(Closed) Post partum – I didn't think it would happen to me

posted 4 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 31
Member
6272 posts
Bee Keeper

You’ve been given a lot to really good advice here.  this may also help – https://www.dogstrust.org.uk/help-advice/factsheets-downloads/factsheetnewbabynov13.pdf

 

i dont have a baby but I can totally understand why your husband’s attitude to the dog is upsetting you on top of everything else.  I really hope with all the support you’ve got here and hopefully in real life once you reach out as others have suggested, and you can enjoy being great parents (and dog owners!) together x

Post # 32
Member
567 posts
Busy bee

I am very sorry you are going through this. I had to answer to your post because I went through the same thing after giving birth to my baby girl, I would cry all the time, I would feel annoyed by her, I would love her one day and then don’t love her the next day, it was horrible, the only difference is that my husband was there and has been there to support me every step of the way. I felt bad after it all went away because it wasnt my baby’s fault, she is just an angel sent from heaven and does not anything about this world. I think you should get medical help, and professional as well, just remember that it DOES gets easier, I thought I would never see the light and here we are, baby girl just turned 1 this weekend and i love her everyday more and more. Remember your hormones are also all over the place and your body just went through so much stress. 

About your husband all I have to say is that he is a real asshole and do not deserve the family he has. 

Things will never be the way they used to be with your Darling Husband. I learnt this the hard way, we barely go on dates, but baby girl brought us so much closer together its hard to explain. We ALWAYS look for the time to spend time together, cook together, watch a movie, cuddle, but at the beggining we did not even have time to kiss, just like you and your Darling Husband. BUT IT DOES GETS BETTER AND EASIER!!

Post # 33
Member
567 posts
Busy bee

Also forgot to mention we have 2 chihuahuas and we would never choose between baby and dogs

Post # 34
Member
2788 posts
Sugar bee

sweetpink:  I am so sorry you are going through this. What you are feeling is normal, PPD is very common and it does get better. You will not be stuck feeling like that forever. Please find a counselor who specializes in this, it will make a huge difference. Therapy and maybe a low dose of anti-depressant can make a world of a difference in how you feel. Do you have a trusted friend or family member you could talk to? I would not talk about it with your husband, as he proved to be unsupportive and completly oblivious to your feelings and what PPD is. His insensitivity might make you feel worse if you choose to open up to him. What he said about the dog is a complete dick move. I am sorry you not only dealing with adjusting to being new mommy, body changes, hormones changing, but also dealing with such an asshole. Maybe send him articles that medically explain PPD, so it is not coming from your words, but from the “experts”. Can you take him with you to a doctor’s appointment, and ask the doctor to expalin PPD to him.

It will get better, you are one strong mamma!

Post # 35
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

anonbee10003:  I was very depressed, crying in the shower and downright mean to my Darling Husband at times when I had my son. I couldn’t wait to get back to work. It does get better.  Sleep was probably the biggest factor for me so sleep training was my savior, but that did have to wait until he was 5 months. Please see a doctor to get help!

Also, in defense of your Darling Husband, he’s probably acting out in anger because he’s also sleep deprived and scared shitless. He doesn’t understand his wife’s emotional state and lack of connection to her child. It’s scary for you so imagine how it is for him and he has little control over it.

You should both go to the doctor so he can see that PPD is normal and there are things you can do to make things easier. Hang in there!

Post # 36
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Hey OP, I am weeks away from having our first, and your post really ‘spoke’ to a lot of concerns I have with having a baby.  One of my biggest concerns is being ‘that mom’ that does not bond with her baby, and/or having postpartum depression.  I have already asked my doctor about these things, again, without even having my child yet, and she assured me that it is OK, that it affects a lot of women, and that medical professionals are there to help, and not judge.  However, baby blues can feel similar to postpartum depression, and baby blues are common in MOST women after they bring home baby.  There will be tears, there will be questions of uncertainty, and wondering why the heck you did this, and there will be feelings of irritation and detachment.  Admitting them is ‘key’.  

Obviously, you want to admit them to your partner, free of shame, first and foremost.  That makes the most sense!!  The one person who can help you the most, and commiserate the most, and not judge you – probably, your husband.  However, although many would call him an unsupportive ass, I have to wonder if he too is experiencing some baby blues as well.  Sure, he does not have the hormonal imbalance to ‘blame’, but I recently read an article about how it can also affect the Fathers.  For 9 months they have also anticipated babies arrival, and then they bring home this baby, and well – the baby is just kind of a ‘blob’; a crying, pooping alien of sorts, that does not do a whole lot.  I think that for a lot of men that is hard to connect too, because they do not prepare in the same ways women do for a baby, even if they are super supportive the entire time.  I guess, my point is, maybe your husband cannot help his moods either, and although it should be a bit more about YOU, he also could be experiencing his own feelings of depression, which probably get pushed aside in a lot of men/father’s.

Enter the dog…look, I LOVE our dog.  She loves me more than hubby too (he knows this), and actually has gotten even closer to me during my pregnancy (it has actually kinda hurt his feelings, lol).  We have done our parts to prepare her for baby, but at 13 years of age, she just may not be the dream dog she has been for us this entire time.  I am already a mama bear to this human child, and our fur child.  There is no doubt, though, that if she exhibits any type of negative behaviors, Darling Husband will not discipline or threaten worse, such as, if she bites, she is gone.  Of course I will fight for her, but I also know one of us needs to be ‘that person’ with the dog, and ensure her role in the family is known from #3 to #4.  I know it will not be me.  I also know, at the end of the day, Darling Husband would never just ‘get rid of her’ if we needed to make that decision.  He would try to work with her, etc, first.  All of this being stated, while acknowledging, that we will be extra anxious (and she will feel that and feed off of it), and exta tired, thus making our tempers a bit more erractic.  So, perhaps will get a bit more jumpy with her, which is not fair, but true.

I have no real advice to offer, because I have not been there, but perspective because it is a concern of my own, and I have tried to educate myself about it along the way; same with potential feelings Darling Husband will have, and our dog!!

Post # 37
Member
2016 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

let me tell you first that it will get better. I promise. You can read my previous posts on my PPD.

I too had a difficult delivery and I didnt bond with my child until she was almost 5 months old. I cried every day. My daughter was a difficult baby. she had colic and cried/screamed non stop. My husband was not supportive either. He did not understand the physical changes that I was going through. The hormomal changeS which have such an effect on some women post partum which is the main cause of PPD. I hated him. I resented him for noting how i was struggling.  

I spoke to my health visitor and told her how I was feeling. She send a lady from a charity called sure start to help me for a few months. I didnt tell my husband I ws seeing a counciller. She was a lifesaver. She encouraged me to show my husband the PPD leaflets and talk about how I was feeling with him. It took him a while to understand but it did get better.

We found something that helped with the colic and the crying days got better but it was hard.

It really does help to talk about how you are feeling and know that how you are feeling is normal. The bond will develop. I promise you. If you need some to talk to, PM me.

 

Post # 38
Member
6847 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m so sorry you are going through this and that your husband is being such a dbag! Please contact your OB and either schedule a time for you both to talk to her or get a referral for a counselor. 

Post-partum depression is not uncommon, but people aren’t always comfortable talking about it. Please let your close friends and family members know what you are going through and accept their help and support. 

What has the pediatrician said about the constant crying? It turned out my incessantly crying baby was allergic to something I was eating. We were both much happier when we figured that out and addressed it!

Hugs.

Post # 39
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

BabyInACorner: For some people, asking somebody to choose between their dog and their child is the same thing as asking to choose between child #1 and child #2.  If child #1 is exhibiting jealousy and acting out against child #2, are you going to get rid of child #1?  I am not one of those people who believes a dog is actually a human child.  They are different and I do not treat my dog the way I treat a human being.  They need a different set of rules, structure, and training and they communicate differently.  But a dog is like my child in that he is 100% dependent upon me and I have made a lifetime committment to his care and well-being.  If my husband treated our dog as something that is disposable, I would divorce him.  Her husband should understand what sort of person she is and instead of complaining about it, help the dog adjust to life with a new baby.

Post # 40
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

mindycy1:  But what would you do if your dog bit your child? That is the scenario her Darling Husband was talking about. I don’t understand why very one is ragging on him for that viewpoint. Isn’t everyone’s first priority the safety of their child? I appreciate your distinction between animals and children, but the way others are posting here makes it sound like they put their child on equal footing as their pet. I’m sorry but no! 

Post # 41
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

sept22insf:  If the dog bites your child, that’s YOUR fault, not the dog’s.  I wouldn’t get rid of the dog due to it.  Dogs don’t bite children because they are “bad” dogs.  They bite due to being provoked in some manner.  I would do a lot of training and work with both the dog and the child to make sure it never happened again.  Too many people give up on their pets not understanding it’s first and foremost their responsibility to make sure bites never happen.  First, you are never to leave dogs and children unattended, no matter how docile the dogs.  I have a cockapoo who has never exhibited any aggression toward anybody and loves children and I would never leave him unattended with a child, whether mine or not.  Second, a lot of children do not understand boundaries w/ dogs and provoke dogs by poking them, grabbing their tails, getting into their food and toys, etc.  It’s your job to teach your child what is theirs and what is the dog’s.  Similarly, it’s your job to teach your dog what is the child’s toys and the child’s things.  We started with putting baby things like the infant car seat and stroller around the rooms for the dog to acclimate to it but the dog is not allowed to get into it or touch it.  It’s a lot of work to teach mutual respect between children and dogs, yes, but that doesn’t mean you just give the dog up when things get hard.  They are a member of the family, even if they aren’t human members.  I have a problem with OP’s husband not taking any actions to train the dog to make sure there is never any aggression and instead just lashing out at his wife about it.  She has enough going on with hormones and just giving birth that the last thing she needs is her husband threatening divorce and berating her.

Post # 42
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

WOW at the people who wouldnt’ give up a dog if it bit a child. I was bit by the family dog of a friend of mine when I was eight. I had known this dog for 3 years, and was attempting to pet him. He went from docile to aggressive in under a second, bit my hand, and shook it back and forth like a chew toy for 40 seconds. This is a stage four bite. When he let go, you could see the bone and ligaments in my hand. I’m lucky I don’t have permanent damage. The family refused to get rid of the dog, so we stopped being friends with that family. My parents didn’t want us to be in danger.

6 months later, the dog bit their child on the face. He had re-constructive surgery and is scarred for life. If I was that kid, I’d hold a serious grudge against my parents for keeping that damn dog. 

 

FYI he was a beautiful golden retriever who was sociable, playful and well behaved… most of the time. And parents were present, in the room, not leaving us kids unattended for BOTH bites. 

Post # 43
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

independentwoman:  What if a child hurts an animal? Would you rehome the child or have it put down?

 

 

 

Post # 44
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

Blushpool:  HOW is that even a remotely comparable question? What does that have to do with the story I shared? You think it was right for that family to keep that dog? You think that kid deserves to have major facial scarring for the rest of his life? 

 

In response to your silly question, people and dogs aren’t the same. I will not discuss a comparison in which the implication is that you have to treat them the same or you’re somehow being a bad person. Nope. 

 

Also I noticed that you have a post about re-homing some of the cats your husband has taken in. Interesting that you seem to think that there are indeed some valid reasons for getting rid of pets, but violent agression and putting the safety of members of the family at risk somehow do not qualify… 

Post # 45
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

independentwoman:  When I was younger, a child who lived next door pulled the tail off my cat. It caused excrutiating agony to my beloved pet, which had to be put down, and I lived with considerable emotional scarring for a very long time. I was in therapy for a long time.

My neighbours refused to put down or rehome their child, so we stopped associating with them, and everntually moved away. My parents didn’t want to put our remaining pets in danger. I have no idea what happened to the family, but it wouldn’t surprise me if the child went on to hurt/kill more animals. If I was the owner of those animals, I would hold a serious grudge against those parents for keeping that child.

Do you think it was right for that faily to keep that child? You think my cat deserved to be mutilated and killed?

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