Post # 1
So basically I’m having a huge identity crisis.
I live in Texas and my family lives in MN. I’m debating whether we should move up to be close to my family, or whether we should stay in Texas longer.
Right now I work nights and take care of our 17 month old during the day. I’m not making as much as I probably could, but I’m in my chosen field, I still see my husband a lot, im able to still bring home money and also raise my baby. I definitely am sacrificing my sleep though, so we need to move to a cheaper place so we can afford a morning babysitter to give me some rest, but otherwise this is ideal. My husband likes his job, I’m furthering my career, still able to be a “stay at home Mom”, and we have a rhythm down.
However, we are 1000 miles away from my family. I want my son to grow up knowing his grandparents and I miss them terribly. My sister is also unexpectedly pregnant and due in February, and she will need a lot of help. Plus I want him to grow up with his baby cousin! But I can’t imagine finding a better situation than we have now. I’d either have to work outside of my field, send my baby to daycare, or not make enough money. I originally imagined my family helping out a lot but the rose colored glasses have fallen off and idk if they’d be able to do much babysitting or anything. It’s a risk and a scary unknown to move across the country, and both Darling Husband and I are really worried about having to find new jobs. I have no idea what else I would do, and so far in my searching I can’t find a similar position in MN with the same hours.
Is it worth it to be nesr family? Are we settling if we stay in Texas? How much support is your family able to give? What would you do? Is my indecision just fear of the unknown?
Post # 2
A few years ago, I would have said career, hands down. Now as Darling Husband and I are closer to starting a family, I realize how much I regret moving away from home and leaving my very large family behind. I’d move back in a heartbeat, but Darling Husband doesn’t want to. You need to evaluate and do what’s right for you. Money isn’t everything, but it sure helps everything go more smoothly. Best of luck in your decision.
Post # 3
Your husband is equally ok with either? Where is his family located?
The answer one might give gets more complicated when there are two families to consider and the relative (emotional) closeness to those families.
Proximity doesn’t guarantee closeness. Just because your kids grow up near each other doesn’t mean they’ll be close. And while your families of origin are certainly important, you created a new family. That comes first now and doing what is best for that family has to have the first consideration. That doesn’t always mean proximity to your own family of origin. It also might, but that is such a unique set of circumstances for each individual/family unit.
Post # 4
JiminyCricket : I wish we could afford to live off one income, that would solve everything! Lol. But unfortunately we need the money just to pay bills, not even for anything crazy. And when I say career, I just mean something other than Walmart. 😕 Idk what else I could do at night that would allow me to stay at home during the day like I do. SO that’s the dilemma :/
Post # 5
Well, if memory serves me correctly, in Texas you’re near DH’s family though right? So at least you guys aren’t completely alone?
It sounds like it’s best to stay in Texas for now, with your practically ideal situation than to move to MN, SIMPLY because you have his family near by.
If you had no family near by, I would be saying move to MN.
I don’t know Bee, it’s a hard one. How often are you able to go home to visit your family? Is it in the budget to make it a priority to go home every X amount of months?
Post # 6
Equine_Breeder : If I remember correctly, didn’t you ask something similar a few weeks ago? Anyway, you have a son now who is your priority. Whatever is best for him should be your answer. Being back in MN, you’re not even sure how much family can help especially your sister will also be having a kid. In this case, I am leaning more towards staying in TX.
Post # 7
annabananabee : he is on board with moving to MN, he knows my family is important to me. But he’d be happier to stay in Texas. His family is six hours away in Dallas. So we see them three or four times a year but it’s not like they’re close enough to babysit or anything. He’s not talking to his mom at all right now acrually. I’m very close with my family, although they do get on my nerves sometimes so it’s not like I want to hang out every week. I am super close with my sister though and want to help with her new baby.
MsPlucky : technically they’re in Texas but they’re six hours away so we’re basically alone. WHich was the reasoning behind moving to my family, for support and so my baby has at least one set of grandparents. We see his family on holidays, but wouldn’t trust them to watch our baby anyway. I haven’t been able to afford to go home since we had our baby. We had a lot of unexpected medical bills and it’s $1000 to go there (it’ll be more with a toddler now too😩). So we could only do it once a year till those bills are paid off.
socalgirl1689 : lol I did. But I was debating moving to his family or mine. Now I’m debating moving at all! I’m a hot mess 😅
Post # 8
Just my own situation but my family lives in Canada and I live in Europe (where Darling Husband is from and his family are but we are not very close to them – distance wise). It is very hard being away from my family but Darling Husband and I have good jobs/schedules/wages so that when we have kids we will be able to provide for them. We both grew up in poor families and it was really hard on us and our parents.
I totally get wanting to be close to family but I personally would not sacrifice financial security for it. Having a baby and being unemployed would be far too stressful for me, even if my parents were living next door.
Post # 9
This is a toughie, but what I would do is probably wait and really put a game-plan together. Start looking for something like a telecommute job or a role that doesn’t require you to go into an office on a daily basis and that can give you some type of sustainable income before uprooting pretty solid careers to move cross-country. I agree with a PP that the stress of the financial insecurity and no job would be too much to enjoy being back home if I was constantly worried.
Post # 10
Equine_Breeder : Oh, with that information, I would be moving to MN. I thought you guys were closer and it wasn’t a strained relationship.
As far as night time jobs, MN has quite a few hospitals, I would definitely look into something there. Also, universities/community colleges, maybe there are some teaching/counseling positions open that would offer a flexible schedule? Lots of theaters as well, has to be better working there than Walmart?
Post # 11
I’d say move because it meant the world to me to grow up so close to my cousins. I wouldn’t change it for anything and I want the same for my kids. I’m still really close with them and I’m so grateful our parents all stayed in one city growing up.
Post # 12
Well, your child won’t be a toddler forever – at which point they will be in school and this cushy schedule isn’t all that necessary (unless you’re planning to immediately try for a second). And kids are very adaptable and generally make new friends easily. Not bonding with their cousin now likely won’t harm their ability to bond with them when they are five.
I think Minnesota is great. But I also think that if you’re struggling this much with the decision (I seem to recall you making another post about this), it might be a sign that maybe now isn’t the right time or you’re rushing into and not able to plan enough to make it a safe decision for you. I think perhaps you should take your sister’s pregnancy out of the equation – your children growing up with each other is not enough of a reason to rush and uproot your life. What about building a 3 or 4 year plan to move when your kid starts school? It gives you enough time to save up money for the move and housing, work on your career and find job opportunities in MN, and have the time with your kid with your nice schedule before they go off to school.
If that option doesn’t appeal, then I would probably sit down and make a weighted score card. Go check this book out of the library: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/226507.Smart_Choices. It’s a very practical, accessible guide to help with decision making. Some of it may seem like common sense, but sometimes you just need to a kick in the butt to put everything in one place and analyze all of the data in front of you and this book is a really good guide on how to do that. You can poll internet strangers all the live long day, but no one is ever going to have the same circumstances and priorities as you. This will help you sort out your priorities and put them together in a way that allows you to feel better about the decisions you’re making.
Post # 13
JiminyCricket : Like you, I would have said career hands down if asked years ago. Now, my advice is find a way to move closer to family. You will want to be an aunt. You will want the cousins to know each other. Your parents are getting older and who knows what will happen.
Post # 14
Equine_Breeder : I agree a lot with what annabananabee says. At 17 months old your son isn’t going to be playing a lot with a newborn cousin. While I think it’s admirable that you want to help your sister, is this going to add stress? Neither of you have jobs in MN, so I wouldn’t just get up and move without a plan. Maybe you need to look at the job market before you make any decisions. You may not be able to get jobs anywhere near your family lives and then you’ll be in a similar situation to what you’re already in.
I would also check on the cost of living. I don’t think MN is cheaper than TX (and I think it’s more expensive) so that has to play in your decision as well.
Post # 15
Equine_Breeder : If you like living in TX and both of you enjoy your careers, I don’t think you should move. Happy parents who aren’t stressing about finances and job stability are better for your son than living closer to family and subjecting him to financial stress unnecessarily.
If moving to MN is your longterm plan, start saving up a year of expenses now while researching job opportunities and cost of living in MN. Don’t move without job offers that are equivalent or better than you currently have in TX. Having enough savings and finding the right employers will make it a much easier transition for your family and allow you to enjoy being near family vs consumed with financial and job related stress.