(Closed) Possibly breaking up…..

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

No. Not crazy. Pack those teenagers in the car and take them with you to your side of the family. 

Post # 4
Member
6824 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

You are neither, your Fiance needs to realize that you and him need to make your own traditions if you are to remain together. With his children being close to adults they soon will have someone their own lives are are not going to want to spend Christmas with dad any more.

That and he is not compromising and yo are bending over backwards. I would let him know how you feel that this year it can be this way however next year it either has to change or do a compromise since you two are together, it isn’t fair to you to have to give up your family for his every year

Post # 5
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2010

um, no way, you are NOT crazy. i could understand if his kids were young… but does he think you should never get to spend christmas eve or christmas day with your family again?

YOU are not making him choose between you and the kids. YOU gave him a compromise that allows him to choose BOTH you and his kids. HE is making you choose between his kids and your family. And that is not fair to you, not him.

Post # 7
Member
1614 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Why can’t all 4 of you go to your familys? & Why aren’t they going to see their mother on Christmas?

Post # 9
Member
2548 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Why not just split up for Christmas, you go your way, and your fiance his.

Post # 12
Member
6824 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@speechgal44: Then it sounds like he is not taking your relationship seriously and is somehow maybe looking for an out.  Then again if his children are that age I assume he is older and probably set in his ways and not used to doing something different for a holiday

Post # 14
Member
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I sympathize with your situation. Before I was married, I generally spent Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day hours away in another state with my family. Now that I am married to a man who shares custody of his two minor children with their mother, my life — of necessity — must revolve around the child-custody schedule.

This was a major anxiety for me prior to committing to spending my life with him, because I knew that the custody arrangement does not permit either parent to have the children for the entire holiday on Thanksgiving or Christmas.  Instead, both parents are required to split the actual day of the holiday, which makes it impossible to travel (my family lives about five hours away) until at least half of the holiday is over (so we can’t arrive until evening), or, if, we have the children for the first half of the holiday, we have to wait until the next custody period, which is several days after the holiday, and travel then. This situation definitely has meant a significant adjustment for me and my family of origin. (On the plus side, DH’s parents live in the same city as my parents, or I would have no idea how I would ever be able to be with Darling Husband on or near a holiday and still have a chance to see my family.)

Although only one of your FI’s children is a minor, and he or she will only be so for another year, it appears that your Fiance still plans to spend every Christmas Day with his children. Unless, as prior posters have suggested, he and his children are willing to share that time with you and your family, I do not see a clear path forward for you to be able to spend Christmas with both your Fiance and your family, unless your family is willing to come to you.

Although I agree with PPs that your Fiance is not being fair to you, he ultimately is free to choose to spend the holidays with his children instead of your family of origin. However, you also have every right to determine that this is unacceptable to you and that you cannot move forward with marriage under these conditions.

There is one thing your FI should consider. His children are not very young, and soon they will be wanting to spend some of their holidays with THEIR SOs families.  When that happens, your FI would be alone.  Does he really want to risk losing you now, over this issue? Or, instead, will he be willing to consider some type of reasonable compromise (every other year, taking the kids to spend the holiday with your family or every year traveling, with or without the kids, to be with your family the day after the holiday so that you could still your family)?

I hope you are able to find a reasonable compromise.

Post # 15
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t have much to add that hasn’t already been said, but just wanted to chime in and say I agree that he is being totally unreasonable – the fact that he thinks he needs to reconsider the relationship based on his selfish need for his family to always be thought of and accomodated for over yours is totally infuriating. If he wants to be with his kids in the afternoon, then great, then can come to your family’s party! But he needs to realize that as his wife you are also one of his main priorities, along wiht his kids, and he needs to be fair to both of your needs. It would be different if you were being unreasonable or making big requests but you’re not – what you’re asking for is totally basic and fair.

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