Post # 1
My SO and I have been married almost 3 years, together for nearly 5. I love him very much and want to spend my life with him.
On new years eve I got a “drunk dial” from my ‘one that got away’… After our breakup we’ve remained friends, but both mutually agree that we shouldn’t have broken up and still have a great deal of love for one another. In this, er, conversation, he confessed his undying love; but since he was at his soon to be in-laws house i ended the call (people dont realize how loud they are when theyre drunk and i didn’t want him to create a situation he’d regret).
Anyway, this got me thinking… though I would never cheat, i started thinking about different kinds of relationships out there. I mean, as for me and drunk dial, I feel like I have unconditional love for him, in that i’m not threatened that he loves someone else, I know he loves me too. In my marriage with Darling Husband, of course we took vows of fidelity. But isnt that a “condition”? Idk, i guess i strive for unconditional, and how can u have that if you put limitations on your love.
Being married doesn’t stop your attraction to other people, or your feelings toward them. Yet for me at least, having feelings/attraction for others doesn’t take away what i have with my SO.
What are your thoughts on polyamory or ‘open relationships’ (that term sounds so kinky, don’t like it)? I don’t see anything wrong with it, and i think its very evolved. If my Darling Husband was on the same page I could see myself doing it!
Post # 3
Totally not for me. I love the concept of being with just one person the rest of my life. I can’t even comprehend wanting to be with another guy, in addition to my husband.
But I wouldn’t judge others for doing this. As long as both parties agree to it, of course. I just personally don’t get it! But I will be honest and admit I’d worry about any children involved, though.
Post # 4
@Jenn23: I second your comment. Very well said. 🙂
Post # 5
i don’t have kids, maybe i’d think differently if i did, because i probably wouldn’t have time for lovers lol.
but hypotheticallly in that situation, the children wouldn’t be involved in other relationships.
Post # 6
It’s not for me, defintely. I just have to say, though, I think there are some conditions on love. For me, love doesn’t mean that Fiance can do whatever he would like once we say our vows. I think love is based on choices and mutual respect.
I can see how it would seem more ‘evolved’ though, to be able to love several people without jealousy getting in the way. I just know I’m never going to be at that place! 🙂
Post # 7
Not for me, but different strokes for different folks 😉
Post # 8
I don’t have any issues with polyamory, and might be ok with it in the right situation, but I do think it is something that couples have to be really careful about. I can imagine situations where one partner is essentially cheating openly because the other doesn’t feel comfortable telling his/her partner that he/she isn’t or has become uncomfortable with polyamory. But for a couple who is totally honest and open with each other, and knows that their partnership is about more than just exclusivity, it can work really well. I have a friend who has been married to her husband for ten years and they are very happily poly… she has a girlfriend (who is also poly) and both of them have done things with other people and they actually get excited for each other about this stuff. It’s actually very adorable and they have a really healthy, successful marriage.
Post # 9
ITA with your comments; its definitely something you can’t go back on… even if you did, the relationship would never be the same.
thats so neat about your friend! how awesome for them 🙂
i knew the poll would be a landslide, especially when you’re just about to get married its unthinkable to imagine you or especially your SO with someone else!
i thought its an interesting topic to discuss… the heart has a boundless ability to love, our minds and egos have a tough time with it though 🙂
i know my dh wouldn’t be able to handle it, and thats ok. i love our marriage and its not lacking anything, but if he was open that would only add to it i think 🙂
Post # 10
It’s definitely not for me, but if another couple enters into it mutually on all sides, who am I to say it’s wrong? I’m generally of the opinion on all things that as long as all parties are consenting adults, it should be allowed.
Post # 11
My betrothed & I are actively polyamorous; two of my bridesmaids are our mutual girlfriends (and have been married to each other for almost a decade). FI has an additional girlfriend that I’m close friends with, and the three of us live together. She has offered to help wrangle people (make sure everyone’s where they need to be on time) before our ceremony, and to DJ our iTunes playlist at the reception.
I’ll admit that I do sometimes have some insecurities & competitive impulses w.r.t. this live-in girlfriend, partly because I’m not also dating her and partly because I’ve never shared so much of my betrothed’s day-to-day with someone else he’s involved with, but we get along really well; we care about each other’s happiness and each other’s relationships (esp. w/ my fiance), and we make it work as a committed family-by-choice. I’ve never had issues, jealousy or insecurity around our mutual girlfriends (indeed, I’d already been seeing them for years when Fiance & I got together) or around any of his more casual flirtations / interests. For myself, I might date additional partners if I should happen to meet someone who appeals, but right now I’m not seeking out any more people to date. (My dance card is full with Fiance & 2 girlfriends!)
It takes a lot of self-awareness, honesty, communication & trust — just as a healthy, intimate monogamous relationship does, only multiplied across more partners and thus more interpersonal relationships, both romantic and what some call ‘metamours’ (people who have a romantic partner in common but aren’t also dating each other). It can work well, though, *if* all parties are on board & ok with it, have compatible approaches to poly (some need strict hierarchy to feel secure, some need to be equal partners with everybody, some need various degrees of in-between) and go into it prepared to do the communicating and the other work of balancing people’s needs for time & attention. It has worked really well for at least 2 of the married couples I’m closest with, and various other friends & acquaintances. Of course, just like any monogamous relationship, it can get stunningly messy if people have conflicting assumptions that they don’t work out, or if one or more parties break the others’ trust. But it works for us!
Post # 12
I think if everyone involved truly wants it, there’s nothing wrong with it. The problem comes if one party is uncomfortable with it and gets pressured into it. That’s pretty miserable. I’ve known quite a few very healthy poly relationships though.
Post # 13
I think polyamory is natural and could possibly be the best kind of relationship if everyone is able to handle it well, especially with children around (more time, money, attention to give children). However, I don’t think I personally could ever be a part of this kind of relationship due to how well I handle my jealousy… which is not well at all. My fiance is the same way. However, if I hadn’t met him I would be open to trying this kind of relationship. I’m just (currently) incapable of sharing him. Maybe in ten years we can reevaluate, but I’ll likely be just where I am now.