Post # 1
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
My surprise bridal shower was yesterday afternoon. I must admit that I was a little surprised that my MOHs and mom were able to pull it off. It was at the Hilton which kind of wowed because I didn’t think that it was in their budget. I was happy for the thought until I found out a few background details.
Somehow it slipped out from someone that my shower wasn’t originally going to be in that location. My Fiance intervened to make sure that they gave me the shower that he felt that I deserved. He had in fact reserved the banquet room and even selected the menu. I was in shock that it was my Fiance (who like me is dealing with the shananagans of planning our wedding and his own bachelor party) who had to jump in and save my shower because my MOHs (yes two of them) were not capable even with assistance from my mom. Talk about a complete let down.
During the shower, my best friend/ Maid/Matron of Honor dissappeared without saying good bye just before I sat down to open gifts. In fact she didn’t even give a gift though my Fiance and his mom absorbed most of the cost of the shower. This Maid/Matron of Honor hasn’t really done a thing to be supportive during this entire process. I think that her Bridesmaid or Best Man dress has been sitting at the dress shop for a month. I think this was the straw that just broke this camel’s back. Sadly we’re a little over a month out but I’m ready to either demote her to a bm or better yet remove her from the wedding all together. Is this crazy of me?
Post # 3
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
I think your expectations are too high. She probably planned a shower she could afford. Your Fiance then stepped in and demanded it be changed. If I were her I might have been pissed off and left early too.
Post # 4
Member
5949 posts
Bee Keeper
Sounds like the shower they planned didn’t measure up to someone’s standards….would you have rather had the shower they planned or been at the Hilton? You might owe some people an apology, you and your Fiance.
Post # 5
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
Okay I’m thinking my post was misunderstood. Please refrain from the negative comments of High expectations. This was not the case. It’s not the point or location rather of the shower. It was the fact that I had one and it was because of my fiance stepping in to make sure that I had one. My MOHs didn’t plan anything or didn’t know how to plan anything for the shower. Hence my fiance stepped in to help becuase they didn’t do anything or were dragging their feet to get it done.
Post # 6
Member
5949 posts
Bee Keeper
@LadyLewis12: Etiquette dictates that a shower be given by the maid of honor or other close friend if she declines the honor, but they are certainly not required…..It should be a gift. Sounds like this instance didn’t work out that way for everyone involved and that is sad.
Post # 7
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
@LadyLewis12: I’ve never understood the idea of demoting someone. The way I see it, my Maid/Matron of Honor and BMs are doing me a huge favor by being in the wedding, supporting me for the day, buying a dress, and putting up with a nervous bride. IMO, ‘demoting’ or putting down your bridesmaids’ shower skills seems ungrateful. They probably did what their circumstances and lives could let them. So, to answer your question- Yes. I think it’s “crazy of you” (your words).
Post # 8
Member
2701 posts
Sugar bee
I agree with PPs. Your Fiance should not have stepped in to “save” your shower. If your Maid/Matron of Honor and BMs didn’t plan one, then you mom or another relative could have. Showers are nice but they are not required. If they were planning something, anything at all, and your Fiance stepped in and took over without checking with them first, then I can see why they’d be upset and why the one left early.
Definitely do NOT “demote” them. Not only would that be a b*tch move, but it would also seriously damage your relationship with them. So unless you are ready to end your friendship with them completely, don’t demote them or kick them out. You say it’s not a matter of having too high of expectations, but from your posts, it sounds like it might be…
Post # 9
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
Honestly, it’s not about the type of shower they were planning (they didn’t plan a thing). It’s the fact that they haven’t been there for me at all and what happened with my shower was it for me. Everyone else except my MOHs were/ are ready to be supportive or help in anyway possible for my wedding planning process.
Post # 10
Member
2008 posts
Buzzing bee
Agree with the bees.
Its not a requirement. You’re not entitled to a shower.
What Your Fiance did was well intentioned but wrong.
And you didn’t mention the lack of participation or effort of your MOH/BM until hours later. It doesn’t change things.
Post # 11
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
You posted twice by mistake here my response although not sure you want to hear it as its close to what pp said.
First of all I’m really sorry if there issues going on here with one of your moh and you should try to speak to her when or if you are calm. Leaving the shower early without saying goodbye is rude. As for the gift sometimes people give one sometimes they don’t and I wouldn’t hold it againist her.
The second thing is I hope you can ask yourself if your bridal shower had happen somewhere else,under different circumstances would it have been good? I would give these girls the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like your Fi and Family intervened to plan the type of shower they wanted. Just because your friends weren’t planning to host a shower at the Hilton doesn’t mean that they were going to host a sucky shower. I have hosted home showers, resturant showers and a Tea shower at the Langham Hotel, the cost was split but it came out nearly 2,000 dollars. It’s quite possible your friends didn’t have or want to spend all of that money on your shower. Hosting at a variety of places I can tell they were all nice.
I don’t know about your prior relationship with Moh but wedding planning can be stressful and cause us to lose perspective. I urge you to really think past your wedding day, and what important and if you are truly ready to end a friendship over wedding party drama. If the question is yes, and you don’t have any lingering feelings about this. Then go ahead.
Finally you are marrying a great guy and it sounds like your Fi has gone above and beyond and really loves you. Which at the end of all these events is what truly matters.
Post # 12
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
ps: I don’ think you really know all the factors as you given us second hand information. Before getting upset you should speak to everyone invovled and take everything said with a grain of salt and figure the truth is somewhere in the middle.(Although since you had a nice shower personally if it was me I would let it go, as I’m sure you have more important wedding things to focus on instead of unneeded drama)
From what you were told there was a shower planned at another location. While your Fi thought you deserved a shower at the Hilton, it’s quite possible these girls could have planned you a nice shower at someone home or a less expensive venue.
Post # 13
Member
5949 posts
Bee Keeper
I guess you have to decide if the failures of you Maids of Honor are worth ending a friendship over. You must have selected them for a reason, you must be very close, perhaps they’re having problems and feel unable to talk about them because they want to focus on you….I would sit down and ask them what was wrong before I did something as brazen and arrogant as demoting them or removing them from the bridal party entirely. They have a financial and emotional investment in the wedding too, I would think very carefully before I acted, it’s your day for certain, but it’s one day out of hundreds of thousands.
Post # 14
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
why did your Fiance think they weren’t giving you the ‘shower you deserved’…..it’s a shower, which is a party that someone throws for you…you should feel honoured to have one regardless….
Imagine this: you are someone’s maid of honour…you decide to throw a shower for the bride….your budget is small, and others can’t contribute much…you plan it around this budget….brides Fiance decides it’s not good enough and moves EVERYTHING to a differnt location, with different food…..all the decor/food/whatever you put the deposit down for the location YOU chose is now GONE….wouldn’t you be pissed? I know I would be…..
Your Fiance was out of line…sorry…regardless if it’s good intentions or not…still totally out of line…..you and him need to apologize for your actions…..
Post # 15
Member
997 posts
Busy bee
Just curious: do you know for a FACT they didn’t plan ANYTHING or did your fiance just not think what was planned was adequate? Your original post made it seem like he just upgraded what they had planned and then subsequent posts made it sound like nothing was planned.
Post # 16
Member
2721 posts
Sugar bee
If what you are wanting to hear is to demote her it’s unlikely you’re going to get the response you are looking for here. In my opinion, this thread came off as very entitled. I agree with the PPs. Also, it’s the internet and we only have the facts you provided so people will infer from there. It’s not mean, it’s all we had to work with.