(Closed) (Possible) MIL issues…

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 16
3302 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You’ve been living together for years and he’s still a virgin? I know that the save it for marriage crowd is going to chap my hide, but that is an enormous red flag. Arguing either for play or for real makes other people very uncomfortable. Your Mother-In-Law likely sees things that concern her. Stop worrying about being “judged” and listen with an open mind. 

Post # 17
380 posts
Helper bee

I can see how it might be really annoying to have Mother-In-Law say that all the time, but with your update I think she might be right. I agree with a lot of the PP’s. Sex adds a whole other bunch of issues. Your initial post was misleading. You made it sound like nothing is going to change except the legal nature of your relationship, when this is not the case at all. It might not be bad, but there MAY be issues you were unable to foresee.

Also, I agree about the “play” bickering. If it happens all the time, I’d assume this indicates some underlying tension that is going unaddressed, and that the people themselves may be unaware of. Of course, I don’t know you or your relationship… 

Post # 18
4499 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you guys haven’t had sex, then you have no idea if you are sexually compatible.  That very well COULD be a jarring change. I’m not judging your choice,  but I guess I just don’t see the harm in going in expecting it to be a big change. If you’re wrong, Nbd.  If you’re right, you’re prepared.

Post # 19
2758 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

View original reply
doberman:  I agree it’s an enormous red flag!

And yes we may get flack from the more conservative group but different sex drives, post -marriage revelations about preferences, fetishes, turn ons, etc are a very real possibility. 

As for the funny bickering I agree with PPs, it’s usually a sign of underlying tension and I’d be very concerned about watching my son and future DIL constantly interact like that too! However, if it works for you guys then at least try to cut back on it when you’re in her presence so as to not make her uncomfortable and give her cause for worry (AND cause for her wanting to help you!).

Post # 20
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

As PP said, throwing sex into the dynamics of your relationship for the first time will likely be a HUGE transition. One person might have a higher libido than the other, one person might have different kinks than the other, etc…there are so many ways in which you will have to adjust as a couple. I’m not saying this to scare you, but rather to prepare you for what you might encounter. It is naive to assume that literally nothing is going to change for you guys once you’re married.

Even if you weren’t waiting for sex, many people – myself included – do experience a bit of a shift in the relationship once they’re married. It’s hard to put my finger on it, but it definitely made things feel much more serious – every fight was a little scarier at first because I felt like, “Oh gosh, well we HAVE to work through this properly because we’re in this for life, dammit.” We’re about five months in now and are very happy, but I understand how “the first year is the hardest” can hold true…it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a miserable time or that it’s all bad, but people often do experience a transition period that has unique challenges. My parents have been married over 31 years, and they agree that the first year for them was really really rough.

Don’t take your FMIL’s (legitimate) advice too personally, and definitely try not to “fake bicker” as much in front of her or others.

Post # 21
3681 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I think it’s the first year of living together that’s the hardest, not the first year of being married.  We’d already lived together for six years before our wedding, so we already had our differences all worked out.

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