(Closed) Possible Divorce, Really Could Use Advice

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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mbrinzo :  The friends thing has been better lately I guess, but it’s hit or miss. Sometimes we don’t see this certain couple for weeks, then we see them for two sundays in a row. I like some of his friends, but I still think they need some boundaries. 

It seems like a lot of your problems could be solved by communicating.  If your husband sees friends two sundays in a row and you don’t want to, well just do your own thing. Why is that not an option? 

Post # 19
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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mbrinzo :  Okay but you still don’t have to stay in and chat all day if you don’t want to. Why don’t you go out? 

Post # 21
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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mbrinzo :  No my suggestion is why don’t you go out alone.  Your problem here isn’t the friends, your husband is clearly inviting them over and hosting the husband.  I’m not sure what you expect to come out of this situation if you don’t say anything.  I see one couple almost every Sunday from morning until evening, it’s not inconsiderate because I want to see them though.  Have you said you don’t want them in the house?  Why not ask your husband to visit them if you don’t want to have them over and then you can stay at home while he’s out? 

Post # 22
Member
3057 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

It sounds like he threw in the towel already. You can go to therapy which may make it feel like the two of you “tried”. But, if he is done I wouldn’t beg him to stay. 

Post # 24
Member
9443 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I don’t really understand why you want to make this marriage work? You sound absolutely miserable. 

Post # 25
Member
793 posts
Busy bee

I does not sound like he is respecting your relationship or you… You have been married for 5 years why is she still on the paperwork? The fact he had a tantrum years ago and you are too scared to bring it up are huge red flags… From what you described your comforting of him when he was mourning EXs uncle was appropriate, I don’t see how you hurt him in any way… As to the SIL and niece, just ignore them back… My FH has friends over almost every day… It was an issue when they would pop by unannounced so we talked about it and he told them that they need to call first and they don’t come into the house, they go directly to the garage… I’m not expected to entertain them… Same with his couple friends, its my choice if I want to come out and visit with them.

Post # 26
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

It sounds like your husband has you walking on eggshells, afraid to bring up any of your concerns for fear of separation and divorce. Is this any way to live? This is how he controls the situation — by shutting you down and playing the victim.

My ex husband had similar traits. His friends and co-workers always came before me. If I objected, I was being unreasonable and was embarrassing him. When we visisted friends of his in his hometown, I had no say in what we did because his friends came first. He actually said to me, “you have no say in what we do. My friends decide that.”

His mom hated me becuase I was a different ethnicity than him. He would tell me not to make waves because it stressed him out. So, yeah, we divorced. I was terrified of divorce, too. It wasn’t my idea and I would have stayed with him and tried to work it out, but he wasn’t willing to. Now, I wish I hadn’t begged him to stay. I wish I hadn’t flinched at his declarations that he was “out” of the marriage. Honestly, he did me the biggest favor anyone could. I am with a man who puts me first now. Always. and I put him first. This is how it should be. You’re in a relationship with a man who thinks foremost of himself and wants to live a single life. Let him. You won’t be sorry for long.

Post # 27
Member
2165 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

His Ex is still on the bank accounts, the house? Does she have access to the accounts? I have never heard of that re bank accounts. I do know of a guy who kept his estranged wife’s name on their house, they separated against his wishes and he never moved on.

Your husband sounds like he doesn’t want to be married anymore. I actually think a separation isn’t a bad idea. It will give you space to figure out what YOU want. You may decide all his bullshit isn’t worth your staying in the marriage. 

If for some unknowable reason you still want him, a separation might make him miss you more. You will have more bargaining power against his family & friends. But I think you should move on.

Post # 28
Member
3057 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

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mbrinzo :  no, it’s not “all” your fault. When a relationship ends it a shared fault if any. But sometimes things run their course. (Unless someone cheats)

Post # 29
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“Why not ask your husband to visit them if you don’t want to have them over and then you can stay at home while he’s out?”

Because he will say that she is trying to estrange him from all his friends and threaten separation and divorce. That’s how he gets whatever he wants and controls her.

 

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