Post # 1
Think I’m just needing some positive vibes from you bees. You all are so awesome and insightful! As you probably remember, I ended it with my ex who was the 37 year old living at home who put me 2nd to his rap video editing hobby.
It has been 3 weeks and I have been working on me and doing my own thing. I went to visit my brother and his fiance over the new year for 5 days and had so much fun! I’ve been out on a few dates and getting myself back in the gym.
But for the last 2 nights I have broken down crying at night. I don’t know if it’s because I’m on my period that’s making me extra emotional or what, but this feeling of lonliness comes over me and all I think about is him and the good times we had. NO I AM NOT THINKING OR WANTING TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM.
I just can’t stop these thoughts from coming into my head. Last night was the worst – I was full on balling my eyes out for 30 minutes. It’s so frustrating. I just want to stop and move on completely. Ugh 🙁
Post # 2
sweetdee89 : Oh Bee, don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s only been 3 weeks. It’s going to take time!
I remember when my ex and I broke up. It was MY decision but we had been together off and on for about 5 years. It was ROUGH! Even around 6 months after the break up I still found myself thinking about him and sometimes crying in the shower. Then eventually…it stopped. I can’t tell you when or why. It just did. And I noticed one day I hadn’t even thought about him in a very long time.
It’ll happen for you too, you just have to give it time. You’re allowed to grieve. You’re allowed to feel sad. Just keep doing what you’re doing and focusing on you and you’ll get there! I promise.
Post # 3
I’m sorry bee… I can only share what worked for me.
Instead of “I’m sad because we broke up”… I broke it into all of the little worries that were on my mind. It’s terrible to face fears, but then I was able to react to each of those things in turn. Neutralizing them went something like this:
- I’m upset that I’m losing my plus-one (A shitty plus-one meant I wasn’t able to meet people who could enrich my life, or become dates down the line.)
- I’m sad because my default social companion is disappearing (I still have friends. I still have family. My default should be the great people I know, not the blergh fool I was with.)
- I’m worried I won’t get married by x age (I also won’t get divorced from a guy who was never good enough to begin with.)
- I’m worried I won’t have children (I can’t tell the future, but I know co-parenting with this guy would have been a disaster. A happy family is worth waiting for.)
- I’m embarassed that I’ll have to explain to everyone that I’m single… again (Everyone breaks up until they find their last partner. Nobody who cares about me is rooting for me to get back with this tool)
- None of my relationships have worked out. I’m terrified that none of them will (A bad relationship is no prize.)
- If a shitty guy didn’t want me, what are the odds that a good one will? (Pretty damn good. I wasn’t compatible with a turd because I’m not a turd.)
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
If I had to guess, you’re struggling not because you miss that guy, but because you’re lonely. Which makes perfect sense and I TOTALLY get it. It’s ok to be lonely and to want companionship, and it’s really hard to get to a place of being comfortable with being alone a lot, and even harder to convince yourself that it will all work out ok and that you’re NOT going to be alone forever (trust me: YOU’RE NOT GOING TO END UP ALONE.). I don’t remember from the previous conversations, but have you considered seeing a counselor? I personally believe the kicker is to find the reasons WHY you’re having such a strong reaction, and a lot of the time the only way to find that out is through having guidance from someone else.
Post # 5
coffeecakez : This is extremely helpful and a great way to turn the negative thinking into positives! Thank you 🙂
Post # 6
hickoryhills : I don’t think a counselor was ever mentioned. But I have toyed with that idea before. I think I’m going to look into it and see how it goes.
Post # 7
Hallelujah for you breaking up with him! I remember being completely floored by that thread. You’re going to laugh at that relationship one day, guaranteed. Just keep on keeping on and feeling whatever you’re feeling. It’s a process!
Post # 8
mixybee : “floored by the thread” – totally made me laugh out loud at my desk right now. Hahahaha. Good reminder too of how ridiculous he was! 🙂
Post # 10
Break ups are difficult – even if you were the one to end things and you know ending things was the right decision. If you cared for the person, were invested in the relationship, and are a feeling human being, break ups are sad and painful. It is not unlike when a person or animal dies – you grieve a relationship that you had with that person that you will never have again.
Therefore, expect to go through all the stages of grief, and don’t expect them to evaporate overnight. It takes time to process it all, and you have to give yourself that time. I find it easier when going through a break up to give in to the feelings of being devastated and depressed. Let yourself cry in the shower, let yourself be down, let yourself wallow in bed or lie around in your pyjamas until midday… it helps the feelings to pass much quicker.
My other recommendation is to take excellent care of yourself and do things that make you feel good. This is a great time to go to the hairdresser and get your hair taken care of, or to get your nails done, or to get a massage. Give yourself permission to be a bit indulgent – invite a friend round and drink a bottle of wine and have some chocolate. Binge watch your favourite sitcom. Whatever blows your hair back. My point is don’t put pressure on yourself to put a brave face on or to pretend that everything’s ok. Nurture yourself through this time and you’ll find your positive vibes returning in no time.
Post # 11
Sweetie, you’re grieving. This is totally, completely normal. Your dreams of what the relationship could have been, your fantasies about who he was, the life you thought you were going to have with him—all have died. Of course you’re going through the grief process.
Grief moves at its own pace. It comes in waves and it will never be more than you can handle.
Just as llevinso said, one day you’ll realize you hadn’t been thinking about him for days.
For now, lean on the people who love you. Try to take pride in the courage and self respect you have shown for yourself.
Post # 12
sassy411 : Thank you so much! I didn’t really realize the ‘death’ of the things that I thought would be. I have never thought of it that way. I’ve usually done pretty good with breakups….but then again this is the first where I’m alone and it was my decision. You’re right – it took courage and self respect to get out of it and make that decision. That helps to be reminded of that 🙂
Post # 13
indigobee : That’s always been my downfall at times – always putting on the brave face and not letting it show that I’m not always strong. I think I have been holding back these emotions and they finally burst through my barrier. Thank you for your advice and tips 🙂
Post # 14
Give yourself more time to heal. It’s good that you recognize that you don’t want to reconcile and you want to move on. Just remember that you are now in a much better position to meet someone wonderful 🙂 and take it one day at a time.
Post # 15
totally normal. And believe me, being on your period can make it way worse! I never realize that until my period is over and then I can see how extra emotional I was. You’re going to have breakdowns. They will lessen with time. What’s important is that you know you don’t want him back. Since that is your core belief, you will be fine. You are so much better off than I was after my last break up! It took a while for me to fully decide that I didn’t want him back even if he came begging!