Post wedding blues really bad

posted 3 weeks ago in Wedding Related
Post # 2
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

Have you sought professional help? Two months is a long time to feel sad “all the time” about an event in the past that cannot be changed. I hope you can get the help you need to move past this. 

Post # 3
Member
5791 posts
Bee Keeper

I remember your story. Warning: some tough love coming. You’ve already had enough people on your last thread commiserate and give you the it’s ok speech. But now have work to do on yourself.

You’re going to get nowhere fast until you forgive yourself for drinking too much. You learned a lesson, this is how life works, this is how we are taught – by experience.

You’ve bought into the fiction that a wedding is the best day of your life and ought to be perfect. You’re messing up your life right now with this misguided notion. Focusing on what you did wrong, to the exclusion of other issues is self-absorbtion.

Since you can’t seem to break this cycle on your own I suggest therapy stat. Otherwise in the future you’re likely to be moaning about how you messed up your newlywed time/life.

Peace.

Post # 5
Member
10485 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
@sb1993:  

Well l feel sympathetic, but also a little impatient with you over this l have to confess dear OP. You seem kind of determined  to feel negatively, despite reiterated assurances from concerned and trustworthy people irl and from this board. You seem to be also almost planning to feel guilt etc over spoiling the first months of your marriage. 

I’m glad you are getting some help, because if this constant ruminating and dwelling on yourself and life’s very minor issues becomes a habit you ARE going to be spoiling things, and you will become a very unhappy person. Not to mention the effect on your poor husband. Everyone will get tired of it in the end , you know that. 

Do try some old fashioned ‘pulling yourself together’  stuff as well as therapy . Everytime you start thinking about the drinking on the day, replace that thought with something else – anything else so long as it is positive or neutral. Do this every single time . I know what it is to have negative obsessive thoughts and visions, and this does work. But it takes some effort, and you have to make that effort, instead of giving in to self obsession and focussing on the ‘bad’ stuff. 

Post # 6
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee

Let me start with the blunt truth: you can’t go back in time.  You can’t take back what happened.  There are consequences to having drunk so much that you remember less than you would if you were sober.  If you cannot get past this on your own, I agree that therapy is in order.  This is not a healthy mindset to have.

I will tell you, however, that this does tend to get better with time.  The more time that passes, the fewer details of the day you would have remembered anyway, so your lost memory will stand out less.  But I am talking about over a significant amount of time (years to more than a decade), so this isn’t something you can just wait out, you need to stop fixating on it.  Concentrate on the future rather than the past.  You cannot go back and change the past.  What if you weren’t able to have your wedding at all, other than a quick courthouse ceremony, due to the pandemic?  You would mourn a dream of yours destroyed, but you would move on.  Look at your future goals.  Do you want to travel the world?  Do you want to have children?  Also consider something else in your life that you wanted to experience or remember but couldn’t, and ask yourself how you successfully moved on from that.

Post # 7
Member
798 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2021

Honestly, I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about. You drank too much on your wedding day. Ok, so what? It happens sometimes. You didn’t hurt anyone. You didn’t embarrass yourself or your husband. You remember some moments from your day more clearly than others. It’s okay. It’s over now and you’re married to your wonderful husband. There’s no need to get over your guilt because you didn’t do anything wrong.

I’m glad you’re seeing someone to help you work past this. You seem to be carrying a lot of shame, like you believe you’re always doing something wrong. You believe you ruined your own wedding and now you believe you’re ruining your newlywed time. Why don’t you give yourself permission to be a flawed human? You’re not ruining anything. It’s okay to be imperfect. 

Post # 8
Member
5791 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
@sb1993:  So glad to hear you’re seeing a therapist. That’s the first step and it’s a big one. 

You need to acknowledge that you’re human, and fallible. You’re allowed to make a mistake. Forgiving yourself is so important, and in this incident no one was hurt, you just celebrated a little too hard. Regret is understandable, but guilt is a bit extreme. You must try to get a handle on that. Keep on working with your therapist and realize that everyone has regrets, and it’s something we all have to live with. Take care.

Post # 9
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

Completely agree with everyone.  Bee, you just need to focus on the future instead of the past, and do everything you can to work with your therapist.

Life is short – the sooner you make up your mind to put this issue to rest, the better off you will be.

Hugs!

Post # 10
Member
2002 posts
Buzzing bee

How to deal with it?

1) Accept that you can’t alter the past.  Every time you get a negative thought popping up about your wedding, deliberately replace it with a positive thought.  Tell yourself that you are NOT going to listen to that negative voice any more.

2) Accept that you CAN alter the present – you don’t have to keep living like this.  Today is the first day of the rest of your life – so start as you mean to go on.  Don’t waste time thinking about how you’ve already spoiled x number of days of married life – that’s only going to make you feel even worse, and spoil today as well.  If you get a negative thought, remind yourself that this is not how you are living now, let go of it and move on.

And keep up with that therapy – sounds like it is helpful for you 

Post # 11
Member
254 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

To add to all the great advice you already received in this thread alone, I think you are also putting way too much emphasis on your wedding day and now this fairy tale “newlywed” stage you are in. It sounds like you have an idea of how everything should be and if its not that way it is a huge issue. This is very unhealthy because life usually does not play out the way we imagine it and YOU are the one that is destroying your wedding day and your “newlywed” stage by harping on things that are so insignificant. 

I am glad you are in therapy and I hope you get the help you need. 

Post # 12
Member
8 posts
Newbee

View original reply
@sb1993:  Grateful Journal. Think of all the good things that your husband and family enjoyed and what you did remember. Do a scrapbook and focus on how you can make your husband happy and yourself of course and future brides. Help someone else with their wedding. Be grateful, there are many widows, children without parents after the pandemic. Thank God you were able to get married. Go volunteer somewhere and the energy off the past and focus on the future. A Wedding is just for a day, you have a marriage to build , so get a good book, and maybe answer some questions on here to help other future brides. The issue is not your wedding day, its a far unresolved inner issue. Don’t steal your own happiness, invest in your destiny.

Post # 13
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

View original reply
@sb1993:  It’s good you are seeing a therapist! Have you done a screening test for depression? They have them online. Depression can cause people to feel guilty even when there is nothing they need to be guilty about. If you are low in energy and having changed in appetite and sleep you might want to look into that. 

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