Post # 46
No I wouldn’t be offended.
It’s weird. It’s almost like i’m a grown woman with a job and can buy my own shit and therefore don’t need anyone else to buy me that ceramic swan i’ve been eyeing for atop the toilet. Nor do I equate my value to friends and family based on whether or not they can provide me with material things.
Post # 47
I feel the same way about thank yous . The couple who showed up to both reception and baby shower empty handed (who we always gave generously to) never sent thank yous for any of the gifts we gave them. And we have given gifts for all three kids, holidays, and their wedding. The bride would say, “my thank you is the party.” It always rubbed me the wrong way since DH and I always made sure to send thank you notes.
Post # 47
this is a good point. OP, maybe they gave gifts at the other wedding related events and thought they bought enough?
Post # 49
My fiance and I were actually having a conversation sort of about this. He brought up that his mother said that etiquette dictates that even if a guest doesn’t show up, if they were invited, then they are expected to give a gift. I have never heard that tradition, and it’s one that I am not a fan of. At the same time, I do try to send gifts to people I care about for all sorts of events whether I am there or not (birthday, big acheivments, christmas, I heard you had a bad day, this made me think of you, et cetera), and it’s something I’d most likely do. The aspect I don’t like is being told that I am obligated to do so. He also agreed. We like to celebrate our friends, but not because of a set of social rules.
This also lead into how we felt about our own wedding and receiving gifts. It’s strange because I have plenty of friends who have had extensive registries, and I have family who are telling us to do the same. However, he and I feel weird about it. We are asking our friends to travel to another country, and so we feel that anyone who comes is gifting us with their presence, and we need nothing more. Another thing is that we have everything we need for our home, we are financially secure, and just don’t need or want anyone to stress about a gift. If anyone doesn’t bring a gift or gives us five dollars or less in gifts regardless of their financial status, then so be it. It won’t change how we decided to give to our friends. I think that sometimes it’s hard to tell why people make the choices about the gifts they give, especially during a wedding, but I just don’t think I’d take it personally. Unless the card said something like, “you only deserve five dollars,” or something blatantly negative. Though, I don’t think anyone like that would be at my wedding.
tl;dr We don’t expect anyone to give us gifts at our wedding because it’s a destination thing, so maybe my opinion is skewed by that. I would still gift someone the same as I would whether they gave me an inexpensive gift or no gift at all. I love my close friends and family regardless of how they gift, and for my wedding, them just being there is enough.
Post # 50
All of this. I didn’t invite people to my wedding or baby shower because I thought “Oooh, Aunt Nancy is loaded, I’m sure I’ll get something good!” I invited them because I genuinely love them and want to celebrate exciting milestones with them.
Love or friendship are not demonstrated in gifts: it’s demonstrated in being there when the chips are down, and being someone I can enjoy the good and bad in life with.
Likewise, I love to give generous gifts. If that makes me a doormat, so be it. But if you are important enough for me to be a part of your life events, I want to celebrate by buying you a gift. Not because I have to, but because I honestly really want to.
Finally, I can’t believe it needs to be repeated, but you really don’t know other people’s situations. Unless you are their accountant you have NO CLUE how much money someone has or doesn’t have. Even the people you think have all the free money in the world may not.
Post # 51
Why is your guests’ responsability to cover the cost of a meal you are choosing to serve? They didn’t ask you to spend $200 a person, that was your call.
Post # 52
Meh, it would probably depend on who it was from. When I married my ex, we invited a coworker of mine and his wife. George was probably something like 80yrs old back then. I invited him because he was nice, and at the time it was a small office so I invited every one, plus spouses. George gave us the creamer that was on our registry. I think it was only like $10 or $15. George was known to do things that most people would roll their eyes at. Knowing him, we weren’t offended.
Now maybe it would be a different story if it was one of our close, well to do friends.
Post # 53
Well, $200 is pretty standard/inexpensive for New York City and it is appropriate in my family for wedding guests to try
and cover the cost of their whole plate. I realize that $200 is really high for dinner and drinks, which is why my hope
would be roughly half.
However if you read the rest of my post, you would see that I am not offended by how much the gift costs but by how impersonal it was. If a $5 candle holder (or as mama2bee71 recieved a $25 check) is all you can afford I would much rather the guest not give a gift at all and just spend 10 minutes writing a really lovely card.
Post # 54
I’m from a gifting culture and I hate a culture of gifting material stuff. I travel for almost EVERY wedding (too expensive to throw a wedding in NYC so my friends throw destination). I pay hundreds of dollars to go. My friends most of them have good lives. They don’t need more stuff. I gift in terms of time, emotional support, and yes I bring a material gift to the wedding but not extravagant.
THe people in my life who get the big gifts are people who are in need – the homeless, hungry, and down on their lives. They need it a lot more.
Conversely, I also said no gifts for my own wedding. And I honestly can’t remember who did or did not bring a gift.
Post # 55
Also living in the NYC area and I usually cover at least my plate, plus a shower gift. I find that to be normal around here. I’m not expecting huge cash gifts from everyone, but it seems like you buy something from the registry then bring a card with money to the reception. I would be offended. I don’t think I could attend a wedding with no gift or a card with a check that doesnt cover my plate. I also think it depends on where you live…
Post # 56
Thank you! I definitely think it could be a regional thing.
I guess if it were me, I would absolutely buy a shower gift off the registry and try to cover the cost of my meal. If I could not afford a gift and was close to the person getting married I would explain my situation to them and try to get them a gift within the year OR make a really personal, inexpensive gift. If I could not afford a gift and was not close to the person, I would not go to the wedding! I know etiquette says that even if you are invited to give a gift, but I would think of it as gifting them the $200 that they don’t have to pay for my meal.
Post # 57
I voted not offended by being given a cheap gift or no gift. You never know what’s going on in people’s lives behind closed doors – you may think that they aren’t struggling financially but they could be. If somebody attends my birthday, or baby shower, or wedding it’s their presence that I’m focused on – not the gift. I’ve been blessed enough that I have the means to pay for whatever I need / want (within reason that is…lol) so I don’t focus on receiving gifts.
HOWEVER, I do focus on cards – a card is required for nearly any event, no excuses. It costs 50 cents at the Dollar Tree for goodness sakes. If I was getting married and you couldn’t afford to purchase a gift, a heartfelt card would be just as appreciated. And thank you cards too! You wouldn’t imagine how many generous gifts we’ve given over the years and the receipient never even sent a thank you card in return. I judge that very harshly. Just thinking about it gets me upset…
Post # 58
As long as the people that care about me made the effort to make it to my wedding, I’m happy. Especially those that have to travel and find childcare and take days off work to be there for me. You don’t have to also get me a great gift for me to appreciate you being there. I’ve been in a financial bind before and had to spend a lot of money just to make it to a friend’s wedding, and could barely afford a couple of the cheaper things on their registry. They always appreciated it.
Post # 59
I think I’d likely notice, but whether it’d bother me would depend on the norm in our relationship and what I knew of the individuals circumstances at the time.
Post # 60
It would not bother me.
Future Mother-In-Law made a comment the other day; she has been pretty demanding with the guest list and wanted us to invite a bunch of rando family members, and NOT this one auntie. We see this auntie a ton, shes at every family function (shes his dads sister), but she’s not very well off. We are having a Destination Wedding and so Future Mother-In-Law thought she wouldn’t come. It was something like “Ugh if you want to invite her you can, but her gift is only going to be like $20”. I was so caught off guard by how rude that was! I told her, well, if she actually attends, she’s likely spending at least $500 between transport and hotel just to spend the day with us. I just cant imagine looking at your guests like an ATM and judging your relationship with them on how much cash they shell out.
I wouldn’t be offended if we got 0 gifts, or a $5 candle stick. Thats not why I’m inviting them.