- 4 years ago
- Wedding: October 2015
Hey, ladies. I’m a regular bee who has gone annonymous for this post. I’ve been married for a few months now and I’m really struggling with the way that my wedding and wedding planning was. I know that nothing can “fix” the past, and I guess part of me is wanting to vent and part of me is looking for any advice as to how to work through my present feelings. Its long and complicated, but I’ll try to keep it short. If there are any parts that don’t make sense, I’ll happily clear it up in responses. I really appreciate any advice you might be able to give.
This, I think, is what I am mourning the most. My feelings are complicated and include sadness, regret, and yes, even some jealousy. I’ll try to keep it short. I have always been the kind of person who puts family way before everything else, including myself. Until 6 months into my engagement, my mom had always been my very best friend. When I was engaged I was finishing my last year in fellowship and my now husband and I both wanted for me to be able to finish that first before we got married. My younger sister was really angry when she heard that I was engaged, even hanging up on me when I called to tell her the news. She has always been the sibling who had a lot of friends and boyfriends and used to look down on me a bit for “not having fun” and “not being able to keep any guys around”, because I think that she didn’t understand how stressful med school was for me.
Anyway, I was surprised when three months after I got engaged, she announced her own engagement at the appointment when I was trying on my final two choices for a wedding dress with my grandmother and bridal party there. Her fiance then confided in me that he felt like she was really pushing things fast and that he wanted to wait until they both finished school and found jobs before they got married, but that she had purchased the engagement ring and planned a trip for him to propose to her on. I was naturally concerned and I’ll be honest, I did talk to my mom about my concerns (which I know was a mistake and I shouldn’t have done it), but I was also finishing a stressful fellowship and trying to plan my own wedding, so when I found out that she was mad at me for “not being more excited for her”, I felt betrayed. Both she and her fiance live with my parents, and my mom has always been the type to “prefer” the child who spends the most time with her, which is why as children everyone went everywhere with her and did everything with her.
The next thing that I knew, she had my mom convinced that I was being selfish and rude because I didn’t want her to get married at the same time as me. My mom then completely cut herself out of my wedding planning. She started getting really passive aggressive with me and would go on and on to my other family members about how she didn’t know anything about my wedding or wedding plans, even though I desperately wanted her to be part of my wedding planning and happiness and consulted her on all of our decisions. This break in our relationship caused me many tearful nights and we really didn’t see each other or speak much until about a month before my wedding, and even then things were strained. Being a “family and school first” kind of person, I really don’t have any friends and my bridal party was family only, so the alientation really made me alone in all wedding planning activities. I cried to my dad on many occassions about how terrible the wedding planning process was when my mom seemed to be intent on talking poorly about me and refusing to be a part of this happy season in my life. In the end my dad kept telling me that I should just try to make my own happiness and to try to cut the rest of the family out of my life for a while. Not exactly what you picture about planning your wedding when you are little.
With my mom not involved, my mother-in-law became very outspoken about what she wanted for our wedding. My husband is a complete momma’s boy and, in the end, her fit throwing won. We got married by a minister who I did not want to have marry us. I begged to have the ceremony anywhere but where she insisted that we have it, but lost that argument. I hated our reception location but didn’t have much of a choice because it was run by a friend of a friend of the family (who was actually my husband’s ex-girlfriends family), so to refuse would put his family in an awkward position. In the end, our wedding became his family’s wedding and, in spite of me voicing my opinion, I went along with things because his family repeatedly made it clear that at least they were involved in the wedding planning where as my family was absent. Nothing “bad” happened at the wedding, but the whole time I had this thought in the back of my mind that “this is nothing like what I had wanted” for my wedding. It’s true that the day goes by so fast, and in the end, it isn’t the “happiness” that I remember, but the sadness of the day.
After the wedding:
So, we have been married for a few months. I keep trying to remind myself that I married my best friend and that it is our marriage that matters, not the wedding. I was looking forward to getting our professional pictures back hoping that if I saw all of the smiling faces in the photographs, maybe I would have a different persepective on the day. Unfortunately, I hated our professional pictures. Somehow, I have at least 3 chins in all of the pictures because the photographer kept shooting up at us because she complained that our height difference was too great. Somehow she completely missed our requests to photograph our grandma’s immediate family, etc, and instead captured a lot of photos of wait staff and distant relatives who we had to invite out of obligation, but who nobody recognizes in the photos. My husband, who is over the moon about the wedding (that he and his mom planned), keeps wanting to hang photos in our house, but I can’t even THINK about our wedding day without feeling sad and angry at many people, but mostly at myself.
I’ve felt increasingly alienated from my family recently. I kept thinking that as soon as the wedding was over things would go back to normal, but to be honest, I still harbor some hurt feelings toward my mom and sister. It doesn’t help that I’ve never felt further away from my husband. He is older than I am and, since we got married and I moved in, he has been pulling away from me. Sorry to make this post rated PG-13, but especially at bedtime he picks fights or sits on his phone going through facebook until he falls asleep. We don’t talk or laugh like we used to, and I started getting upset with him. Come to find out, he has been having erectile dysfunction symptoms for a year, but he didn’t want to face it or talk about it to me. Basically, our sex life is almost non-existant. We have sex maybe once every two weeks, but when he can get his mojo going, its a race to start and finish before he loses it. He is working with his doctor, but because of some other health concerns, most traditional treatments are dangerous for him. The lack of intimacy has really influenced his self confidence, so he continues to withdraw from me to have excuses to not have to try to have sex. He refuses to seek counseling with me at this time.
My sister’s wedding is coming up fast. Every time that I see my mom she is over the moon going on and on about everything that my sister has planned. Actually, my husband and I took my family on a little weekend get away to try to get things back to normal, and while I was getting ready my mom was telling him about everything that she had planned for my sister’s wedding. Apparently, many of the things that I really wanted at my wedding, but that my mom scoffed at and said was “stupid”, she is now planning for my sister’s wedding. To top it all off, I’m the “matron of honor” (although I’ve been kicked out of the wedding party twice now), and so I’m in charge of “party games and activities” for the wedding and planning the bachelorette party. My mom has taken it upon herself to tell my sister all of the ideas that I had for the party and found out that my sister doesn’t like any of them. So, of course, now my mom knows what she wants and wants me to make it happen. I just can’t even be around them without wanting to burst into tears. The two of them contributed to making my wedding one of the worse experiences of my life. Now I’m supposed to bottle that all up and go yippy skippy to make this, in the words of my mother, “the time of [my] sister’s life.” I know that I’m being awful and vindictive, but my wounds feel so fresh still. I am doing everything I can to pull on a happy face when I see them, but I’m dying on the inside.
I’m struggling, bees. I feel like a terrible person for it. I want to be happy for them, but I can’t even THINK about my wedding without bursting into tears. I’ve talked to my husband about most of this and he has asked me to not tell him about it because it hurts his feelings because it was “the happiest day of [his] life.” I’ll be honest. I’m angry, and resentful and jealous. I feel like I want to move on but I’m stuck. On top of all of that, the complete lack of intimacy in my marriage because of the ED and some underlying fears about the future of family planning is really sucking the joy out of being a newly wed. What do I do, now?
Please, please help me.