal party…I seriously couldn’t have asked for better friends to be standing up with me and they are making planning a blast, even if we’re all in separate states! 

Post # 25
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

NorthCarolinabride2b … you’re right, that is the gracious thing to do. I also don’t expect wedding gifts from them (and will tell them as much). And to be honest, gifts are truly not important. I just want my closest friends to be standing up for me! 🙂

Post # 26
47 posts
  • Wedding: October 2008

You should definitely never use the words "required" and "gift" in the same sentance.   Your right Krista, the most important thing is having your closets friends with you for fun and support.    

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