(Closed) Porn in marriage.. Is it a yey or ney for you?

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 61
Member
7371 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Mrstobe26: but does anyone really want their husband or SO looking at other girls like that.. And when does the line cross from looking at porn to looking at girls who live near you it’s so hard to know where the line ends?

Huh? Maybe I just accept that we are all human and that sexuality and attraction are perfectly normal. I don’t know where some women (scratch that, because some insecure men believe that nonsene as well) get hung up on that their SO is only supposed to have eyes for them.

I’m normal red blooded female and I see attractive men EVERY SINGLE FREAKING DAY OF MY LIFE. And there are times where OMG the horror of it, I actually might imagine myself with them. OMG I’m such a disgusting person. NOT! Does that mean I’m not committed to my SO because I have a flash of attraction or fantasy about someone else? What a weird boring world that would be.  If my mate told me I he only had eyes for me, sorry I’d think he’s a complete weirdo and a liar. 

However, he makes a choice to not act on those feelings and chooses to be in relationship with me. THAT is what matters. Not him being visually turn on by another woman. 

Post # 62
Member
534 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Mrstobe26:  The line is where you want it to be. I suppose it’s different for some, but I’ve never felt like my SO looking at porn was analogous with cheating or meant he was more likely to cheat on me. 

Do I need it to masturbate? No. Is it nice to have that option? Yes. 

Post # 63
Member
271 posts
Helper bee

Porn has no place in our marriage or in our lives. My husband and I both firmly believe that sex belongs in a loving committed relationship, not as a commodity. All those who say how it’s no big deal, I’d be very curious to know if you would still consider it ‘no big deal’ if this was the profession your son or daughter chose, or even your partner?    

Post # 64
Member
2348 posts
Buzzing bee

We’re both totally pro-masturbation/fantasy but not really into porn (I’m 28, he’s 32). It’s just hard for us to separate the fantasy aspect from the actual human beings involved, many of whom are women with little to no choice.

I’m sure he’s looked at porn from time to time (as have I) but it’s not a regular part of life for us. If I went out of town and he looked at porn it wouldn’t really shock or anger me but if it was a regular part of life for him, like masturbation or sex, that would bother me. I’m also not down with strip clubs (he’s never been to one and neither have I) for the same basic reason.

So I guess it’s not so much that we’re anti watching sexy things (we’re actually pretty kinky) but that we find the whole industry and circumstances of it to be a little tough to ignore. I guess we’re kind of like vegetarians who like the taste of beef but don’t eat it for ethical reasons. I used to live with a few ladies who were strippers and did porn and they were great girls but their stories were heartbreaking and the way they painted the industry was just super rough. Like, way beyond what I had imagined.

 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  swonderful.
Post # 65
Member
644 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: A restaurant on the beach

I’m not going to stop watching it so I don’t expect him to. 

Post # 68
Member
1610 posts
Bumble bee

Mrstobe26:  When I was younger it used to really bother me, I often felt like… Why wasn’t I enough? Clearly I don’t do it for him because he still feels the need to look elsewhere. I know that’s come from my own insecurities and thoughts from myself but hey… Who hasn’t ever felt inferior?

Now a days… I’ll admit I am not all that hot about it in terms of him watching it and definitely don’t want to hear about it from my fiancé but I am a lot more ok with it. I understand guys needs and such and have even done it myself. But we don’t do it together as a couple, I would not be comfortable with watching him getting turned on by someone else. And for me there’s boundaries and limits of it, like expecting me to do stuff from it I am not comfortable with. Another limit for me I think would be strippers, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  bluehope.
Post # 69
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Mrstobe26:  It’s a no, because we did it for a while and found we started having trouble really enjoying sex without it. At first it was harmless, but for us it became an addiction, And it’s like any other addiction, once it takes hold you need a little more every time to get that same ‘fix’.

Post # 70
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Sand Key Park- Clearwater Beach Elopement

My fiance and I both look at porn sometimes. It’s just a normal, healthy part of our relationship. It’s not like we want to bang the people in the scenes or anything.

And addressing the post above about how any of us would feel about our son or daughter becoming a porn actor/actress…I would not give a crap. I have been a cam girl and I have sold videos and other content, myself. I refuse to be ashamed. I spent far too long feeling like that, and it hurt me deeply. If my child went into that, I honestly wouldn’t care much. Their lives, their business. As long as they are an adult and do it because they want to, I will support them. That question really rubbed me the wrong way, as a former camgirl/independent porn actress, however I respect their opinion.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  bunniebee.
Post # 71
Member
3545 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 29th, 2016

Mrstobe26: My Fiance watches it occasionally (not when I’m around) and I don’t. I don’t really care lol 

Post # 72
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016 - Estates of Sunnybrook - McLean House

Mrstobe26:  nayyyy 🙂

Post # 73
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Whatever you are comfortable with, everyone is different, there is no right or wrong answer. 

Post # 74
Member
3114 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

Mrstobe26:  I’m interested in a lot of the same questions you have and I’ve discussed this stuff at length with my fiance. I think a lot of it is hard for people to answer, for instance why it’s okay to be turned on by and get off to porn stars but why they would never date one. I think our culture has placed a lot of confusing messages on us when we are young, we are taught that women who are free with their sexuality are sluts and dirty, that they are okay to use but shouldn’t be respected. I know my fiance is sensitive to womens issues and has said on many occasions that he doesn’t objectfy women and when I ask him what about porn, he starts to feel kind of guilty about it. He knows he’s objectifying those women but at the same time it’s something that feels natural, wanting to look at arousing images, and it’s something he has had access to since an early age, it is now a habit. I honestly don’t think he sees porn stars as real people, he has said on many occasions that he views porn as body parts engaging in various acts. I think many men feel this way, and I’m sure many women too. For me personally I can’t be turned on unless there’s something more personal to it, so that’s why porn in general doesn’t do it for me. There’s a lot of shame in our society when it comes to sex which makes the whole issue confusing for many. 

Post # 75
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

joyanne77:  All those who say how it’s no big deal, I’d be very curious to know if you would still consider it ‘no big deal’ if this was the profession your son or daughter chose, or even your partner?

First, not all porn (or all sex work) is equal. There IS ethical porn out there. There ARE people, women and men and non-binary people, who perform in the sex industry purely out of choice and are happy and healthy doing so. If I had adult children and they wanted to do this work, I’d simply advise them to take every precaution and be sure they would never want a job in politics. I’ve actually had a previous partner who did some performing, but only solo. I’m not sure how I’d personally feel if she had wanted to do scenes with other people, even though in most porn the actors are just acting, but I definitely would NOT have a problem knowing a partner had done so in the past before being with me.

However, I think this question is a bit misleading. Just because someone enjoys the product of someone else’s work doesn’t mean they should want to DO that work themselves. I’m sure most of us enjoy using gasoline to travel, but that doesn’t mean we all have to want our loved ones to do the dangerous work of drilling for it.

Mrstobe26:  I know my husband has watched porn in the past – still does probably and i asked him if I was a pornstar would he have gone out with me and the answer was a disgusted no..so it’s ok for you to watch them however if I was a pornstar it would be devastating?

Wow, that’s a shame. So these actors are good enough to provide him with masturbation material that turns him on, but couldn’t possibly be intelligent or interesting enough to date? They’re just human beings trying to earn a living by acting out scenes that HE fantasizes about, after all.

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