- 2 years ago
Hi, Bees! I am back after writing on here about 8 months ago, when my boyfriend of 7 years cheated on me by kissing someone else while traveling for work, not the first incident of this kind (I hope you can see my last post; I’m not sure how to tag it!). I was pretty confident I was going to leave him at this point, with cheating being the final straw of reasons. We had been together for seven years and, for all seven years, I waited for him to grow up, treat me with love and respect, and become the man I thought he had the potential to be. Within your responses, you all said it sounded like I knew what I wanted to do in my gut, I just needed the strength to do it. Well, to be honest, I didn’t have the strength at that time. I thought I did, but when it came down to ending things, moving out, never seeing his family again, etc, I simply couldn’t go through with it. I decided we could work on things as I decided what I wanted long-term.
Well, about one month after this incident, he proposed to me. Most likely out of fear of losing me. I was shocked with the timing, but said yes as we had been together for seven years. I didn’t have a pit in my stomach when it happened, but it also was not the feeling I had always hoped for. Since then, I have been having doubts about spending the rest of my life with him. I love him, but my gut is screaming at me that this is not right. I deserve better. He has worked to improve upon some the issues in our relationship, however there are some MAJOR things still lacking, which I don’t believe will ever be there. We are more like roommates than in a relationship. We sleep in the same bed and he cooks dinner while I walk the dog. He is extremely self-centered; I feel that I live in his world vs having a life together. We don’t share any common interests with how we like to spend our free time; I like to be outdoors, go hiking, try new restaurants, and get everything I can out of life, whereas he is always “too tired” and prefers to sleep late, lay on the couch watchung TV all weekend, etc. He never compromises so instead we spend our weekends apart basically. He can be extremely dismissive, never puts me first, I still do not fully trust him, etc. Something that should naturally be there simply is not. To top everything off, a few weeks after we got engaged, I met someone else who I am EXTREMELY compatable with naturally, treats me with respect and cares deeply about me. I have been very careful not to cross any lines, as I would never do to him what he did to me, however I now see that I don’t have to settle for someone who isn’t the best match for me and doesn’t treat me well. Whether it’s this new guy or someone else, I now see that I CAN find someone who I am naturally comptabile with without trying to force things, who is a best friend, supportive partner, and doesn’t make me feel insecure, unimportant, etc.
Our wedding date is less than 10 months away, and I am completely frozen with wedding planning because my gut stops me every time. We booked our venue two months after he proposed, and I haven’t been able to do a single thing since. The pressure it catching up to me. My family and closest friends know everything, and all of them felt relieved when I cried to them, because they do not feel I am marrying the right guy. They do not think he treats me well. I knew I needed to say something, so I had a talk with my fiance about two months ago, where I let him know how I was feeling (everything except the information about the guy I had met), and he was upset and did not agree. He has been trying more ever since, but as usual, his efforts slip after a few weeks and he resorts back to his old ways of not treating me well. His family keeps asking me what’s going on with wedding planning, when we can go dress shopping, etc and I know I need to make a decision. I can;t wait any longer or won’t have a choice but to postpone the wedding. I am pretty sure I want to end things, however I am paralyzed when trying to go through with it. I love him, but know I deserve better. I LOVE his family; they are my own after 7 1/2 years. We live together, have a dog together, etc and I KNOW that none of these are reasons to spend the rest of your life with someone you are unhappy with, however these are the hurdles currently preventing me from doing what I know I need to do.
Does anyone have advice on ending an engagement? How did you initiate the conversation? I still love him and it will KILL me to see him hurt, even though he has hurt me. Where did you sleep after ending things? For how long? What was moving out like (my biggest fear)? Did you contact his family directly to let them know, since you had such a close relationship with themfor so many years? Did you take time off of work? What was the worst part? When did it get better?
I am just looking for some support and advice as I know what I need to do, but don’t think I have the strength to go through with it and am afraid I may complacently live a life I’m not feeling fulfilled with.