- 2 months ago
- Wedding: October 2018
Just went through a rather traumatic experience and just wanted to come here as an outlet to help me dissect and understand what happened really.
I believe I went through a major depressive episode that lasted about 7-8 months. It didn’t start off terribly, but was more a slow gradual decline that got worse and worse. It was caused my my birth control implant Nexplanon, as explained to me by my OBGYN that in its last year the dose it gives out isn’t as consistent and can mess with your hormone levels. The first two years I had it in it was fine (wonderful actually) so it took me a long time to figure out what was happening to me.
The scariest thing about all this- I don’t think I myself realized I was depressed. I mean I must have to some degree- but the state I was in wouldn’t allow me to admit it to myself or anyone else or try to seek help. I hid it from everybody, including my husband. I blamed my lack of energy and bad moods on my job, because I honestly thought that was the cause at times. I hated my job, because I did not have the motivation nor the energy to perform well. I blamed it on my long work hours (which is true I do work a lot), however I have always been extremely ambitious and work-oriented and long hours have never been an issue in the past, nor were they the first 6 months of my job, so the logic behind it didn’t even make sense.
I hid a lot of things from my husband. I would cry in the shower so he wouldn’t hear me. I’d go through with normal every day things and fake happiness, fake interest in sex. I’d nap and sleep ALL day when he wasn’t home but lie to him that I went out or did a bunch of stuff. Set an alarm for every two hours so I could text him to help corroborate my stories. It was awful. I had suicidal thoughts often, and it was once these thoughts started to become ideation that I FINALLY went to my primary to seek help.
He was the godsend that suggested that I get my birth control removed first to see if that helped before referring me to a psychiatrist. I didn’t think it would work because I had already had it two years without issue. I held out hope though, and even posted here about it I believe.
About three days after the implant came out, I began to few many changes. I remember the first thing I noticed was in the shower. I think I said to you husband “Did the water pressure change?” I could actually feel the water pouring down over me. It felt amazing.
Those first two weeks after that were some of the most emotional and cathartic experiences I have ever had. It was like a fog lifted up. I actually heard music again, actually tasted food. I had the motivation one night to go make myself a tea and light a candle, and just that fact alone had me sobbing tears of joy. I noticed people smiling at me at the grocery store. My libido came back. I started to take an interest again in my appearance. It was such an incredible difference.
I did have the mind to tell my husband what I went through. He immediately broke down in tears. He apologized over and over again for not realizing, not getting me help. He said he knew I was acting differently, but had attributed it to my job and job stress, as that’s what I told everyone.
Im performing well at work and enjoying it again. I’m exercising and doing my hobbies again. I can’t believe that a month ago at this time, I was wishing my life was over. I have not had a single suicidal thought and have been on a normal sleep schedule. My husband is thrilled and overjoyed to see me “happy” and “back”. But he as well as I don’t take what I went through lightly.
i just can’t believe it got to that point. Furthermore, I can’t believe I didn’t realize it or seek help. I guess that’s part of it though. You blame yourself for how you feel. You tell yourself you hate work and nap all day because you’re “lazy”, not because of a medical issue. And I was too proud to admit that I was weak.
I guess, I’m just afraid of anything like that getting to that point again. My husband is well aware of my concerns and expressed his own about the same thing, and is making many apologetic promises to be more vigilant about my moods in the future.
The whole experience certainly opened my eyes to mental illness and depression specifically. I realized that the opposite of depression is not happiness, but instead vitality. I actually have more sad and angry moments now than I did, but also much more happy and excited moments too. Being depressed was just- nothing. No feeling. No reaction to outside stimulus. Sensory deprivation, almost. Things that were supposed to surprise me, upset me, excite me, motivate me, couldn’t. There was a disconnect to the outside world, and because of that, there was dispair. I know I’m very lucky to have had such an easy and (what looks like hopefully) permanent fix to such a horrible state of mind.
I don’t know what I’m looking for here, but if anybody wants to share their thoughts or stories I would welcome them! Or maybe if this post helps give a little insight to what it’s like to go through a (I know what is comparatively to others, very brief) period depression I’d be glad for that too.