- 3 months ago
I’m going to try and make this as short as I can. I have been up all night crying.
My husband wants to separate after 5 years of marriage. He said last night in our arguement that he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. There is a lot going on between us.
He feels like I don’t want to be around his family, and that I’m controlling and jealous. My sister in law, DH’s brother’s wife is not nice to me, at all. We used to talk before we got married, but she is very threatened by me. DH’s niece also doesn’t like me, and makes it known. Family functions have not been good for the past 1.5 years. my SIL doesn’t talk to me, neither does his niece. They call me names, talk about me to other behind my back, and ignore me at family functions. To be 100% honest, I have not done anything to these two ladies. They don’t like the way that I look, dress, my hair color, etc. Last year at Thanksgiving, DH’s niece walked in, gave DH a big hug, said Merry Christmas to him. She walked right past me, I said Hi, and she walked past me ignoring me. I’ve never done anything to her. SIL hates me because my DH’s ex-gf never cooked, cleaned, etc, anything. I cook, clean, etc and she doesn’t like that. She apparently feels threatened. I don’t understand it at all. It’s to the point where family functions on his side of the family are uncomforatable, and I feel bad about that. I know it puts my DH in a bad spot. I have tried reaching out to the niece 2 years ago, and she never responded. I have tried to stand up for myself here and there. DH said that he feels like I don’t want to go to any functions anymore, and I said everyone is nice to you, and certain people completely ignore me, despite my efforts. I told DH that I wish he would stick up for me sometimes. He was so mad last night, so he texted his niece telling her to stop calling me names, talking about me behind my back, etc. I did not want him to do this, and told him that I didn’t want him to send tha text to her. I’m not looking to cause more of a rift between us all. She responded to him saying she has NEVER said anything mean about me to anyone, ever. I know it’s not true, as I have facts from a few co-workers that are friends with her, saying that she has said some mean things about me.
It’s NOT the words that they say that bother me, I think it’s the fact that DH has not stood up for me once, but he says he doesn’t see it, and they don’t say mean things about me to him. Well obviously they aren’t going to. She sent me a text last night saying how she’s not going to play these petty high school games, and that she’s never said anything bad about me. I have not responded to her text, and I won’t, I don’t want to get into more of an arguement with her. That’s not what I’m looking to do. She still claims she has never said anything bad about me, and I know she’s lying. I know 100% she has. My family is NOT perfect by any means, but I can assure you they have never been mean to DH, have always welcomed him, and if I ever found out they were talking about him behind our backs, I would confront them in a nice way. I guess I’m hurt that he hasn’t stood up for me. It’s SO obvious the tension at family functions. I can’t change the fact they don’t like me, how I look, how much I weigh, etc. I’m not going the change for them.
DH says I’m being too sensitive. This is causing a huge rift in our marriage, as he wants a separation.I really want to make our marriage work.
He was SO upset last Sat, we did not have a good weekend. Long store short, his EX’s family, aunt and uncle were really good friends with my DH even after DH and his ex broke up years ago. I never met them. The Aunt came to our wedding, but not the Uncle. my DH has talked about them through out our marriage, saying he was always really close to them. The uncle commited suicide 1.5 years ago, and it really hit my DH hard. The Aunt texted my DH on Sat saying that the Uncle really loved my DH, and thanking my DH for being there for them. My DH started tearing up. I didn’t really know what to say, so I just rubbed his back, and said I’m sorry. DH told me last night that I have never hurt him as bad as I did on Sat, because he said I didn’t recognize his feelings, and that I don’t care bc it’s his EX’s family. He said he regrets not going to see them since we’ve been together, because he knew I would be upset. He’s never brought up the fact that he’s wanted to see them since we’ve been together.
Also, my DH said that he thinks I’m just trying to ward everyone off, that I want DH all to myself. It’s not true. Before me, my DH did whatever he wanted to, had friends stop over anytime, any day, any hour, etc. His buddies still come over frequently, and I’m fine with that. BUT, last summer one “friend” was coming over on average 5-6 days a week, interrupting dinner, and staying for 4,5,6, sometimes every weekend, all day. DH thought there was nothing wrong with this. When I stated getting upset, DH blamed me, saying that I’m trying to ward off all his friends. This friend does not come around much anymore.
It’s like with my DH and his friends, no one has any boundaries. There is also a married couple that was coming over 2-3 times a month, on Sundays ususally from 10am-8pm. The husband would go hang out with my DH, and the wife would come inside and all she wanted to do was talk in the kitchen. So I would have to stay in the kitchen all day to please her. I couldn’t get much done, or do anything I wanted/needed to do ona sunday. I expressed how I felt to DH and again, he was sooo upset with me, saying I’m selfish, etc. I don’t know how to handle our relationship anymore, and I don’t want to lose him despite him telling me he wants to separate, and doesn’t know if he wants to be with me anymore. I’m heartbroken.
Also, my DH doesn’t really have a great relationship with his family, his dad, mom, brother etc. They all take advantage of my DH, and DH is upset EVER day about it. THis has been going on since I met DH. They only call DH when they need something, and DH is bothered by that. I have nicely said a few things here and there about making some changes in life, and maybe setting some boundaries, but he’s trying to hard for his family to “like” and “accept” him. His family’s life revolves around the grand kids, which is fine. They don’t really see us too much, because it’s out of their way, etc. My DH won’t talk to them about how he feels, he is just upset about it every day. He said I don’t understand, and I”m not taking his feelings into consideration. I just don’t know how to help him with these same issues, since my DH doesn’t want to make any changes. He’s just very hurt that he feels his family doesn’t like him.
Any advice would be helpful, but please be kind.