(Closed) Post partum – I didn't think it would happen to me

posted 5 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 16
Member
3728 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
anonbee10003:  do you have a friend or relative close by? Please call them and explain you really need their help. Ask them to give your dog lots of love and then hold your baby while you shower and have you time.

Having a baby is a huge change for your pet and they don’t adjust overnight. Some need extra love to feel secure.

Then call your doctor. Ask for a referral. The call an animal behaviorist, ask for a one on one consult on helping with the baby adjustment.

Try and give it time and don’t be afraid to ask for help 

Post # 17
Member
2171 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry you are having such a hard time!!! Is there someone who can help with the dog for a little bit while you work through this stuff? I would also be upset if my husband was willing to get rid of my/our cat Wally when we have a child. Maybe, if you knew your dog was in a safe place for awhile, you can focus on getting you better, the relationship with your husband, and the bond with your baby. Once you feel better about things, your dog could come back? Just a thought. 

Please call you dr and get some help! I haven’t been through it but I believe you can get better! Sending you *hugs*!

Post # 18
Member
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It is NOT your fault and doesn’t mean you’re weak.

It sounds like both you and your husband could benefit from talking to a doctor. You said that his behavior has changed since the birth – male postpartum depression is a real, though less well known, condition, and he might be suffering from it too. It’s possible that he’s feeling overwhelmed and exhausted and angry that his vision of a happy new family isn’t reality. You might both be struggling and unable to support each other the way you need.

Post # 19
Member
1493 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

Your husband is being dick. I’m sorry. I’d almost say you two should consider counseling. 🙁 most people have covered the main points so I’ll help with the dog issue. A baby is a big change for her too. Try and make sure she’s still getting attention… Try taking baby for a walk with a carrier and your dog daily. It would be great for you both. If your dog continues to have problems in a few weeks consult with a behavorist. There’s no reason you can’t work to make both your dog and baby happily coexist. Your husband is just being completely unreasonable. I feel like that situation is just making things much worse for you overall. As a crazy dog lady if I had been faced with these issues with a newborn I’d totally shut down. I hope I helps you a bit. Hang in there. The first month is the worst.

Post # 20
Member
2899 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Your husband is being a dick. But it’s important to remember that guys go through a huge transition too, when they become dads. I’m not saying that you don’t have the right to be upset with him – because you totally do! – but I remember feeling like “oh my God, I can’t believe I married such a giant asshole.” And now, 4 1/2 months post partum, I can look back and realize he was dealing with his own difficult stuff and a lot of our fights were the product of both of us being tired, stressed, missing our old life, adjusting to the huge responsibility of being parents, having frayed nerves from the constant baby screaming… it just sucks. 

Things got better for us around 3 months when the baby started being more fun and my husband got more confident about taking care of him. Once he spent a full day taking care of our son and realized how much work it really is, he started helping out a lot more. And when I was able to recognize that he was also going through some shit, even if it wasn’t the same as the shit I was going through, it was easier for me to deal with it. I hope that makes sense! 

Post # 21
Member
3751 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I just wanted to chime in about the dog. I’m not a dog person, never was, could go my entire life without owning one. But my husband IS a dog person and feels life is not complete without one. We have had our dog for almost 4 years. I love the dog, I really do, but he still hasn’t made me a full on dog person. I like dogs in general a lot more than I ever did. When my son was born, to me the dog just became a source of frustration. It got better, I still love him, but it’s not the same as my kid. DH has been upset with me a few times because I’m less tolerant of the dog since the baby came. It’s hard to understand a non-dog lover’s perspective when you are a total dog lover. Had my dog been aggressive at all towards the baby it would’ve been a BIG issue for me and we would’ve had to discuss rehoming the dog. Thankfully he’s not at all. I just wanted to shed some light on how your DH may be feeling about the dog. Not saying he is (or I am) right in this feelings but just understand peoples’ feelings about dogs vary greatly.

Post # 22
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Am I seriously the only one who doesn’t think her husband is not being unreasonable by being upset that OP couldn’t give a straight answer on her choice if she had to choose between her child and her dog?  If I was him, and especially if I didn’t understand depression, I would be pissed.  I would not want my child to be in an environment where her mother can’t choose between her and the dog.

Now, that is NOT to say that any of this is OP’s fault.  I understand depression, but I also understand that a lot of people don’t.  OP, you need to talk to your doctor, and enlist his/her help in explaining this to your husband.  Send him some links on postpartum depression and tell him how he can support you.  Until he understands what you are going through, it will be hard to be supportive.  I feel like once he gets it, his perspective will change.

I have seen my FI’s attitude towards depression change drastically when presented with information.  When I first told him I thought I was suffering from depression, he looked me dead in the eyes and said, “You’re not depressed.”  NOT what I needed.

However, after being presented with information about depression and I talked with him about how he can support me, he’s been absolutely wonderful.  He plays an important role in helping me get through my toughest days.

Understand his side, but more importantly, present him with yours.  He will continue to see you as selfish and unreasonable until he knows what you are experiencing.

Post # 23
Member
2339 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
anonbee10003:  I totally commiserate about your husband and his current lack of support, it’s important that when see a professional about your   feelings, they speak to your husband and make him aware that this is 

a) not uncommon

b) not your fault  

c) something your husband, friends and family need to support you through  

I would however like to maybe reassure you about your husband’s turning against your dog and that not making him a monster.

I’m not saying he’s right but it’s quite a common reaction in parents of newborns. Unfortunately it often leads to dogs being rehomed,  particularly when it is the mother who has this reaction. It can happen to people who were previously doting owners. It sounds like your DH has bonded fast with the baby and feels very protective, and that can be a very primal, non-rational emotion. When my brother was born my mum has confessed to me that she didn’t really even like her husband, the father(!) holding him. She felt so tiger like about him. There is an evolutionary reason to be hyper-sensitive to any perceived threat to such a vulnerable newborn and your OH us in the throes of it. Your dog and its antipathy to your new baby are triggering that reaction and he probably really can’t stand your dog at the moment. 

To get through this, you need to reassure him that of course your daughter’s safety is paramount and suggest rules to follow to ensure there is no risk and that the dog adjusts. Rules like ensuring the dog is never left alone in the room with your daughter, ensuring you take the dog out alone for a walk daily to reduce its stress (nice for you too!) and meanwhile Google advice on be internet on how to help your dog adjust and instrumentally train him to associate good things with the baby, and particularly being settled in the baby’s presence. 

Your dog may be lovely and harmless, but we have all seen tragic cases on the news of babies and toddlers being mauled by family pets out of the blue, so while your husband’s sudden dislike is upsetting and disproportionate, he’s not totally out of his tree. 

His comments about divorce were cruel and indefensible. I hope he sorts himself out pronto and please seek professional help yourself now!

Post # 24
Member
31 posts
Newbee

View original reply
BabyInACorner:  

Do you have a dog? I do, and have had him for almost 9 years. I would never give him up; he’s part of my family, and I am responsible for his well-being until he crosses the rainbow bridge.

People see their pets differently, but I completely understand OP not wanting to give up her dog; not to mention the dog will most likely get euthanized if it ends up in a shelter due to its age. It’s totally normal that the dog may need to adjust to the baby, and it needs the owners support (structured schedule, etc.) to do so. Giving it up shouldn’t be the first answer. I would also be very upset, especially with everything else the OP is dealing with right now.

Post # 25
Member
3196 posts
Sugar bee

OP, I agree with almost everyone else on here- you need to call and get some information and help on PPD. Your husband should be there too, and he should be doing a lot more supporting. I am 110% a pet parent, and I wouldn’t give my dog up unless that was the only way. I truly understand your inability to answer. On one hand, your dog has been a source of comfort and companionship for 12 years, and you probably commiserate with your pup’s frustration and dejection, after all, you’re feeling it too! On the other, you have a new baby that is a huge source of your personal (mental, physical, emotional) issues and marital issues at the moment.

You’re unsure about your place in your family and might harbor some escapist fantasies (thinking of your ‘are they better off without me’ thoughts). However, this is why you need help! They won’t be better off without you, and neither your husband or you have the coping skills at the time to tackle this and be effective parents. Throw into the mix feeling under threat (with the divorce comments) and no wonder you are feeling horrible. It isn’t weakness to need to reach out to someone for support, especially with new parenthood. There is nothing shameful about not being ‘supermom’ all happy and bright and cooing over their infant. Infants are smelly, messy, noisy, and demanding. You need your partner and any support network you have at this time. Just think, this likely won’t get better on its own, and the longer you put it off the more strain, distrust, and hurt will occur in your marriage and between you and baby. 

I’m so sorry you’re feeling alone! Hugs and good luck!

Post # 26
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

View original reply
anonbee10003:  Hugs!  You’re only three weeks post partum so your world & and your husband’s are in shock.  I don’t think anyone here can tell if it’s PPD.  Please, please talk to you husband (maybe with a PPD website, info in hand) and your doctor.

It sounds like you didn’t win the easy labor and easy baby lottery.  That is a shitty introduction to parenthood and can make bonding so hard.  I didn’t realize how rough #1 was for me until I had #2 two months ago. Don’t try to convince yourself that you should feel any particular way.  Living with a screaming, colicy baby is an entirely different experience than living with a “good” sleepy baby.  Since you had a rough labor you might want to look into traumatic births to see if that resonates with you.  

Post # 27
Member
5083 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

This is not your fault, there is help and it does get better. Someone on my facebook posted this video a while back and I thought it was really well done and really helps to better understand PPD.

Post # 28
Member
9806 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

It’s not your fault, there is help and it really can/will get better. PLease call your OB ASAP OP.  And if you have someone else you love and trust that can help like your mom or close friend call them to come stay for a few days-week. You really will/can get through it but you need help from your OB ASAP

Post # 29
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
girlinheels:  I have a cat who is my baby.  I’ve had him for three years.  He’s the subject of 50% of my conversations.  We hire a babysitter to spend the night at our house when we’re out of town, just so the cat won’t get lonely.  I completely understand being head over heels in love with a pet.

 

That said, if I had reason to believe that my cat was a danger to my child, the cat would have to go live with friends or family.  OP’s husband’s first reaction was not to get rid of the dog–it’s if the dog presents a danger to the baby.  Luckily, that has not been the case yet.  I hope OP’s dog continues to adjust and that they can cohabitate happily.

 

Maybe I’m in the minority, but I would contemplate divorce too if, after we were married, my Fiance told me he couldn’t decide if the cat or our child was more important.  Especially if I didn’t think he was going through any emotional/phychological struggles.

 

To reiterate, I do not blame OP for her feelings.  Depression is an awful, awful thing and it can absolutely take over your life.  It’s absolutely terrible to feel like you have no control over your own thoughts, feelings, or motivations.  I fully believe OP’s husband will change his tune if he really understands and can help to support her, rather than seeing her as the enemy.

 

OP, I hope you are able to get treatment and help your husband understand how to support you.  Best of luck to you and your beautiful family.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  BabyInACorner. Reason: typo
Post # 30
Member
7426 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Looking back at your post history, this is not the first time your husband has threatened divorce. It seems to be his go to move during arguments. I think you need to see your OB ASAP, and then seek counseling.

This is not your fault.

The topic ‘Post partum – I didn't think it would happen to me’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors