(Closed) Possibly not inviting my brother

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@HappierKate: If you invite him would it be possible for your mom to “supervise” him throughout the wedding? You could even have him responsible for walking your mom down the aisle at the ceremony so he feels recognized and might not make as much of a scene?

That is a rough situation, but I think having him not be there might raise more questions (if your FI’s family knows you have a brother) than if he’s there.

Also, have you seen him recently? Are the classes helping? He’s got almost another year before the wedding as well.

I can see how this is really hard to be objective on this.

Post # 5
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@HappierKate: Hmmm… is there any way to compromise with your parents? Make the invite conditional on their supervision? Or is there a friend of his who could supervise and be his “plus 1”?

That is really rough and you definitely don’t want him scarring your FI’s younger siblings.

Post # 6
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I know where I live there are ton of community services to help support people with special needs. I wonder if you could find an agency that could buddy with him for the day(s) to ensure that he is acting appropriately. Many are volunteer agencies, but you might have to pay a fee to have support there. I had several friends who worked for one of these agencies, and sometimes the buddy was set like a big brother/big sister thing, and other times it was an ‘as needed’ service. That would allow your brother to attend the wedding, solve your parents issue with not wanting to supervise him, and allow your brother to enjoy the wedding while being managed in specific social situations.

Post # 7
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m in a similar situation…my dad has mental illness, and the last time he came to visit me in France it was a nightmare which I will not get into. Anyways, allegedly he has been treated partially and is doing better, although I do not know for certain since I am not living there and I tend to get mixed messages from everyone. The big thing for me is I could not live with not inviting him for the rest of my life. If it was possible I would hire a nurse or someone to watch after him, but considering the travel involved its much more expensive to do that…So my mom, sister, and her husband know to keep an eye on him, plus I’ve invited some of my mom’s friends for more support. I’m hoping it will all go ok, but there is a backup plan if it doesn’t. 

Talk to your parents about your concerns, and see if they can help you put a plan in place in case he does act up. I like the idea of hiring a friend or a professional to hang out with him for the evening, that way your parents can focus more on the wedding than babysitting your brother. 

Post # 8
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Just giving some perspective, as a mom whose daughter is autistic. She has a lot of issues with spacial boundaries, communication and socialization. She walks into people constantly, doesn’t like her head touched, has a lot of difficulty controlling how loud she is, sometimes you can’t get her to stop repeating (loudly) the same line from a commercial or movie over and over (and over and over). I know that she is getting help at a young age, but we’re also prepared for the fact that much of this behavior can and very well may carry over into her adult years. I don’t know what her social limits with people will be, but I know that we have hurdles to overcome.

I’d be heartbroken if her soon-to-be sibling did not invite her to their wedding, or any other family member. I know it’s your wedding day and you don’t want him to cause a scene. But this is your brother. His autism is not his fault, and trust me when I say he does understand what it means to be excluded. You can have someone supervise him, you can even bring in a professional, he can leave early if it becomes overwhelming as crowds and loud music often do. But please don’t cut him out entirely. Please be compassionate and understanding as his sister. And please consider for a moment that your parents were young parents once too with hopes and dreams about what kind of a life your brother would have, and have lived through the devastation of realizing how many roadblocks he is going to face every single day. Things you and I take for granted and can’t even imagine day to day. Please consider that many people treated their son like he didn’t belong or wasn’t welcome because of his autism. Don’t be one more person. Try to make it work.

*Off soapbox*

 

Post # 9
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@KatyElle: beautifully put!

I agree with @takemyhand: See if there is someone you can hire that will work with your brother before the event (going over proper behavior and topics of conversation in social setting, explaning what will happen if he misbehaves) and the day of the event. That person can calm him down, steer him away from bad situations and remove him if it gets bad. I would also make sure to have some place he can go when he gets too overwhelmed and just needs to collect himself (an office or hotel room, heck even a closet)

No one is judging you badly for your brother’s behavior. In fact, I think people will look kindly towards you for being so compassionate and loving your brother for exactly who he is. 

Post # 10
Member
4284 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I only read the OP’s post. My brother is the exact same way. He will definetly is invited to our wedding. I would never shun him do to his disabilities. My fiance actually asked him to be an usher. He was very stressed and worried he would sit someone on the wrong side but really wanted to wear a tux. So he will wear his tux and maybe pass out programs? I think you not inviting your brother is more because you don’t want to have him do something embarrassing. Hontestly you need to do some soul searching and decide if you are ashamed of him. I am not saying being related to someone with disabilities, especially someone like our brothers, is a cake walk but you have to treat him as you would want others to. You not inviting him is sending a message that it is okay to treat him differently. I hope I am not coming across to harsh.

Post # 12
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@HappierKate: I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult time with your brother. You really didn’t include a whole lot of info in your original post about the extent of your problems, and what you’re describing really isn’t typical autism or asperger’s, so I think people are just giving responses based on the limited information you provided.

In any case, I could never exclude my brother from my wedding without at least trying to work out some sort of solution, even if he’s just there for a half hour.

Post # 13
Member
7694 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@HappierKate: You definitely have time on your side to find someone you can hire or will be willing to supervise your brother.  Perhaps a family friend or acquaintance that knows him well enough will be willing or maybe an uncle?  If you are religious-maybe someone from your church? 

Post # 14
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Can you and your parents talk to him about his behavior? Tell your parents that a condition of his being invited is an honest discussion about the expectations of his behavior at your wedding, and if they don’t agree to that, then you won’t invite him.

We aren’t inviting FI’s dad’s brother (his only sibling) because he makes every family event an opportunity to insult others and draw attention to himself.

Post # 16
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You totally need to hire someone to supervise him. Talk to you local mental health group about someone who can shadow him.

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