anybee123: I’m sorry bee, this sounds so tough! Hugs to you. Here are some ideas:
The intimacy concerns:
This seems like the biggest issue moving forward IMO. As you said, it sounds like your Darling Husband didn’t tell you about this and has been avoiding intimacy because he’s feeling deeply ashamed of his health problem. I’m really sorry to hear that as shame is a harmful feeling that doesn’t serve any useful purpose! But we’ve all been there.
Your Darling Husband is already getting medical attention, so that’s great. I’m sure you’ve already given him lots of re-assurance and I’m sure you already know that his medical problem has nothing to do with his attraction for you or anything, since it sounds like you are a doctor yourself. So that’s great.
The thing that I’d encourage you to do is to talk to your Darling Husband about expanding your definition of what “sex” includes. Heterosexual couples can become extremely lazer focused on the idea that only penis-in-vagina sex is “real” sex, or that all intimacy must culminate in p-in-v action. That’s not true! Take a hint from same sex couples or maybe even from your younger days before p-in-v was on your menu. Not all sex must end in orgasms for both parties, for one thing. If you guys want to have sex but staying hard all the way to orgasm isn’t going to happen for him, that’s ok, there are so many other things that you can each do for each other and you don’t always have to both get your O each session. Think creatively and make things like oral, manual, or even toys a more regular part of your sex life to take the pressure off your Darling Husband to “perform.”
I’d also talk to him about expanding your definition of intimacy. Couples who don’t have sex all the time can still be very physially intimate by engaging in fun activiies like making out, cuddling, massaging, etc. All of that can be done with no expectation of it progressing further. Heck, it’s some women’s dream to have a Darling Husband who wants to engage in those activities with out always wanting to bang! Put a positive spin on it for your husband so that you guys can work on your connection while he works on his health issue.
I’ll share a little of my own story here. After marriage and moving in together, I was feeling a bit disapointed that my Darling Husband and I weren’t having sex more often (we were having it about 1x per week). It wasn’t even that I wanted it more…I just kind of wanted him to want it more and felt like there was something wrong with us for not having more sex. I brought it up with my Darling Husband and he told me that while he wouldn’t be opposed to having sex more often, he felt like we were being really intimate since we snuggle, kiss, and touch every day. Per usual, he was right.
The family problems:
Your family sounds like they are being a bunch of jerks. I would give some thought to the emotional boundaries you have with them and if you think that they are truly happy. For a successful, independent woman, I think you are letting their actions effect your happiness too much. I would consider thinking about how you can let go of the need for approval you have from your family, since they seem hell bent on withholding it. Screw them! What right do they have to make you feel that way? It sounds like you’ve been an exemplary person. They should feel lucky to have you in their lives. If they can’t be that way, it’s not your fault and it’s not your problem to fix.
Resentment is hard. I’d say, just try to let it go and know that time heals these wounds. Your Darling Husband told you that your wedding day was the happiest day of his life. That is so sweet and romantic. Focus on that. So you didn’t get the wedding of your dreams. Who cares? There are worse things in life…it’s just a party. Think of the wedding you had as your gift to your Darling Husband as it sounds like it was the wedding of his dreams.