- 8 months ago
Wanted to get something off my chest that has been bothering me since, well… mother’s day.
A few years back when I was with my ex, we wanted a baby. In my 20’s I was definitely a fence sitter about children, but something started to shift. In hindsight, it was a bad idea and he was not the right man, but I turned 30 (he was a few years older than me) and had baby fever, big time. We were not trying, not preventing for well over a year when I finally saw a doctor for early fertility testing (blood tests and ultrasound). I had some fibroids, a bit of an oddly shaped uterus, but nothing else stood out. Shortly after that testing things went south, we stopped sleeping together all together and several months later I moved out.
That is some background on why infertility has always been something I fear, but I keep it completely to myself. Those who know me likely assume I don’t want kids, because I try to remain very detached about the topic (probably a defense mechanism).
Now I am with my SO, who has a son who was conceived unexpectedly and very quickly with someone he was casually dating. It brought up some emotions for me. I find myself feeling sorry for myself and anxious about my fertility a lot, especially because I see the bond he has with his son and I see what another woman has with him, who frankly has put her own interests above her child for years. I guess it makes me bitter, and I try to force those feelings from my mind but they remain.
I told my SO my fears, and although it is not the right time now, he eases my mind with his willingness to do whatever it takes in the future to have a family together… so that is a great thing. On mother’s day, however, I just felt very sad and disconnected from my friends, who all have little ones. I still went with my SO and his son to pick his mom out a card and I put on a happy face, but that whole day really impacted me in a way it NEVER had before.
I don’t know what I am looking for with this post. Maybe someone who can just… relate. I just want to remain hopeful and positive that just because something doesn’t come easy, doesn’t mean it will never happen.