(Closed) Post-Wedding Blues: Resentfulness, Jealousy & Erectile Dysfunction

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2872 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Honestly, I’d bail out of your sisters wedding. People may not agree with me, but why go through something that isn’t making you happy? You have A LOT going on in your life. I think there is nothing wrong with pushing them all on the back burner and focusing on yourself for a while.

Post # 3
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

This makes me so sad and what’s even worse is that your husband is snubbing you as well.  I know this gets said for just about everything here but I really think you need to speak with someone privately and openly about how you feel. Someone that will not judge you and will help you put things in a better perspective. 

Post # 4
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

First, big hugs.  This was a big, brave post on a lot of big issues.  Hopefully, you at least feel better for getting it off your chest.

You need to go to a therapist, and I am saying that as someone who went to a therapist for a year or so.  I went for different issues than you, but equally complicated and personal.  A good therapist can help you unpack what is going on.  For example, mine helped me figure out that I am a very maternal person – that I try and fix all problems, no matter the cost to myself.  It seems obvious now but that was something that I need a outside party to help understand and also how to cope.

You also need to remember to love yourself.  A lot of your post is about others, how their feelings impact you.  Do you have an outlet, either exercise, work, a hobby, that allows you to be you?  What you are describing sounds incredibly stressful and you need to focus on you. 

 

Post # 5
Member
1581 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

anybee123:  Honestly, I think you should take your dad’s advise and cut off family ties for a while. Stories are always two sided and I just can’t see the other side of this one. So I think for now, it’s best if you just walk away from a lot of this. Maybe write your mom a letter expressing all of your concerns as you have here and then at the end tell her that you think it’s best if you not participate in all your sister’s wedding stuff. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I would consider going to counseling as well to help unearth some of the jealousy and resentment.

Post # 6
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I am so sorry you have gone through and are still going through so much! Sorry to say this but your mom, sister, husband, mother in law – everyone seems really selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings. I agree with others – you should really talk to a professional to learn how to deal with these people and how to put yourself first. I am so sorry your wedding wasn’t what you wanted. That really blows. I would probably have a lot of resentment towards everyone involved too. What about the people in your life that were supportive of you? Can you try being around those people more? And that really blows about your husband’s ED. ugh, you just can’t get a break! I know it seems like there’s so much going on, but you really need to focus on you. Eat right, exercise, do things that make you happy – just like others have said, and figure out how to deal with the others by talking to a professional. Good luck.

Post # 7
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

That was really sad to read and I feel so sorry for you bee. It sounds like everything you wanted was torn away and now your mum and sister are torturing you with their “perfect” wedding day. I’d take a step back from them as they aren’t helping you at all. And I agree with above go and speak to a therapist to try and sort your head out a little. You have a lot you need to talk about and no one to do it with at the moment (DH is very mean saying he doesn’t want you to talk to him because it upsets him!) you need someone to speak to and it isn’t anyone you know at the moment.

Post # 8
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

It is hard coming to terms with the realization of having a toxic family. I agree that you shouldn’t be in your sisters wedding as the Maid/Matron of Honor. It appears as as though you are very hurt and still have to deal with those feelings. The jealousy and pain will make it difficult to try and be happy for your sister. Frankly it seems like your sister is a cruel and manipulative person that has your mom wrapped around her finger. They were absent for your planning and now they expect you to pretend like nothing happened. It would be a good idea to go see a therapist. You may also want to consider going to marriage counseling to discuss why your husband purposely kept the ED from you. Also how a marriage is not between you, your husband, and his mom. If she is already meddling it will just get worse especially if you plan on having children.

Please seek out a marriage and family therapist. I hope that they can help you work through all of this. *hugs*

 

Post # 9
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I would no question back out of that wedding party.   They are using it as a tool to hurt you.  Whether it’s deliberate  (which I think it is) or subconscious is irrelevant.   When your own father advises you to cut your family out of your life for a while you know something is up.  It’s not you imagining things.  Their behavior is dysfunctional and spiteful.  My stepmother played a lot of head games.   It took me a long time to see her for who and what she really was. She started off like your sister who grew up doing selfish cruel things to her brother.   Her own father warned my dad about her saying he had kids to think of and shouldn’t marry her.  Well, vulnerability brings out the sadist in sadistic people. She went from being callous and caddy, with moments of pretending to be doting and caring to make herself look good–and to confuse me–to being all-out evil once I was living in my dad’s house instead of my mom’s.   She cut off my access to food.  I ate once a day when my dad was home.  She deliberately ruined my clothes until I had almost nothing to wear to school.  She even started to be honest to my face that she would stop at nothing until she was rid of me and I deserved to live on the streets.   Then she would turn on the tears like a stage actress when my dad got home and tell him that I was terrible to her and he needed to get rid of me.  Thiis sounds unrelated but I don’t think it is. The more vulnerable and sad your sister sees you being the worse she’ll get.  She’s sadistic and enjoys hurting you.    Moments of pretending to be nice and also painting herself as a victim is all part of the psychological spin she puts around herself to hide what she really is.  I think you should get away from her ASAP.

As for your husband. ..that is complicated.  There is a vegan diet out there that’s reported to reverse ED and arteriosclerosis. Many people have had success.  Some kind of dramatic change in how he manages his health is in order. 

Post # 11
Member
910 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

anybee123:  I  am sorry to hear about your situation. I am familar with the sense of disappoint and sadness when it comes to a wedding.  My wedding was not a good day most in part because of my mother.  I have a hard time looking back and seeing the day As a beautiful moment.  

i suggest speaking with a mental health professional about this. I would also certainly not tell your mother sister or husband that you are going to attend therapy.  You need to be able to find someone to speak with that will be able to give you an objective view.  

As for your sisters wedding I can totally understand not going. However, I think not going will make things worse. They will make you the reason for anything that goes wrong if you don’t go.  And given the way you described them I don’t see you not going ending well. 

Post # 12
Member
1869 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I am really sorry to hear about all of this bee 🙁

Here is what I would do:

Family: I would cut them off for now and I would definitely drop out of the bridal party. How nasty your mother and sister are being defies belief. I don’t think you should risk your own mental health for either of them. 

Husband: you said he is your best friend, that is still there but through your sadness you probably can’t see it. I would be super honest and open with him and perhaps make a plan to say something nice to each other each day, smile more at each other etc.

As for the ED, if he is now being proactive about it with his doctor that is great and I agree with PP about suggesting a vegan diet, just getting on top of it in general so you don’t feel so resentful about it. 

Wedding: you didn’t get the wedding you want and you hate your photographs and that sucks. Would you maybe consider a little vow renewal in a lovely place of your choice with just your husband and yourself or maybe a few friends who know what you are feeling about it all?

You can get a photographer so you have some lovely pictures to hang, go out for a nice dinner etc and maybe that will replace some of your feelings about your wedding? A nice ‘wedding’ of your choice to look back on might wipe out the original one that you hated? 

I truly hope you feel better soon bee xx

Post # 13
Member
2005 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Bee this totally sucks and I’m sorry! Is your sisters name by chance Yolanda? LOL

Post # 14
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

oh gosh I am so sorry. I agree with pp about cutting ties – at least for now. I would back out of the wedding or you may have a miserable time attending.

 

But at the same time, did you and your sister ever have a good relationship? I feel like in a few years you may regret not being there for her or in pictures, etc. 

Post # 15
Member
6635 posts
Bee Keeper

Hugs, Bee. Another recommendation for seeking out a therapist. It’s amazing what a difference it makes to just say things out loud to another person whose only role is to help you work through things. 

I don’t know how you can be Maid/Matron of Honor in this wedding. Step down. It’s not worth it. Be a guest if you like.

There are things you can do with your Darling Husband if he won’t seek counseling with you. Talk to him about the value of intimacy and skin contact–there is a lot to be said for naked cuddling–and that you just want to feel close to and connect with him. Basically, remove any pressure to perform–take intercourse off the table while he deals with the medical issues. It may even inspire him to take things further, but if it doesn’t at least you can reestablish some closeness and begin to address this issue together. 

 

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