(Closed) Post-Wedding Blues: Resentfulness, Jealousy & Erectile Dysfunction

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Loveless Barn

So, I’m going to be honest with you. I got a strange feeling reading this. Perhaps because I’ve worked in the mental health field for 10 years, I tend to explore a little further when I hear a complete ‘I did everything right and always put my family first and don’t even have any friends because of how attentive I am to their needs’ kind of post. I say this for a couple of reasons. One being that people to treat us how we allow them to treat us. Also, I don’t doubt that the people in your life can be hurtful toward you but I can’t help but wonder if this is such an ongoing pattern, it can’t hurt to explore your role in your interactions. Not to make you feel bad but to grow as a person. 

Post # 17
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

anybee123:  I’m sorry bee, this sounds so tough!  Hugs to you.  Here are some ideas:

The intimacy concerns:

This seems like the biggest issue moving forward IMO.  As you said, it sounds like your Darling Husband didn’t tell you about this and has been avoiding intimacy because he’s feeling deeply ashamed of his health problem.  I’m really sorry to hear that as shame is a harmful feeling that doesn’t serve any useful purpose!  But we’ve all been there.

Your Darling Husband is already getting medical attention, so that’s great.  I’m sure you’ve already given him lots of re-assurance and I’m sure you already know that his medical problem has nothing to do with his attraction for you or anything, since it sounds like you are a doctor yourself.  So that’s great.

The thing that I’d encourage you to do is to talk to your Darling Husband about expanding your definition of what “sex” includes.  Heterosexual couples can become extremely lazer focused on the idea that only penis-in-vagina sex is “real” sex, or that all intimacy must culminate in p-in-v action.  That’s not true!  Take a hint from same sex couples or maybe even from your younger days before p-in-v was on your menu.  Not all sex must end in orgasms for both parties, for one thing.  If you guys want to have sex but staying hard all the way to orgasm isn’t going to happen for him, that’s ok, there are so many other things that you can each do for each other and you don’t always have to both get your O each session.  Think creatively and make things like oral, manual, or even toys a more regular part of your sex life to take the pressure off your Darling Husband to “perform.”

I’d also talk to him about expanding your definition of intimacy.  Couples who don’t have sex all the time can still be very physially intimate by engaging in fun activiies like making out, cuddling, massaging, etc.  All of that can be done with no expectation of it progressing further.  Heck, it’s some women’s dream to have a Darling Husband who wants to engage in those activities with out always wanting to bang!  Put a positive spin on it for your husband so that you guys can work on your connection while he works on his health issue.  

I’ll share a little of my own story here.  After marriage and moving in together, I was feeling a bit disapointed that my Darling Husband and I weren’t having sex more often (we were having it about 1x per week).  It wasn’t even that I wanted it more…I just kind of wanted him to want it more and felt like there was something wrong with us for not having more sex.  I brought it up with my Darling Husband and he told me that while he wouldn’t be opposed to having sex more often, he felt like we were being really intimate since we snuggle, kiss, and touch every day.  Per usual, he was right.

The family problems:

Your family sounds like they are being a bunch of jerks.  I would give some thought to the emotional boundaries you have with them and if you think that they are truly happy.  For a successful, independent woman, I think you are letting their actions effect your happiness too much.  I would consider thinking about how you can let go of the need for approval you have from your family, since they seem hell bent on withholding it.  Screw them!  What right do they have to make you feel that way?  It sounds like you’ve been an exemplary person.  They should feel lucky to have you in their lives.  If they can’t be that way, it’s not your fault and it’s not your problem to fix.

The resentment:

Resentment is hard.  I’d say, just try to let it go and know that time heals these wounds.  Your Darling Husband told you that your wedding day was the happiest day of his life.  That is so sweet and romantic.  Focus on that.  So you didn’t get the wedding of your dreams.  Who cares?  There are worse things in life…it’s just a party.  Think of the wedding you had as your gift to your Darling Husband as it sounds like it was the wedding of his dreams.  

 

Post # 18
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

I’m sorry, bee. It sounds like youre in a difficult situation in what should be a good time of your life (newly married).

I’ve recently had similar issues to you in relation to my younger sister and mother. Unfortunately weddings can really strain family relationships. My fiancé and I took a few months to make our engagement official as we were waiting for my ring to be made. I’d told my sister we were planning to get engaged, and the next thing I knew, before we had a chance to formalise our engagement, she was suddenly and ‘coincidentally’ engaged which came as a complete shock to everyone who knew her and her partner.

I was so excited about getting engaged, and having my sister’s announcement overshadow mine was such a disappointment. I made the mistake of venting to my mom, and the next thing I knew my relationship with her was damaged too as she immediately took my sister’s side and acted as if I was being horrible. 

I am slowly working things out with them, but this is my advice from my own experience. You can’t go back on what has happened already, but it may help to fully explain to your family why you were hurt/upset. Family is important, and it’s never too late to rebuild relationships, but it’s something that can take a while and you have to continually work at it. However, you don’t need to have anyone in your life who makes you feel bad, and you don’t have to do anything that makes you upset or uncomfortable. If you don’t want to be in your sister’s wedding, don’t do it.  I wish you luck.

Post # 19
Member
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I’m with your dad. Your mum sounds like an emotional bully and I think you need time away from her and your sister. That will allow to deal with the issues within your marriage. 

so sorry bee xx

Post # 20
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee

You’re not a terrible person OP.

You are a hurt person, and you’ve been deeply hurt by the people who are supposed to lift you up and make you feel good. It’s okay to acknowledge that you’ve been hurt, and quite frankly, your sister and your mother sound like manipulative assholes. Somebody in that house gets off hurting you.

You can’t control what your mom or your sister choose to do, but you can limit the opportunities they have to inflict their sadism on you.

 

Drop out of her bridal party. Why would you throw or host a party for somebody who actively goes out of their way to make you feel BAD? Just because you’re related? She doesn’t get a free pass to piss all over you just because you share some DNA. If you drop out, she won’t change, but dropping out is for you, not her. Don’t let her stomp all over you for another moment. By staying quiet to attempt to keep the peace, you are only re-inforcing your own feelings of powerlessness.  You do have power.  You have the power to leave, you have the power to communicate with assholes on your terms from a position of strength.

 

Regarding your husband and ED, that’s tough. We had a six year dry spell for similiar reasons. Try to remember that intimacy and sex doesn’t mean just penetration. Stress can be part of an ED problem, and it can help to remove stress by just focusing on doing things the other person enjoys, even if it’s just petting and kissing. Don’t focus on getting to the finish line. Instead remember how nice it is to get into the groove with somebody you’re hot for. It’s okay to play around for a bit and then dial it down until next time.  This might take awhile, but some is better than none, and you may find he is more eager, and able, once the pressure to perform is gone.

Post # 21
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

anybee123:  Awww, you are not a mean person and yes I can understand you feeling hurt and cheated about your wedding day. I would feel angry and hurt! It certainly sounds difficult what you and Darling Husband are going through with his ED as well. What an unexpectedly lonely time. I would be pretty shocked to be feeling this alone.

Do you feel that counseling and some new opportunities for a social life and hobbies might help you to heal from these losses of your wedding dream and family harmony? What about marital counseling? The Darling Husband distancing himself and your in-laws lack of sensitivity may be able to be worked out so that you two can enjoy closeness at night both sexy and affectionate and Darling Husband can learn to defend you with his mother. We all make mistakes and you two might get past this if he is willing to hear you and if you try the marital counseling.

You sound like a wonderful person i would like to know who is creative, smart, kind and hard working in your professional life. I hope you take some baby steps each day with hope for things getting better soon. With or without family and even Darling Husband, you have a great life ahead of you.

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