(Closed) Possible "Backup" Bridesmaid; bachelorette party disaster

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
6222 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I don’t think it really matters whether you cancel your plans or not for the bachelorette party, it’s just about which plans you would like better.

If you look around the boards, a lot of brides wait to ask their bridesmaids just to make sure those are the people they want, so I wouldn’t automatically assume that being asked after the planning has begun means you were a backup. 

As for the wedding, it’s stressful, and a lot of brides get to a point where they just act like they’ve thrown up their hands and don’t care anymore. It’s more a coping mechanism than anything else, it might not mean she actually doesn’t care. Just try to help her get everything perfect and she will thank you for it.

Post # 4
Member
3688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If you really feel this way about your friend (flaky, puts herself and others before you), then you shouldn’t have agreed to be her bridesmaid.

Is it possible that she wanted to wait until she could ask you in person to be a bridesmaid? Your post doesn’t make it clear, but it sounds like that was her first opportunity to ask you in person. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you were a back-up.

Have you ever planned a wedding before? Let me tell you, it sucks. You’re dealing with everybody fighting over the guest list, meals that cost a ridiculous amount of money, both sides’ expectations, etc. All the while you’re still dealing with your normal life, trying to lose weight to look good in your dress, etc. Seriously, it’s awful. I don’t blame her for wanting it to be over at this point so she can go on a vacation.

I guess what I’m trying to say is try not to judge her too harshly. It doesn’t sound from what you’ve said here like she’s done anything terrible to you or the other bridesmaids. Wanting you to be present at the bachelorette party is understandable.

Post # 5
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

What are the plans?  If they involve something long-standing/important I would think she would understand (e.g. bought plane tickets already).  If they are casual, I would think you might look into changing them.

Post # 6
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m a bit confused. So the Bride isn’t all rah rah excited for the wedding. And that’s making you doubt being in the wedding? I’m not seeing the coorelation. Weddings are stressful and overwhelming. It’s possible the bride is feeling a bit down about the whole thing and just wants to be married already. That shouldn’t affect how you feel about being in the wedding. The bride clearly wants you in the wedding! And wants you involved! I think you should honor your commitment to her.

Post # 7
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Nope, don’t cancel your plans if they are important or if you already spent money on them. I think most brides understand that not everyone will be able to attend every wedding event.

Post # 8
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You can’t win as a bride, can  you?!

If a bride is upset everyone can’t make it, she’s a bridezilla, if she says it’s okay that you can’t make it then she’s doesn’t care about you!

Cancel your plans and go if you want, if you don’t don’t.

Maybe she is burnt out from the stresses of wedding planning which is why she is saying she doesn’t care. If you hvaen’t planned a wedding before then you probably wouldn’t understand this, but after so much planning it gets tedious.  I’m in bridal burnout mode right now and don’t give two shits about what happens at my wedding anymore, as long as my groom is there and we end up married at the end of the day. 

Post # 9
Member
3053 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I’m a bit confused as well. What makes you think you were a backup BM? Have you heard through others that someone she asked said no?

Post # 10
Member
3688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

+1

I feel exactly the same way. At this point, we’re almost wishing we had eloped.

Post # 12
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Should have added – Darling Husband was asked to be Bridesmaid or Best Man for his brother’s wedding 13.5 months into their engagement 19 month engagement, with 4.5 months to go to their wedding.  That is delayed…not a few months.  (I didn’t ask mine until 3 months of the 11.5 month engagement passed, because I asked in person.)

Post # 13
Member
7647 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

First, you shouldn’t have said yes to being her bridesmaid if you felt so strongly about her. She is planning a bachlorette party correctly as far as I am concerned. You DO look at the availability of the majority. Why would she plan a party that you and one other person can make it to but not the other 10? It doesn’t make sense, so you really cannot fault her for this.

If you feel like odd man out or that you don’t want to participate then you need to go ahead with your own plans and not attend the bachlorette party. Maybe you can plan to do something separately with her some other time if you want to spend some important time with her?

Post # 14
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@indiralove:  gotcha. Your post made it seem like you wanted to back out of the wedding. if it’s the Bach isn’t a huge deal. Do what is best for you. 

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