Post # 1
Ok, I’ll be honest, I’m watching Dr Phil. The story today is of a man who has come to Dr Phil to get his ex to leave him and his new partner alone. Basically his ex was trying to convince his new FI to leave him because of the way he had treated her; beating her while holding their baby, breaking her nose by punching her in the face, then getting mad at her for bleeding on the floor and throwing her in the bathtub and spraying her with cold water. There were many other examples, all of which he admitted “Yes, I did do that… BUT” and then gave some crock and bull excuse as to why it was ‘justified’. He had told his new FI that he had some violent history with his ex, but she still decided to be with him. However, she did claim that he, of course, missed the seriousness of the violence, and put a lot of the blame on his ex.
This got me thinking, IF a guy I was dating that had the potential to become serious, admitted to me that he had a violent past with his ex, would I continue the relationship? I found myself shaking my head even just thinking about it. The answer being a resounding “NO”. Although I think because I was abused as a child, this moulded my answer. But then I started to think of it as being an adult, I know that domestic violence situations can be two sided, meaning both were out of line, but I would still need to hold him accountable for his actions nevertheless. I’d need to have confidence that he would be able to control himself, so I could feel safe around him.
So I bring the question to the Bee. Would you be involved with someone who had been violent with their ex? Why or why not?
Post # 3
Hell no. Men (pr women) with an established pattern of calculated, manipulative violence rarely change
Post # 4
Nope. I’ve never been abused and I would never. I was never even comfortable dating anyone who got into a real fistfight with another guy.
Post # 5
Not a chance in hell. The only possible exception would be if he had to get physical to save himself from an assault by his SO, and only if that physicality was limited to the extent needed to get away from the situation.
Post # 6
I watched that episode…. to me, the body of the body language of the new girlfriend was not good. In my opinion, some of her facial expressions and how she was acting showed evidence that he was allready starting abusive behaviour towards her.
She was squirming in her seat and avoiding eye contact from him when certain questions were asked or topics brought up. She was also showing signs of shutting down. As a person who has been in an abusive relaitonship you learn to read the signs of a person not telling the truth and sticking up for your abuser to avoid further ‘punishment’ later on.
That woman was in full self preserve mode. No doubt about it.
Post # 7
No. I was in an abusive relationship for 8yrs that I still have my issues with now. So I wouldn’t and couldn’t put myself in that position again. Luckily, I have a FI that is complete opposite and beats guys for a living, lol, but respects women to the fullest. And hates men, ahem… Cowards that abuse women in anyway.
Post # 8
@krayzay87: I saw that episode of Dr Phil and I have to say his new girlfriend was crazy. I mean that guy talked about wanting to murder her. It was crazy…
Anywho, no I wouldn’t be with someone who was aggressively abusive. My DH was with an ex that was abusive to him and he had to leave before the situation got out of hand. Plus, she started to cheat on him. He has a child with his ex and her new bf would drop off his son to us. The new bf talked about how she had started to exhibt the same abusive behavior to the new bf.
Post # 10
Well I would like to say no, but I don’t feel that I can do so honestly. When I was a teen I dated & was madly in love with a guy that I knew had a violent past. About 3 months after we started dating, I heard rumors about how he used to beat up on his ex-girlfriend. Because I actually knew the ex (we weren’t friends, but had crossed paths a few times), I asked her about their relationship. She confirmed that the rumors were true. I then confronted my then-boyfriend, and he admitted to it. At that time he promised he would never hit me. We were together for 3.5years, and we remained friends for several years after our break up. During our relationship he never hit me, not once. However, after we broke up I found out that he was not a changed man, because he was violent with his new girlfriend quite often. He was also violent with the girlfriend after that. For some reason our relationship never went there, but I’m honestly not sure why not. I completely cut ties with him just 2 years ago, because I couldn’t stand the way he treated other women. All of those years I tried to stay friends with him, I thought he just needed a positive influence. . . What the hell was I thinking???
Post # 11
@krayzay87: My answer is NO NO NO, HELL NO. It says something about the kind of person he is. I want a man who is a truly decent, nice human being who would NEVER EVEN THINK of harming a defenseless woman. That being said, I have been on both sides of this situation and it confuses me. I have been abused and I have been with a guy who never touched a hair on my head, but was seriously abusive to the girl he dated after me (I was close with his mother, she told me everything)
To this day I have no idea why he never physically harmed me, but totally tortured his next gf. I think maybe it was my attitude and he knew I wouldn’t put up with it (I always had the upper hand in that relationship because I was the one girl who didn’t want him, so he was always trying to keep me). But that doesn’t mean he was so nice to me either. He was a serial cheater, I suspect 7 girls, but I didn’t leave him until I finally caught him red-handed on the 7th girl. We didn’t live in the same town, it was easy for him to hide it from me. Anyway, it definitely spoke to the kind of man he was. He had NO respect for women.
Post # 12
No way. I would have a lot of trouble respecting a man who could treat someone like that. I could understand if and argument got heated and he accidentally hurt her while protecting himself ONCE. Any more than that and there are missing puzzle pieces that I dont care to find. If a man has the capacity to become physical with someone else they have the capacity to become physical with me and that’s not a risk I’m willing to take!
Post # 13
Absolutely no question about it. No way! I don’t think I could be with a person who can strike someone of a weaker physical ability. I am strong willed and strong minded but I am a tiny thing compared to a man. I would never allow myself to be that vulnerable. I would never feel comfortable leaving children with them either.
Post # 14
Hell no. I’ve been there and I don’t think they ever change. I feel sorry for the new partner of my Ex.
Post # 15
It would highly depend on the circumstances for me. All situations are two sided. It’s wrong to be violent but some people (not all) do learn from their mistakes and move on to have healthy relationships. He may treat you one way and treat the next completely different. It’s all situational IMO.
Post # 16
@lightmist: perhaps but don’t you think that’s HiGHLY unlikely? I heard only 1% of a users do.
my cop ex started to get physically abusive at the end(it was emotional before that, just as bad if not worse) his new girlfriend( now wife) best friend contacted me on Facebook to say she was concerned about her friend and my ex and if I could give her more insight on him, The friend said he was acting controlling and abusive to his new girlfriend and was worried…I don’t think he changed a bit