- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
This is going to sound rambly but I could really use an outside perspective on this, so here it goes.
I am considering not inviting my brother to my wedding. I feel like the worst sister in the world, but there are good reasons not to.
He has been extremely manipulative in the past, to the point of being emotionally abusive. He has even been physically abusive (though not for many years) and he acts out whenever he isn’t the center of attention. To add to the problem, he’s on the very high-functioning end of the autism spectrum and doesn’t really understand how to navigate a lot of social situations. He doesn’t understand that children aren’t his peer group (he’s 22) so he has no qualms about acting out in front of kids; he’ll talk about suicide or the facts about “the birds and the bees” with children as young as 6 if he’s not supervised (fortunately an adult was around and able to intervene when he attempted the second subject, but still).
He’s been getting a lot better in the past few months about how he behaves and about not acting out when he wants attention. He’s gone to all of his adult education classes, he’s in a program to get a job, and he’s been taking his medication. At the same time, I still don’t trust him at this point.
My parents have never seen him as a threat and insist that I decide NOW to invite him. I don’t want them talking to him about the wedding because I don’t want him to get excited just to be let down if he’s not invited. It would kill my parents if we don’t invite him, but my Fiance and I are hosting a family event for two families coming together and that makes me responsible for my brother. There will be children there, including my future husband’s young siblings. Neither of us want those kids exposed to my brother as he is now.
On the other hand, I’m afraid I’m judging my brother too harshly. I’ve been doing this for so long it feels unreal to me and I have no idea what to do. I don’t trust myself to be fair to him. I don’t know how to deal with my parents or with the family members on the opposite spectrum who think he an NEVER be trusted ever again (I’m a believer in redemption if you earn it). This is my baby brother. It hurts to only see him as a threat and it’s torturous to not even know if that feeling is warranted. I don’t know if postponing this decision is a good idea or if I should decide now, but now I would say “definitely not” and my mom can’t take that right now because her dad just died so I can’t even make this decision now. I am thoroughly lost and I would appreciate any third-person perspective on this, because I’m so entrenched I can’t possibly be objective right now.