(Closed) (Possible) MIL issues…

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1744 posts
Bumble bee

It’s only an issue if you let it become one.  Why do you care what she thinks?  She’s either wrong (and you’re already annoyed about this because you think she is wrong), or she’s right and, I’m guesing,  that will annoy you too – because she’s right.  OR you can let it roll off your back and say “I hope you’re wrong, but we’re not going to borrow trouble.  We’ll have to wait and see once we get there.”

Post # 3
Member
6261 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

View original reply
speciallittlecritter:  no changes whatsoever.

On the topic of your mother in law, though, there is no reason that you have to give credence to what she says. It sounds like she has your best interests at heart, and people can only really see things through what they themselves have experienced. As you said, there is a big difference between her relationship and yours. That doesn’t have to be a problem. Just ignore it when she says that.

Post # 4
Member
2542 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

We had a very rough first year but not because we couldn’t get along. Our wedding brought out the true colors for two of DH’s siblings and it was hard to shield ourselves from things that came out of nowhere. Our wedding day felt like any other day we were together (plus lots of fun and excitement ) but there were many challenges that were unexpected and unusual for us. Anyway, I think every couple goes through a transformation in the first year of legal marriage but it doesn’t have to be all about fighting.

Post # 5
Member
2676 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

How often do you see MIL? If it’s not all the time and you don’t live with her or anything, could you just minimize the amount of bickering/arguing you do in her presence? I get that’s how you guys communicate and it’s great if it works for you. But that style of communication can be uncomfortable for people who aren’t used to it and can lead to them drawing negative conclusions about your relationship. It sounds like that may be what’s going on here. 

Post # 6
Member
47427 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with the pp. She may have legitimate concerns because of your bickering. It’s not generally considered a healthy way to communicate.

What should you do about it? Nothing. Just smile and ignore.

Post # 7
Member
8991 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
speciallittlecritter:  She hears what sounds to her (and me, and probably most of the rest of the world) like arguing, and she’s trying to let you know that for MOST people, the first year of marriage is one of the hardest. It sounds like she’s trying to comfort you in advance, or prepare you for what may be a bumpy ride. You don’t have to “give credence” to it, just take it in the helpful spirit it’s intended. “Thank you. I’ve heard that. Hopefully we’ll have an easier time since we’ve been living together a while, but it’s good to be prepared.” Why is that hard?

Post # 8
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

Well, I think this might be one of those cases where you realize how others see your relationship, and decide to be more conscious of how you’re coming across. If you can’t keep it together in front of your parents without bickering or shouting at each other, that does not come across well. And I don’t think you should be that concerned with how her relationship started, because I think she does have a point, in that if you are fighting a lot before you get married, combining finances for the first time is not likely to improve that.

I’m not saying that your first year is doomed or whatever, and I get that it sounds judgy and annoying coming from her, but she’s really giving you the gift of letting you know that fighting in front of others is damaging to your reputation as a couple.

Post # 9
Member
2240 posts
Buzzing bee

The first year of marriage is hard for many couples, for many reasons. Not all of the reasons are bad; sometimes it’s just a matter of small differences that the couple, or just one person, didn’t or couldn’t anticipate. There’s no guarantee that yours will be hard, of course, but to dismiss that possibility just because you’ve been living with your fiancé for 2.5 years and figured some things out about how to communicate seems rather silly to me. It’s very naive, in my opinion. 

Your FMIL’s start to adult life and marriage may have been different than yours and may seem sheltered to you, but do you really think that she hasn’t seen many types of marriages over the years? She has. She’s seen the first year of marriage for several couples, most likely, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s telling you what she’s telling you because she’s seen the way you and your fiancé interact with each other before, in other couples. If you’ve said to her what you’ve written here about your relationship and how you don’t think things will change after marriage, then I’m not at all surprised that she keeps saying this to you. I think she’s trying to help you so that you’re not shocked by the changes that may take place.  

If you don’t want to listen to her, that’s fine, but I think you’re doing your future marriage a disservice by dismissing the very real possibility that marriage, especially the first year, may very well be different from your relationship with your fiancé thus far. 

I’m not saying any of this to scare you or anything, it’s just that I’ve heard so many other people say the same things you have about your relationship, and, lo and behold, when they get married and things are different, they’re shocked. It happens all the time. 

Post # 12
Member
11391 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
speciallittlecritter:  I’m sorry you are feeling judged by her, and from your updates I gather there is more going on here with her than you’ve expressed here. I think PP has given good examples of kind respectful ways to shut her down. 

But.

please take this in the spirit it’s intended, and that is to help you and your partner be the most successful couple you can be. Sarcasm is a predictor of divorce according to some marriage experts. It can signal contempt, even when that isn’t where you’re coming from.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-6-things-that-predict-divorce/

I think it’s fair to say the two of you could be willing to try to cut down on the sarcasm and see where it goes. the worst thing that happens is you add a tool to your marriage toolbox, and that’s never a bad thing. 

Good luck bee. 

Post # 13
Member
9684 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

 I wouldn’t say I’m 100% dismissing it, there will be some adjustments for us (he’s still a virgin, for instance), but I don’t think it’s going to be this huge, jarring change.

Hope not indeed OP, not easy when  one person is socially and sexually experienced and the other is a virgin after two and half years of living together . It kind of argues very different values , (unless the non-virgin person has undergone a big change  already that is.)

 

Post # 14
Member
1282 posts
Bumble bee

With all due respect, I’ve never known a couple that play-bickered just for the hell of it.  Granted, no one knows the ins and outs of your relationship, but if I saw a couple that acted like you describe you and your Fiance do, well, I’d honestly be concerned too.  People judge you based on what they see, not what they cannot.

Sarcasm generally has truth behind it.  Actually, I think many people hide the truth by saying “oh, I was just being sarcastic”.  I have trouble deciphering whether or not something is sarcastic or not so I can see where your future Mother-In-Law can have trouble.

Just because your Future Mother-In-Law had a different life than you did doesn’t mean she’s wrong about the first year of marriage.  I mean, out of the two of you, she’s the only one that’s been married.  For some couples it’s really hard, for others not so much.  I’ve seen very strong couples have a very tough first year together and other couples that I didn’t think were as strong, breeze through it.  There are things that will come up that you may or may not be prepared for.  I don’t think she was trying to sound like a know it all (based on what you wrote) but is genuinely concerned based on what she has seen.

It sounds like there’s a lot more going on and you’re picking the first year of marriage point to focus on.  But if you’ve been together this long you have to know she’s not going to change and you have to be the one to nod your head and smile if you feel she’s overstepping her bounds (again, from what you wrote, it doesn’t sound like it).  Picking your battles is more important than ever once you’re married.

Post # 15
Member
3064 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

View original reply
redmango:  +1

Also OP just because you live together first doesn’t mean you are immune from adjusting after marriage. My DH and I lived together for 3 years pre wedding and still had a lot of adjustments after being married. We actually did have a rather rough year of marraige ( we also had major stressful things happen,Father-In-Law almost dying , our dog almost dying and needing an expensive emergency surgery ect)

If her thoughts bother you , ignore them. But maybe they are bothering you so much because you see a little bit of truth behind it? Are you going to do pre marital counseling?

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