(Closed) Porn and Pre-Mature Ejaculation?? (Long! but please read)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7904 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

In my experience with men, lots and lots of masturbation desensitizes them and it becomes hard to orgasm from normal stimulation. it’s easy for them to do it for themselves… they know just the right rhythm and speed and all, but when it comes to sex, they have a harder time climaxing, not an easier time. Generally, masturbation is considered a way for men to help themselves last longer.

ETA: perhaps your SO can work on slowing down his masturbation instea dof focusing on completion as soon as possible.

Post # 4
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Lots of porn usage usually leads to it making guys last longer or not being able to come at all, not the other way around. It could actually be part of him trying to keep his promise to you and hardly ever looking at porn, not part of his betrayal.

I think you guys could really use a neutral third party to try and help your trust and communication over this issue. Sounds like he needs help understanding the depth of the emotional triggering you experience, and you both need help rebuilding trust!

Post # 5
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

@internalheights:  

I think you need to get into therapy.  Hopefully he’ll join you for couples therapy, but if not you should go on your own anyway.  Put the wedding on hold until you’ve dealt with these things.  You aren’t going to find the answers you need on a wedding forum, you need to speak with a professional.

Post # 9
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@internalheights:  He sounds incredibly immature. He can’t even discuss this with you like an adult. Does he act like this during every argument or just arguments related to porn use?

 

The fact that he knows what happened to you and still treats you in such an incredibly insensitive way speaks VOLUMES about his character.

 

ETA: My Fiance just told me immature isn’t the right word. The right word is cruel.

Post # 11
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think not enough research has been done either way to have conclusive evidence for how porn affects people.  It could very well be that since your Fiance has watched porn consistently for 10 years (possibly throughout his adolescence) that it has had very negative effects.  You said you have done some reading – maybe you would like to take a look at this if you haven’t seen it already: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

Either way, I think a sex therapist would be a great idea.  I agree with you that he should be respecting your wishes towards porn, especially since it is a trigger for you.  Porn is not a need, but it is possible he is addicted.  He told you he doesn’t know how to be with any girl – did he also indicate a want to learn?

I also wanted to mention that frequent masturbation and porn are not the same.  I’m pretty certain that masturbation alone would have no negative consequences, and would possibly have the positive effects PPs mentioned.

Post # 12
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@internalheights:  After all that he’s said, (brutal honesty, but under normal circumstances, not things you should ever say to your fiancee) ask him if he’s willing to work on his issues. If not, then he’s too defeated by his issues to step up and be the second half of a healthy marriage. It’s one thing to acknowledge his background and the reasons why he treats you like he does, but what he needs to do now is accept the fact that it’s therapy or nothing at all.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, I wish you luck.

Post # 13
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

that sounds awful. honestly, i’d be wary marrying someone who cannot even have an adult conversation with it and who clearly doesn’t care enough to work through it to address your needs and make you happy, too.

My ex was awful in bed and never wanted to talk about how to make it better. We’d talk at times but he never made any changes, so that was it for me.  

Maybe you guys could try couples counseling? Clearly there are some deeply rooted issues that both of you should get to the bottom of.  You can’t really even start to solve anything if he refuses to talk about it like an adult though.

Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t exactly know what to say about the porn thing, but I’m a little worried about other aspects of your relationship based on your latest update.  Please do not marry this man until you have had some counseling to work through these issues.  I know that it sucks to lose deposits, etc, but don’t put yourself in the position that you could end up being his mom. I am not saying that he’s going to turn into his dad, but I feel like some of the things he said about being ‘cold’ towards women and not knowing why he treats them badly alludes to the fact that he might be going down that path.  It sounds like he might even recognize that he is, but he doesn’t know how to cope with it or change.  A lot of people who grow up in a situation like that recognize how awful it is, but have uncontrollable urges and end up continuing the cycle.  So please do not marry him until you have been through some extensive counseling together and separately and worked through these issues. 

Also, it really bothers me that he didn’t stick up for you around his father.  By his comment it sounds like he was almost blaming you for not putting and end to it which is ridiculous.   If this happened with my Father-In-Law, I know my husband would stand up and fight for me even if it meant losing his relationship with his dad.  That sickens me knowing that he wouldn’t do anything especially given some of the things that happened in your past.

Post # 15
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I do not find porn solely to blame for this, I actually do not think it is related at all. He may need counseling or maybe talk to a doctor about his PE. PE can be contributed to a lot of things.  Actually he probably should see both to get over this. His sexual ….shortcomings….are probably taking a toll on his self esteem and the fact that he is unwilling to talk about it is only making it worst. I could be wrong, but I think that he is dealing with it by reacting out in anger, which is not healthy or helpful. He is ashamed and feels less of a man and when you bring it up, it only causes him to explode in rage. If he refuses to get help (which is highly likely)…then well…. what you do after that is entirely up to you.

Post # 16
Member
423 posts
Helper bee

@internalheights:  If you are feeling unfulfilled in bed, why don’t you try taking the matter in your own hands? Next time, instead of starting foreplay with him, you can make him watch you give yourself an orgasm. He is free to assist, but he can’t enter you. You can also use other means to fulfill yourself, like extended foreplay, dirty talking, him going down on you etc. Keep the penetration only for the time when both of you are about to orgasm. Even after he orgasms, he can still make you come in various ways. 

The other alternative is couples counselling. I don’t know if he has a porn addiction, but if he does it will be best to get rid of it. IMO, communication can solve a lot of problems in the bedroom. But for it to be successful, the two of you need to communicate in a calm, non-accusing manner. If he reacts irrationally then try to figure out if you are saying something that is triggering such a reaction in him. Can you change the way you approch the conversation? Will that help?

The last resort, of course, is breaking up. Will you be able to be a part of this crazy family? Please give it a thought.

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