(Closed) Possible trigger warning – how many bees here are child free by choice?

posted 9 months ago in No Kids
  • poll:

    Child free by choice

    I want kids/have kids/trying to have kids

    Not sure yet!

  • Post # 76
    Member
    15528 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

     She is, after all, currently child free, by choice.  Just because she is open-minded enough to acknowledge that some people do change their minds, however unexpectedly, doesn’t negate her present day lifestyle.

    Except that’s not how the CFBC label works.  It’s not a “present day lifestyle” it’s a life choice.  Of course some people may truly believe they are, and then one day change their mind, but if there’s already doubt and open mindedness to changing their mind, then they aren’t considered cfbc.  I mean, I didn’t want to have kids until I was 32, but I wouldn’t give myself the cfbc “for now” label.  There’s no “cfbc for now”.  I was never cfbc just cause I didn’t want them right then and there,  i just hadn’t had kids yet. 

    Post # 77
    Member
    2374 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2019

    I imagine that the discussions about money and travel ARE helpful for fence sitters, if those are two of their considerations. Knowing that your life isn’t over and you can still travel may help them make a decision. Knowing that you can still take steps to be financially secure may help them make a decision. On the flip side, they’re clearly not helpful to people who have come down on either side of the fence.

    Also, the people I feel the worst for in all of this are those who aren’t fence sitters, but change their minds. It happens both ways. A good friend of mine was staunchly CFBC, now she’s excitedly considering going for kid number three. My best friend talked about how desperately she wanted kids from ages 18-30, then a flip switched and she’s staunchly CFBC. They both get so many annoying comments from literally everyone. 

    Post # 78
    Member
    816 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    @yogahammy:  Reading comprehension — I didn’t say your opinion on the use of the term is what caused the downward spiral of this thread, but your us vs. them attitude absolutely contributes to it. 

    The women you cite who don’t get flack for being CFBC are a vast minority.”  Now, how could you POSSIBLY know that???  Do you know every single CFBC woman in the entire world?  No.  You know the ones in your circle and you know the ones who spend time on CFBC boards bitching about how oppressed they are.  Please don’t presume to speak for the rest of us. 

    And by the way, just so you’re aware, you’re spending your time fighting with people who aren’t even here.  There is not one single parent who has responded to this thread who has given you flack for your choice in not having children.  Nobody here cares whether you have children or not – the bees are not the enemy you so militantly guard against, so you may want to stop acting as if they are and grouping them all into the same category of people who are chastising you.  They may have given you flack for your use of talking points that THEY find offensive, but they’re not giving you flack for not having kids.  They don’t care. 

    Post # 79
    Member
    1237 posts
    Bumble bee

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    @cart:  The only militant one here is you, honey. I’m being very measured and reasonable in my responses. Can’t say the same for you.

    Post # 80
    Member
    15528 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    View original reply
    @dianaj17:  Also, the people I feel the worst for in all of this are those who aren’t fence sitters, but change their minds. It happens both ways. 

    I think this actually makes it harder for the CFBC group.   In a world where having kids is the “norm” and expectation, if you change your mind from CF to having kids, you just get the “see, i told you so, aren’t kids great,” etc etc and now you’re part of the majority.   If you are still trying to convince people your CFBC and that’s final, they get the,  “but so and so said that and they have kids now and love it.  Just you wait, you’ll change your mind when you get older!”

    Post # 81
    Member
    7977 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    So now we’re arguing about how much having children DOESNT effect your $$$ and how the definition of CFBC isnt actually the definition? Being a fence sitter is NOT being CFBC…they are distinctly different. And for whoever thinks you dont have extra money not having kids….wtf is wrong with your basic math skills??

    Post # 82
    Member
    358 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2018

    Wow, so I’m going to apologize for mislabeling myself as CFBC. I wasn’t aware that saying that would ruffle so many feathers. Don’t get me wrong, I’m constantly badgered about when I’m going to have kids and I absolutely hate it. The thought of having a kid is absolutely dreadful to me. I also think I’d make a terrible mother for a multitude of reasons that I won’t get into here. I am aware enough, however, to know I am human and have the capability to change my mind. If that makes me a fence-sitter, then I am a fence-sitter. So I apologize to the CFBC community for calling myself CFBC. 

    Post # 83
    Member
    816 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    @sgmcdowe:  Your post perfectly illustrates what I said before about lack of self awareness.  Oppressed….please, that’s hilarious, dramatic much?  And judged?  Perhaps, by those in your circle who berate you but please consider that some of the phrases used here by the CFBC are absolutely judging people who DON’T choose your lifestyle.  It’s one thing to say I am child free and love my life choices; it’s entirely another to say I’m CFBC because I like my body and want to keep it that way…..come on, you don’t see how a mom with a few pounds can take that as a slight dig?  Or, I’m happy to be CFBC so I can travel…..but the minute someone corrects you to say they travel all the time with their kids, you get completely defensive as if to say they’re criticizing your reasons for not having kids.  They’re not — they couldn’t care less — they’re criticizing your assumption that people with kids can’t travel, or your JUDGMENT that their type of travel (w/ kids to Disney or whatever) isn’t travel at all, is lame, is still not as cool as you are.  Congrats on being cool.  Still nobody cares. 

    There are some on both sides of this debate who are oblivious to their tone and to the impact of their words or how others may take them.  The same people who claim to be ostracized their entire lives (again, let’s not be dramatic) have no qualms about judging soccer moms and belittling that lifestyle as being completely beneath them or implying people with kids are harming the environment or whatever else they come up with.  There’s as much of a hidden message in all of that as the implications that CFBC claim are hurled at them every day. 

    Post # 84
    Member
    2374 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2019

    View original reply
    @pinkshoes:  oh, absolutely. My now-CFBC (former wannabe parent) gets a lot of shit too, though. I totally understand why so many people keep their plans close to the vest, because god forbid you change your mind, people just can’t leave it alone (whether it’s being smug that a CFBCer changed their mind, or upset that your now-CFBC kid is no longer planning to give you grandkids). 

    View original reply
    @jellybellynelly:  I don’t think anyone is claiming that having kids won’t impact your finances. People without kids can make terrible financial decisions, and people with kids can make really wise ones. I think everyone who passed 2nd grade math knows “more life forms to support means less money”, but there’s a difference between that being a deal-breaker or not. I know people of all income levels who have made kids work. Someone who wants kids, or who is a fence sitter weighing their options, may benefit from knowing “kids don’t have to bankrupt you.” If you don’t want kids, it doesn’t matter if they cost $5 a month or $5000 a month, you’re not going to find that extra expense worth it, and you’ll view that money as much better spent elsewhere. Nothing wrong with that! 

    Post # 85
    Member
    3157 posts
    Sugar bee

    View original reply
    @cart:  I say this as a parent, one who very much wanted to be a parent: you’re the one coming off as insanely insecure and defensive about your choices.

    I can’t believe we’re still talking about the travel thing. If  CFBC person doesn’t like the thought of traveling with kids, THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Why are you triggered by that? Why do you feel the need to say, “well i like traveling with kids.” I mean do you act this way in other areas of life? If someone mentions their favorite color is blue, and yours is red, do you feel the need to launch into a speech about why red is so great? 

     it’s entirely another to say I’m CFBC because I like my body and want to keep it that way…..come on, you don’t see how a mom with a few pounds can take that as a slight dig?

    Uh, no. I gained 40 lbs with my first and barely recognized my body for a long time there after I had my baby. That’s part & parcel of going through pregnancy and childbirth. If a CFBC person says they don’t want to go through that, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. Good on them! Who gives a shit?

    Post # 86
    Member
    84 posts
    Worker bee

    View original reply
    @cart:  Oh okay, so you get to call me dramatic after people have told me I’m not a real woman, I’m going to hell, etc? After the government actively rewards those who have kids and not those who don’t? I don’t know how anyone could be delusional enough to think “I don’t want kids because I don’t want my body to change” is anywhere near as offensive as “You can’t know real love until you have kids.” Because that’s one that I get quite regularly.

    How can you possibly say I’m being dramatic when you haven’t lived a day in the life I have? CF women are absolutely oppressed and absolutely ostracized. I could give you countless examples just from my own experiences. Please point out where I’ve judged parents? You seem to be arguing against things I never even said.

    If anyone here is lacking self awareness it’s you. Your posts reek of victim blaming. You can think we aren’t victims all you want, that doesn’t change our lived experiences. How about maybe listening to the things I’m telling you instead of gaslighting me and dismissing my actual experiences?

    Post # 87
    Member
    7977 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    View original reply
    @dianaj17: That seriously wasn’t the tone that poster was writing with. And sure, most people can “make it work” financially, but thats hardly the same as not having kids and either keeping 2 incomes and having 0 child expenses, nor the same as having one spouse leave the workforce (potentially hundreds of thousands of dollars impact over the years). I’m also still not sure why youre arguing with me about bringing it up? Good for you if you want to “make it work” financially, I’m guessing the people in this thread who brought it up prefer to be a little better off, and not having kids absolutely helps us get there. 

    Post # 88
    Member
    10306 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    Just popping by to say hi and knew you all would be in this thread 😂

    Support to all my CFBC bees tho 

    Post # 89
    Member
    2374 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2019

    View original reply
    @jellybellynelly:  I apologize if my post came across as rude or argumentative, as I certainly don’t agree with the perspective of the original person who brought it up and that wasn’t at all my intention. I think that the format of this poll in the “no kids” board (despite the OP asking for input from people who want kids and people on the fence) makes it unclear what people should discuss. People who want kids won’t be swayed by the reasons CFBC people give, CFBC people won’t be swayed by the reasons people who want kids give, but there’s a big wide world of fence-sitters who clearly do have some thinking to do, so hearing both perspectives can be beneficial. At the end of the day, I suspect that both parties have a hard time grasping true fence sitters…as someone who wants kids for no reason other than I want kids, I can easily understand why someone simply doesn’t want them…money, travel, those are all superfluous to that core desire. 

    Post # 90
    Member
    851 posts
    Busy bee

    I’m not fat because I had kids, I’m fat because I eat too much. I actually competed in a bikini comp a year after having my second child and I looked hawwwwt hahaha 

    Lighten up everyone, it’s Monday!

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