Post # 1
Hello bees. Happy New Year!
The title says it all really- would you purchase a house together with someone before you were engaged or married to them? I’m sure this subject has been discussed many times before on here, but none of the similar boards jumped out to me, so I decide to get ahead and create my own (I hope it’s in a right place…)
Let me just say that my mind is made up with regards to what I’m planning on doing in my situation and I’m happy and comfortable with the order things are progressing in for me. I’m a firm believer in “one size doesn’t fit all” as well as “you need to do what is right for YOU” and so I’m curious about other bees’ reasoning behind their opinion on the matter. I’m also curious to see if other bees’ opinions will bring up something I haven’t considered.
BACKGROUND: I’m almost 29, my SO is 27 and we’ve been together for just over 2 years (living together for 1,5). I’ve always wanted to live with someone before getting engaged to them, but I never wanted to live with someone I wouldn’t want to eventually be engaged to (if that makes ANY sense?) We have an approximate timeline and seem to have fairly regular conversations about our future. I try to casually initiate those in a non-threating way every now and again just to make sure we are still on the same page. Overall, I haven’t got any reasons not to believe we are moving towards getting engaged in a year or two.
Purchasing our first house is our priority at the moment and we are hoping for it to happen the year after next. I would ideally like to get engaged right before or after it happens (we would have been together for 4 years by then and I will be 30). Just to clarify, we would be investing pretty much equal amount of savings each and would own the house together equally. Like I said before, getting married is important to me and I wouldn’t be purchasing a house with my SO if I wasn’t sure he was the “one”. However, having a ring on my finger beforehand is not a dealbraker for me in these circumstances. We will definitely have another conversation about when things will be happening before we start looking at houses though.
Ladies, what do you all think?
Post # 2
My fiancé and I live in a home currently that we found together before being engaged.
During the process, he wanted me to have my share in it and wanted my name on the documents as well. However, I really wasn’t comfortable with doing that until we were married. He deserves this house and if we had broken up before marriage…I would have no resentment about walking away from it. We can always add myself once married. We plan on moving in two years so I know the next house will be both of us anyhow.
So, personally I would not recommend buying a house together because if you break up…it’s a complicated process. Especially if one of you is keeping the house…the other could potentially be at risk if payments aren’t being made until they get sole ownership transferred over to the person staying. It’s something a lot of realtors have encountered. That’s just my personal opinion though. So just protect yourself and make sure you both know what you’re getting into.
I would like to add that I think the home buying process brought us closer. It really showed us how to get through tough situations together and gave me more appreciation for the person he is. I think if we had any doubts on how we function…they were eradicated after getting our home.
Post # 3
I would and did! We were both comfortable that we were in a committed relationship and in it for the long haul and purchasing a home was a priority for us. I know that for other people they need to be engaged or married to feel fully committed.
We didn’t have a set timeline for being engaged or getting married (although, now that I think of it, I knew that he did already have the ring at that point!). It had nothing to do with buying the house, but we got engaged a few months after we moved in and we were married less than a year later. It’s all worked out great!
I actually felt much better budgeting the wedding knowing that I wasn’t taking money away from savings that could be used for the house. We could afford to do both, but the more money the better for the house deposit, so I think I would have felt less comfortable making other large purchases. Again, it depends on each individual’s priorities.
I should note that I’m in Australia, so my SO and I already had all the legal rights of a married couple before buying the house.
Post # 4
I totally see both sides, ladies. Money is an important factor for us too. I’m a lot happier getting the biggest purchase (the house) out of the way and concentrating on the ring/wedding afterwards. If either of us didn’t have savings to invest into it, the other one would just have to go ahead and purchase the house alone and it would be theirs.
Post # 5
I did. We bought a house together before being engaged.
We were in a committed relationship of 4 years at that point. And we’re both grown ups so could have handled it if we had broken up
Post # 6
- Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo
I would always have said no, however I’m not engaged and the mortgage is arranged!
My bf has been so open about his intentions from the beginning and so obviously enthusiastic about his future with me that I have no doubts.
If there were doubts I wouldn’t have even looked at houses – as it is we went to a new build development on a whim with his parents and fell in love, with the year on year increase in prices and the perfect timing for everything else it made more sense to go for it than not.
I will (assuming my partner is telling the truth lol) have been engaged for a about 5-6 months by the time we actually move in but most of the paperwork has already been completed. 🙂 it’s definitely “do what’s best for you at the time” thing
Post # 7
Happy new year to you too! 🙂
Yes! I would absolutely buy property with him before getting engaged or married. Just so happens we can’t afford to buy property any time soon, so we’ll probably be married first. I’m similar to you in that I want to live with someone before getting engaged to them, so for now we rent and save. Formal engagement next, then marriage, then hopefully we’ll be able to afford a nice house.
Post # 8
We did the same. Purchased our place earlier this year and got engaged in November. We never had a timeline.
I don’t wish to pass judgement on anyone else’s preferences – it’s a personal decision. But it often seems to me like engagement only really offers a false sense of security. Anyone should know that relationships break down regardless of engagement, marriage or joint property ownership.
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2017 - Bahamas
Our situation is slightly different. We knew we wanted to move in together, SO just happened to be looking to buy a home. My name isn’t anywhere on legal documents but we look at it as our home, pay the mortgage and bills together and we had the understanding from the beginning that assuming this went well… I would be put on the legalese once we get married. We were not engaged at the time that the house was purchased.
Post # 10
I did and I wouldn’t change a thing. We moved in together after dating for 9-10 months. We wanted to save money for a house so we moved into a two bedroom apartment (along with our things from both of our two bedroom apartments). The second room and living room were literally storage rooms; we only had our bedroom and the kitchen. After living there a month (maybe less?), we were discussing rings and houses and it hit me then and there that I wanted the house first; that was my priority (living in the cramped apartment had put some extra tension on everything). We purchased our house 6 months later. We consulted a lawyer about drawing up paperwork, but we already knew that I wouldn’t be able to afford the house if we broke up, so he would reimburse me for my down payment half and I’d walk away.
I was a bit nervous about it, not because of our actual relationship, but because of all the horror stories you hear (still not being engaged 7 years later; getting screwed over financially, etc), but I also knew my bf and trusted him completely (and we were actively looking at rings while we were in closing but couldn’t make any big purchases). He proposed a week after we signed on the dotted line. We got married 11 months later- 17 days ago.
Besides the fact I already trusted him (I’ve seen him do the right thing in situations I would have even bent the rules!), the fact that the house being first was my idea, and coupled with us actively looking at rings, I knew going in I was making the right decision. I have no regrets on the order we did things.
Post # 11
Do you know, I’m quite surprised as I was expecting more “this is a no go for me” answers which would have been absolutely fine too. Even though my mind has been made up for a while, this is still very encouraging 🙂
Post # 12
you will get those two. I’ve always been shocked how many bees are against it (not that there is anything wrong with that).
Post # 13
I don’t think I could before engagement. I often see people say on these boards, “we’ve talked about it and decided to get married, so we don’t need to be engaged before X.” But to me, that is engaged. At the point where you’ve decided to marry each other, you’re engaged. So when people say they are fine with doing X before getting engaged, but have decided to marry each other, they already qualify under my definition of engaged.
But if someone is saying, “I’m almost positive we’re going to get engaged,” but not “we’ve had an explicit conversation,” then to me, that isn’t engaged and I would be really nervous about getting deeply financially entangled before a couple of candid, explicit conversations.
Post # 14
I would! My Fiance & I practically lived together before we got engaged. It was nice, we didn’t move in together completely because I was only living in England temporarily so he had to keep his place. He only slept there maybe one day a week and kept everything at my place.
i think us ‘moving in’ together made us realize what we could or could not handle. I personally think the only way to truly know someone is to live with them. There are certain things that could kill your marriage if you didn’t move in together prior to like the person takes like one shower per week.
Obviously, not moving in together prior to getting married definitely can work out.
Post # 15
I think for me the house issue is similar to the kids issue; if he doesn’t want to commit to me “officially” then I don’t want to have joint assets that would be a ballache to split out in the event of a breakup. Bear in mind though, that I didn’t want an expensive ring so that wasn’t going to impact on any potential house deposit. Equally as I said, I’d never have purposefully had children with someone who wasn’t at least prepared to marry me – that’s a far bigger commitment that marriage IMO.