Polyamorous lover wants to be exclusive

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
9086 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

This will breed resentment.

Post # 3
1483 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

I don’t pretend to have any experience with this at all, but the one thing I do see in your statement is “I feel she will resent me.”  To be frank, you’re speculating.  There’s little point in pre-gaming someone being mad at you – that’s anxiety speaking, not fact or reality.  If she hasn’t spoken to you about it and specifically said “I’ll be upset if you don’t become monogamous with me,” then I don’t think you have anything to worry about.  If she chooses to leave because that’s what she wants and she can’t have it, then that’s her decision and that’s ok.  But I don’t know that it’s worth fretting over emotions that may or may not exist for someone else.

Also, Painter sounds like a jealous pot-stirrer, which I wouldn’t want to touch with a ten-foot pole.  Just my two cents.

Post # 4
538 posts
Busy bee

This is why I feel like polyamorous relationships, open relationships and even threesomes are a bad idea. No matter how good the intentions are or how much planning and rule making goes into them, someone catches feelings, someone gets jealous, someone wants exclusivity.

This is how people end up on an episode of snapped or as the ‘based on a true story’ tagline of a lifetime movie. 

However if I were in this situation, I would just end things with both of them and move on. This has kind of crossed the lines of polyamorous and I honestly don’t think there’s a way to come back from someone having strong, I-want-to-be-exclusive-with-you feelings and return to the relationship you three once shared. No matter what you do the feelings will always be there, therefore there will always be a bit of jealousy or tension at the fact that you’re still “shared property,” if you will, and possibly even a continuous hope that, no matter what you say to the contrary, there will come a day where you can be exclusive without the Painter. 

Go find someone who ‘truly’ wants to be polyamorous if that’s what you want. Staying in this situation will surely be a bigger headache than it’s honestly worth. 

Post # 5
344 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
newenglandgal90 :  Do you have tickets booked already? If so, I’d tell her straight exactly what you want out of the relationship, and if possible enjoy the vacation with both. After that, nope out of there. If she is intent on something serious with just you and you are not, cancel the whole thing. 

Post # 6
7471 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Relationships do not work unless everyone involved has equal power and an equal emotional investment. Right now, you have more power than Writer does, and she has more of an emotional investment.  This relationship will not work.  If another poster shared a story about how she wanted her partner to be monogamous and he wanted to play the field, we would all tell her it was time to walk away, and that it wasn’t healthy to stay in a relationship where the partners’ wants and needs were so very different. The same advice applies here. You need to quit seeing both of them.

Post # 7
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

“I don’t want to be poly with you, but I will be if it means I can still be with you” is a ticking time bomb. You don’t want to be monogamous. That’s ok. Your artist Girlfriend does. That’s also ok. The kind thing to do, now that you know her feelings on the matter, is to break it off instead of risking ALL the future relationships. Maybe you and the writer can still be friends someday, or maybe you’ll end up together, or maybe she’ll disappear … hard to say. The immediate thing is that by continuing to see her in conditions that she has TOLD you qualify as under duress is a cruel thing to do. Break that part off and have fun in France with your beau.

Post # 8
3970 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

The part that stood out to me was “she admitted she wants to see me exclusively, but will continue with Painter also if thats her only avenue to me‘. She admitted that she will use Painter to continue to see you… Not cool. This won’t work and it will blow up in everyone’s faces. You no longer want the same things as Writer, this will not solve itself. I suggest ending things with her. 

Post # 9
3399 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

View original reply
newenglandgal90 :  doesn’t sound like this is a healthy relationship for anyone involved. i think it’s probably time to break up and move on.

Post # 10
2723 posts
Sugar bee

This reminds me of Vicky Christina Barcelona.

Any relationship that involves sabotage, resentment, using others and undesired non-monogamy is gearing towards disaster. But it might make a good movie. 

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