(Closed) Possible lie?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
7558 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

My guess is that he’s lying, given that he used to chew before he met you. He probably senses that you’d be livid if you caught him doing it, so he’s made up this ridiculous story to cover his tracks.

If this is true, it’s definitely disappointing, but I think it’s something you can work through. You just need to communicate about it. Leaving your home to sleep elsewhere over this seems a bit dramatic to me. Don’t let this blow up into a huge thing…honestly I think that will only make him more prone to secrecy. Instead, sit down and have a direct, honest conversation about it. Tell him you just want him to be truthful with you and go from there. 

Post # 3
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

He’s definitely lying – when you hear hoofprints, don’t look for zebras.  He’s just trying desperately to cover his tracks. 

If I were you I’d pull the old parent move on him – “I’m upset that you’re dipping, but I’m much MORE upset that you felt like you had to lie about it.”

Post # 4
Member
7552 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think there’s  a huge difference between someone lying about something hurtful (cheating, siphoning off money, etc) and lying about a personal health/hygiene habit (smoking, non-addicted people downplaying their drinking, etc), and I think you should really come to terms with these differences before you carry the discussion with your husband any further. You shouldn’t be heartbroken or sick even if he’s started actually dipping, and not wanting to sleep in the same house with him is a rather extreme reaction. 

Don’t get me wrong; I think dipping is gross too. And I’m not sure I buy the psoriasis excuse (but if that’s what he’s doing and he believes it helps him, fair play). But your husband is an imperfect person, just like you are, and everyone else in the human race, and we all do things that are gross or  not good for our health or wasteful or dumb, and it’s almost never a reflection on our partners.  But if you make this about you, and not about a bad habit, then it becomes a relationship issue, which is honestly much bigger than it should be. 

What I’d do— I’d tell him that if he is using the dip to help his psoriasis, he should feel comfortable doing it in front of you just like any other over-the-counter treatment, and if he’s using it as actual dip, that you understand it’s addictive and ask if there’s anything you can do to help him quit. 

Post # 5
Member
5763 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

The fact that you describe yourself as “heartbroken” when you discover it’s tobacco, before you even spoke to him, gives us an insight into why he felt the need to lie. 

Are you going to leave him over this habit?  Other wise you’re going to need to come around and accept that he can make him own decisions.  Feeling sick and not wanting to sleep in the same house sound quite dramatic.  

Post # 6
Member
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I’d be more upset that he went behind your back, than the fact he’s dipping. On the other hand, I understand why you’d feel substance use/abuse is a dealbreaker for you.

It sounds like he needs help quitting. In my experience, dip is a social thing among men, he’s going to have to be willing to hang around less with people/places where the cans come out for a time; or, commit to finding the strength to walk away and say No. That’s going to be his first battle in quitting, and where he’ll need the most support.

Post # 7
Member
412 posts
Helper bee

I was in a VERY similar situation, minus the using it for his disease… my Fiance was doing it just to do it. Long story short.. we got in a fight and I think out of spite, that’s when he admitted he was chewing and had been. I actually posted on the bee about it too. 

My dad chews, people in my area chew, its common.. I say it doesn’t *bother* me but it does. I find it disgusting, but to each their own, but its just a more amplified disgust feeling when its with your signifcant other. I told him to quit and explained my reasons… in the end the question we both asked was – was I mad at him for the actual chewing or that he lied about it? At the end of the day, I decided I was more pissed he lied than that he did it. I wasn’t going to end our relationship over it. 

Similar to me and my Fiance, you need to have a talk with him and lay everything out on the table. Decide if this is going to be a dealbreaker for you or not. It does sound like he’s lying to you about using. My Fiance and I had a VERY long talk about it and I told him point blank I wanted him to quit and he was honest and said he would try, he said he didn’t want to say yes and promise he would because he didnt know if he would be sucessful and that was enough for me, at least it was an effort. Keep in mind you cannot make your husband quit, he has to want to on his own. Just be extra persuasive, I mean I made comments like “I want to kiss you when we’re old” or “did you know you could get cancer/your mouth removed?” things like that. He knew it was a bad habit and I think was ashamed, so we just worked together and I remained encouraging for him to quit… he hasn’t chewed since.  

Post # 8
Member
5082 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

I did a quick search about nicotine/tobacco and psoriasis and everything I saw suggested that smoking/chewing can make psoriasis worse, not better. So whether he’s chewing it or putting it on his hands, he may be making his psoriasis worse. 

The lie is tough. It’s likely he’s trying to quit and was hoping to quit quietly without you finding out he was ever using it. No harm, no foul. It’s very difficult to quit nicotine, so relapses happen. I think that it’s worth a conversation to talk to him about how you don’t judge him for using dip, but that you want him to be honest with you about it. 

Post # 9
Member
2859 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

He’s lying. My DH chews from time to time. He has lied to me about it before because he knows I am opposed to it. 

I hate that he lies and that he uses tobacco. However, I wouldn’t call it “heartbreaking.” I try not to police him on the tobacco. He knows I’m opposed. He stops for periods of time and then goes back to it. He thinks it is a dirty, unhealthy habit but he’s also addicted to it. 

I just don’t police it so that he doesn’t feel like he has to lie. Hopefully, DH will stop for good one of these days. I don’t want him to get cancer, but he is an adult and makes his own choices. 

I think this is common in relationships. I loved my grandfather dearly and he was an amazing, honest person. However, he would occasionally sneak a cigarette. My grandmother knew it–we all knew it. It’s bad, but there can be so many worse things in relationships. Just because your DH lied about this doesn’t mean he’s a bad or dishonest person. 

Post # 10
Member
2403 posts
Buzzing bee

He’s lying. And not to excuse it, but the fact that you’re “heartbroken” and don’t want to sleep in the same house as him, makes me totally understand why he would lie in the first place. That’s a MAJOR overreaction.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him. He shouldn’t have lied to you about tobacco use. But you should both be fostering a relationship where openness and honesty is paramount, and that means you can’t be “heartbroken” and threatening to leave home whenever he does something you don’t like. There’s room for improvement on both sides here. 

Post # 11
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I don’t think it’s fair to call heartbroken a major overreaction. I would be heartbroken if I caught Fiance dipping. He knows how strongly I’m against it, knows I wouldn’t have agreed to marry him if he was doing it, and knows about how I lost a close family member from the issues with their tobacco addiction. At the end, it was not pretty.

Dip is more than gross, or an annoying habit. Dip is something that leads to cancer. It’s something that ruins the mouth, gums, tongue, and teeth. It’s just as bad as smoking. I used to work in an imaging clinic and I met many dying from mouth cancer, and saw what it did to them, and those who love them.

Post # 12
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My brother dips and my SIL hates it. He tries not to do it but it helps him stay awake at his graveyard shifts. My husband dips from time to time too because it keeps him away from alcohol which he was addicted to. Is it my favorite habit? No but realistically he’s not doing it all day every day. Is there something going on with him that would make him do this? Stress? Work? It may be a coping mechanism and he’s hiding it because he doesn’t want to talk about the stressor and he knows it upsets you. I would just see if something is up, don’t even ask about the tobacco again just ask how he’s doing first. 

Post # 14
Member
7892 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Sounds like he’s lying to me too. I would emphasize the importance of the communication over whether he actually uses the stuff or not. I agree it’s a gross habit and an unhealthy one too, but he has to want to abstain for that to actually happen. 

Post # 15
Member
7558 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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ClaudiaKishi :  Lol I’m glad to see I wasn’t the only one puzzling over that metaphor! 🙂

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