(Closed) Possible Divorce, Really Could Use Advice

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 32
Member
6340 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

He broke up with you for asking about getting his ex’s mail?! Are you serious? And now you’ve been married for 5 years and you’re afraid to even bring up his ex’s name???

Bee, I’m struggling to find what is actually GOOD and HEALTHY about this relationship…

Post # 33
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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mimivac :  I struggle to see how he can turn ‘could you go to theirs or out to a bar every other sunday?’ as her trying to estrange him from his friends.  I’m saying while he is also in the wrong about a lot of things, simply saying they come over too much does seem controlling, she could just ask him to go see them. 

Post # 35
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My first impressions of this, the whole issue with the niece and the SIL, are that this has not been handled properly.  This texting back and forth instead of talking face-to-face isn’t going to solve any issues.  I mean I have issues with one particular in-law…but my husband has never made me feel like it is my “fault” for causing them because it isn’t.  We actually have this “look” that we give each other any time we notice something haha.  If you want things to change you need to have a face-to-face conversation with these women.

I wanted to address the deeper issues here, the fact that she is still on his bank account and mortgage.  That is a big deal.  A VERY big deal.  That means that he never cut ties completely from her.  Think…she still has access to his money and still could come for half of the house since her name is still on it.  Legally she has more rights to his things than you do.  That is a big deal.  He is sitting here thinking about this ex’s family instead of working with you to find a solution to your issues with your in-laws.  What does that tell about his priorities?

I get that you are afraid of divorce and don’t want to divorce, however he is very obviously putting someone who should be in his past before you.  Her aunt and uncle, that whole situation…I was close with one of my ex’s aunts in particular, and even after we broke up she kept on suggesting that we catch up over coffee…but out of respect for my current relationship and now marriage, I was “busy”.  I told her “maybe next time” or “I have plans that day already”.  This doesn’t mean she wasn’t a nice person because she was, but I knew I needed to prioritize my relationship with my husband.

To me it sounds like he never was as into you as he was into his ex and her family.  I know that’s hard to hear but I think he’s using the whole sister-in-law and niece issue to say that he is done with this marriage.  I don’t know if he ever was fully 100% in with leaving his ex on both his bank accounts AND his mortgage.  I would have a very serious talk with him to see where his head is at and if counselling is indeed an option for the two of you.  Unfortunately I would also say it’s important to be prepared for anything.

Post # 36
Member
2527 posts
Sugar bee

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mbrinzo :  NO!! Stop saying that! You are NOT the problem and you didn’t do anything wrong or unreasonable. It sounds to me like someone/something has gotten into your husband’s head and his attitude toward his marriage has altered. It isn’t necessarily anything you did because when that happens and your partner has one foot out the door, ANYTHING you do is going to be wrong. “YOU LEFT THE COFFEE MACHINE ON. AGAIN!! THIS ISN’T GOING TO WORK OUT!” Don’t fall into the trap of beating yourself up for wanting better things from your life/marriage. I do not want to spent 8-9 hours with MY OWN friends – much less my SO’S friend’s wife! So, why should you need to sit there weekend after weekend and not say a word about it? It wasn’t wrong to voice your displeasure. He is unhappy and making up a ton of silly excuses to part ways. Let him go and have his quiet time. You cannot fix it once someone has mentally checked out.

Post # 37
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Unless you’re leaving something major out, I am getting the vibe that your husband might still privately be hung up on his ex. His reactions to anything having to do with his ex just make no sense. He wants to separate because of “what you did” last Saturday when he was upset about his ex’s uncle’s death? By your account, you rubbed his back and said “I’m sorry.” That seems….a wholly appropriate reaction. But he wants to separate over it? What kind of reaction was he looking for from you on Sat?

Also he broke up with you for several days because you wanted to do something about the fact that his ex’s mail was still coming to his house all the time? What the fuck? That’s a completely reasonable request.

Seriously…unless you’re omitting something major here, this all adds up to your DH being unhinged and still having feelings for his ex, along with a host of other issues. It honestly sounds like you can’t do anything right in his eyes. It seems like communication between you two is impossible so I am at a loss how this can be salvaged unless he’s willing to seek counseling. Really sorry bee.

Post # 38
Member
32 posts
Newbee

His behavior is not your fault. I once had an ex-boyfriend punch a whole in the wall while we were arguing and then blamed me. “YOU’RE THE ONLY PERSON WHO’S EVER MADE ME THIS ANGRY!” Sure, but I didn’t shove his fist into the sheetrock.

This is what your husband sounds like to me. I’m sure you are not perfect; no one is. However, it seems apparent that he has beaten you down so much emotionally that you’re struggling to even identify what you really feel, what you think and what you know. And I don’t blame you — when someone spins everything and blames you for everything for years, it’s extremely difficult to not believe them after a while. 

I suggest you find a therapist and attend individual counseling. Perhaps you can find a therapist who offers a sliding scale, or if not, is it possible to budget for at least 2-4 sessions? I think this will be so valuable to you.

As for your husband, he sounds like he’s struggling and projects all of his pain onto you. I would not want to live with someone as you described your husband. From what you write, he demonstrates such little insight, I’d feel like I was married to a toddler. Has he ever been physically violent with you? Does he drink? Self-medicate in someway? His lack of adaptive coping skills worries me. 

Good luck, bee. You are stronger tha you think.

Post # 39
Member
2165 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

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mbrinzo :  No absolutely not, the problem isn’t you. Your husband is making you think it is, that is part of mental and emotional abuse. Do not accept it. 

Post # 40
Member
13552 posts
Honey Beekeeper

H sounds like an immature, irrational, threatening, controlling, inconsiderate, manipulating gaslighter with anger issues. His treatment of you has all the  elements of emotional abuse. 

Counseling or divorce. 

Post # 41
Member
8602 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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mbrinzo :  No the problem is not you! Its sad thats really what you think. You DH has no respect or  loyalty for you, dumps you on a dime and still here you are wondering if its you. You need therapy, really. Without him. It sounds like you have really low self esteem to be honest. You dont think you deserve to be treated better.

Post # 42
Member
10286 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

He seems desperate to find fault with you, which makes me wonder if he’s cheating on you or there’s some issue with the ex. 

Even if he’s not, he’s a horrible husband who doesn’t even treat you with the courtesy of a roommate. 

Why do you want to work this out? What says marriage about this situation? 

 

Post # 43
Member
371 posts
Helper bee

I’m so confused. Why on earth would his ex’s name still be on bank accounts?? Why is his brother’s name on your bank accounts?? 

There is no way in hell any of his would fly with me. 

What is his reasoning for still having her name on the bank account and house? If you’re afraid to even bring his up to him that is not a good sign. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this, bee. 

Post # 44
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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mbrinzo :  his ex co-owns the house “on paper” and you’re not an owner? Deal-breaker. He won’t stand up for you? Deal-breaker 2. His response to your asking to do something about his exes mail, or getting your stuff from your ex, is to blow a gasket and break up? Big fat deal-breaker 3. I’m so sorry you wasted years of your life on him, but you’re an adult and surely you know there are men who can treat you nicely and send you sweet texts and NOT make your life miserable at the same time. Maybe they’re not in the majority, but there are lots of decent guys, really there are.

Take a deep breath,  maybe you’re being handed an opportunity and you should seize it! 

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