(Closed) Post Wedding: A Change in Wedding Outlook

posted 6 years ago in Recaps
Post # 3
Member
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

This is a refreshing point of view!  Due to a very limited budget my Fiance and I are focusing on the most important things to us and not letting all of the other silly stuff bother us.  My step mom is FREAKOUT OUT because I don’t care what flowers I get (I don’t even really want any).  I think she is going to pass out from stress while I just sit there are think about how excited I am to say my vows.

Post # 4
Member
581 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m going to offer a perspective that I don’t mean to be combative… because well, you’re right. But I do want to say that I have a friend who was married ten years ago that is giving me the same true and well meaning advice you are sharing here. But I also think it’s important to remember that there are seasons of life and seasons of marriage. And while definitely in the long run those details don’t matter, and the union is the most important, for many women this is the first and only time they get to do something like this. 

So I know it doesn’t matter, but I want the perfect centerpiece, and the superficial details that are just so us. Because this is my time for that, and you wise and smart married ladies who have realized in a new way that “a wedding does not a marriage make” got to go through your time of stressing about the invitations and finding the right cake too. Don’t make us skip that, keep us sane, yes, but don’t tell us it doesn’t matter. Because it does… it’s our “now.” And someday we’ll look back fondly on our day that was “perfect for us,” like yours was for you, and know that even without all that our marriage would still be more. And we’ll probably want to tell engaged girls that too, but let’s try not to steal joy as we try to offer sanity. (And I know that wasn’t your intent, just a caution I wanted to throw out.)

Post # 7
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

As a married lady myself I can say that I completely agree with the OP. but I also 100% agree with Americano and her POV. 

Post # 8
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Have you ever checked out apracticalwedding.com?  What you’re saying here really goes along with the philosophy that they have over there.

 

@Americano – – that may be YOUR now, but that’s not every future bride’s now.  I’ve done my best to focus on the *Marriage* aspect rather than the *Wedding* aspect througout my time wedding planning, and I am willing to sacrifice perfection for sanity whenever the choice is offered to me.  This doesn’t make my wedding or my marriage any less or more than yours, either.

Post # 9
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

I so agree with the OP’s points … Fiance and I have been reminding ourselves every step of the way that this is not “the biggest/most important/most perfect day of our lives” – because we really don’t want to peak on Day One. 😉

@Americano – that’s all well and good, up to a point. But when and if you reach the point that the perfect centerpieces, etc., are causing stress, fights, budgetary woes, etc., they have officially become more trouble than they’re worth. Our culture and the Wedding Industrial Complex feed us all kinds of mythologies and expectations that, deep down, are rooted in – a profit motive. There’s a little bit of tradition there, yes, but there are also marketing behemoths that have taken that tradition and milked it for all it’s worth, exaggerated it, blown it out of all proportion, and created all manner of expectations that people then tie themselves in knots in an attempt to meet. So, enjoy your centerpieces, etc, but keep your perspective. See past them to the people – your family and friends – sitting “across the table,” as it were.

Post # 10
Member
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

There are some great and different points being raised in this thread. I will continue to read as I’m finding it very interesting 🙂

Post # 11
Member
28 posts
Newbee

Gee guys, I really don’t think some of you understand Americano’s post. I think she does realize that the loved ones in her life are the most important thing and that the marriage is more important than the wedding. But it’s okay to want to personalize your wedding and put effort into smaller details like the centerpieces! That’s the beauty of individual weddings, each one of them is different. Some weddings are more simple and rustic, and others are more lavish with crystals gleaming in every corner. In the end, we’ll all either look back at our weddings fondly or we’ll regret them and wish we had done less or more. All weddings are are celebrations of marriage and the only real way to avoid the “Wedding Industrial Complex” (a sort of paranoid-sounding term that makes me LOL as much as Big Pharma does) is to not have a wedding at all. That’s right, just sign papers and be done. Okay, technically that is a wedding but in the end you only paid for the license, which I don’t really consider part of the “WIC” (lol).

It’s just what I think Americano was trying to say. I mean @everalwaysrealtrue…ouch, you seem to be implying that you actually care about your marriage while she only cares about her wedding. Surely you didn’t mean to come off that way? I don’t even see where she criticized your wedding for being on a smaller scale. I’m sorry, it’s just one thing here that kind of gets my goat. Same with some ladies that come swooping in on those Bees that express mild disappointment about their engagement rings, using statements like “I’d be happy if he gave me a twist tie!”. Really? :/

Just my two cents. As long as you and your fiance love each other, there needs to be no worries if your wedding “doesn’t measure up” or conversely, “measures up too much to society’s standards”.

Post # 12
Member
914 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@everalwaysrealtrue:  LOVE that blog and LOVED her book even more.

The basic point is do what works for you and your Fiance. You don’t have to have all the little details or the dj, or the photographer, or whatever if you don’t want to. You don’t have to have a theme, or colors, or a bloggable wedding. If you want to, great! But as women, we are bombarded with these ideas that our wedding has to be just so, bigger, better, more unique, more “us” then anyone else’s.  For some people, those details are fun and important. Trust me, if I had tons of moolah, I’d have a giant party too. I love planning parties, and a wedding is the ultimate party! I think it’s easy to get caught up in wedding land and want everything to look perfect, but in the end, nobody really cares. They only care about sharing a very special and intimate memory with loved ones. As she says in her book, the only things you need to get married are two people and an offiant. The rest is all extra.

 

ETA: I don’t think OP was saying don’t do any of the fun details, favors, etc. Just don’t let them be the entire reason for the wedding! And those litttle things aren’t worth ruining relationships over. Nothing wrong with wanting things to look pretty 😛

Post # 13
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t think its accurate to say that no one remembers your centerpieces, programs or invitations. If I think back on weddings I attended, I actually remember these details just as well as any of the ceremonies. Better, actually, because at so many weddings the vows and ceremony go by really quick but I am sitting in front of that centerpiece for an hour or more, lol.     

Plus, I do think the details make the wedding and reception more interesting and special for guests. If everyone had the same decor, music, food, flowers, etc it would feel very impersonal.

Post # 14
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

@SweetPrincessPeach: I appreciate your coming to the defense of a fellow Bee when you feel like she’s getting piled on – but I also think you are misreading the comments, and she actually *isn’t* getting piled on the way you think she is. The OP articulated it beautifully in comment #4 … everalwaysrealtrue said that hers was “no more or less valid” for the difference in point of view.

I don’t think any of us are actually saying there’s something wrong with caring about wedding details. We wouldn’t even be ON the ‘Bee if we felt that way. But we all also know, from experience, that it’s very easy for details to become overwhelming. I took this post as a caution against that – and I agree. We all also know that we live in a culture with a persistently high failure rate for marriage. It’s also a culture with a highly individualistic and competitive slant – two things that can run counter to building a healthy marriage, and wedding trends unfortunately run much more individualistic than communal, much more competitive than cooperative, in the culture in general. Am I wrong? For heaven’s sake, we live in a time when people who are famous for being famous file their divorce papers while the fantasy wedding special is still running on television …

Again, don’t misread that. I’m not saying that just because Americano cares about her centerpieces etc., her marriage is doomed to meet the fate of the Hindenburg. But details can and do lead to fights – and they shouldn’t. (See comment #4). And there absolutely is a wedding industry that’s very aware of its limited customer base and the need to wring every possible dollar out of it – that’s how capitalism works. “Wedding Industrial Complex” is just convenient shorthand for that sector of the market economy, and it’s absolutely a fact that there are markups on goods and services destined for weddings that are not charged on identical goods and services sold for non-wedding events. If you think it sounds paranoid, so be it. A little paranoia on my part has saved us several thousand dollars on the cake and flowers and, yes, centerpieces that I am happy that we have. It’s saved us even more on the things we decided not to have because we don’t really need them. We will be able to start married life free of wedding-related debt, though, and I will remember that. I will also remember that, for at least the first half of wedding planning, Fiance and I and our families haven’t had any fights about money or other details. That matters a lot to me.

Post # 16
Member
581 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@SuperPrincessPeach:  Thank you for standing with me, so sweet of you and I can just feel your heart is in the right place. So thank you.

To all posters in this “debate” I think the truth is on some level that we all agree: our relationships are important, with our future (or current) husbands, with our families, and our dear friends. And if nothing else our goal when creating (or having created) the wedding is hopefully that a beautiful day coalescing all that love together in an event that can in some way commemorate something so meaningful in all of our lives.

I truly believe that each person who has posted here has that motivation in their viewpoint. So whether a wedding is big or small, expensive or frugal, it is a symbol of all the wonderful things we hope to share in marriage and family through the years and the future.

I will admit that my post was spurred by a recent phone call with my best friend who has been married ten years. She told me that since I’m planning my wedding at 30 and am much more “mature” than she was planning a wedding at 20 that of course the details wouldn’t really matter, that my wedding would be simple, and it would really not be a big deal. I was a little speechless.

So I’ll be honest OP, I posted because I was hurt from a personal experience with someone else, I hope you didn’t feel like I was jumping on you. It’s not that I don’t agree with your hindsight being 20/20… It’s because with my friend I wanted to be able to say even about something as silly as flowers and centerpieces that it was important to me, because it’s my time, and I couldn’t.

So however you are celebrating and preparing for your marriage do it in love and with joy, revel in everything, but like OP said, remember what’s most important through the whole process.

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